Hope in the Long-Stretches

                                       

Back to the doctor I went this week.  Before I went, I had some friends praying for me...I was afraid of what I was going to hear, and although in my heart I know that He will sustain me, my brain wasn't resting in that. I have stayed relatively numb since my last visit to the shot doc.  I've had some down days but mostly just been floating along unfeeling.  So, Wednesday I rushed out of school to get to my appointment with the main doc, Dr. K (the dentist).  The assistant took me through some of my initial testings and measurements and was super chatty, which didn't allow me to think too much.  Her opinion was that things looked great as far as my jaw was concerned.  I have maintained where I am supposed to be and have not regressed at all since getting rid of the day mouth appliance.  That was good news!

So, after a bit of a wait, Dr. K came in to meet with me.  He was very pleased with my jaw progress, but concerned with my increase of pain in my neck area and that I have seemingly gone backwards in my improvement levels there.  After he ran me through all of the physical testing, he sat me down to talk to me a bit.  He hasn't given up hope yet, which is a good thing as I wasn't excited about hearing a "This is the end of the road for you" speech.  Basically we talked about how physically they have repaired as much as they can as far as the jaw, nose, cranial-facial areas for me.  Typically this takes care of the problem. Since it hasn't, his thoughts are that my deviated septum had been around long enough to cause my jaw to form incorrectly.  We can't fix that (short of breaking my jaws and starting all over with the healing formation).  Recently he has talked to some other doctors about what to do in cases like mine where the nasal surgery and jaw work hasn't fixed the problem. They have found some success with nasal spray.  (Bare with me here).  He says that even though the nose is "fixed", the flow of air still isn't able to flow normally because of the way my jaw has formed.  The idea with the spray is that when used often (5-6 times a day), it opens up the nasal cavities and helps me to breathe properly.  In turn, my posture changes because of the different air flow, which in turn helps pain levels throughout my body.  I'm not entirely sure I am on board with this treatment.  Although it makes sense on some levels to me with all that I have learned about the anatomy of my body and how things are connected...I think it's a long-stretch.  However,  that's where I'm at.  I'll do the nasal spray for 3 months, 5-6 times a day, stick to the gluten free, sugar free, dairy free diet, drink 64-72 ounces of water a day and pray for healing in the long-stretch.
So...I, being a planner, ask him what's next if this doesn't help.  He smiled and teasingly called me a pessimist and then admitted he knew me well after a year and knows that I am a planner and need to know what's next in the scheme to prepare myself emotionally. If this doesn't work or help, the next step is to get the shot doc, Dr. K and myself an appointment to meet all together so that we can talk, brainstorm and see if we are leaving anything un-turned.  Which essentially, is the end of the road for this portion of my journey and puts me back at ground zero, as I like to call it.  A place without a medical plan or idea of what to do for me.  Ground zero is a scary place for me and a place I dread...but I've been there many times.  Right now I'm not going to focus on that...gonna try hard to focus on the hope in my long-stretch and try not to put the cart in front of the horse so to speak.
As I drove home, I was thankful to not be a crying, sobbing mess.  There is a glimmer of hope...hope in the long-stretches.  After 11 1/2 years, that's what is left. Long-stretches.  The awesome thing that I know is that God is hope...and He is MY hope...the the long-stretches and in the ground zero. When my body fails and my healing fails...God never does.  So I'm focusing on the hope in the long-stretches and the God who is all powerful through all circumstances. 

not a lot to update

Many have asked for an update on my neck...so I thought I'd take a minute to "update"...although there isn't a lot to say. I have continued to have the pain.  Since my last post, I have had more rough days than good days.  I cherish those good days and probably go overboard on those days.  Numbness comes and goes with my emotions. I've had some low moments where I have been overwhelmed and in tears.  I've had moments that I feel not much at all and I've had moments where I have hope and peace. I haven't been back to any of the doctors.  On the 28th of this month I will head back to the main doc, Dr. K. He may have some added insight as far as my neck goes, or not.  I don't know.  Right now I am taking it one day at a time, trying to have little to no expectations.  So, not really an update at all...but it's where I'm at.

Simply Numb

I'm not sure what to say or how to begin this post.  I usually just start typing and the words flow.  Not so much this time.  I went back to the shot doctor tonight, Dr. C.  And that's where my brain just sort of stops.  To give me an idea of where I could start, I re-read my blog from the last appointment...below is an excerpt from it...

"Dr. C told me if these shots do not help me, he is stumped again.  Translation...he won't know what to do with me again and this journey basically has halted again.  I'm nervous.  I'm scared that it won't work.  I'm scared of having to start over.  I'm scared of just giving up again.  I'm scared of this pain that has been here for 11 years tomorrow (Nov 9).  I'm scared of hoping to be disappointed again. "

Back to today...the pain levels have not lowered since my last round of shots.  He felt that this would do the trick and it has not.  I'm still in pain. EVERY day. The shots have NOT worked.  He is stumped with me and the journey has halted. He says that there isn't anything else that he knows to do. He told me he was sorry, and I just sat there nodding. He even asked me if I was understanding what he was saying because I was calm and not crying.  I understand. But I'm numb. I'm simply numb.  He did tell me that when I go back to Dr. K at the end of January we can see if he finds something additional to look at, but that looks fairly unlikely at this point.   All of this hope, all of this last 8 months are swirling around me and I feel numb. How can this be?  THIS was supposed to be the answer.  My jaw is fixed, my foot and lower back are fixed.  Why can't my neck be fixed? 11 years...So, I sit here tonight wondering what is next? Is this journey over?  Do I just accept this life of pain?  If so, HOW do I accept it? Where do I go from here...physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually...???  And when the numbness wears off...how will I react to this?  And then I read another portion of my last post when I had just gotten the last set of shots...

"And even though I'm scared of all of those things, I KNOW without a doubt that God will sustain me.  He has for 11 years, so why on earth would He leave me now???  He won't.  He holds me, sustains me and gives me daily strength...so I'm trying not to focus on the scary stuff...but just to breathe in and out and trust that God's plan is bigger than any that I have for myself."

So, I don't know what's next.  I don't even know how I will feel in the morning.  I sit here tonight with my gluten free, sugar free, dairy free "Frosty" and put Hershey's syrup on it to cheat a little and comfort myself...wondering when my world will stop spinning and when I will lose this numbness...I do know that God will sustain me and give me daily strength. He has proven Himself over and over and so I know He won't leave me now. But right now, a single tear rolls down my cheek, and I wait on Him to help me breathe in and out and show me His plan in this...a plan to use all of this for His glory...

Long Overdue #2

Part #2 is not nearly as "fun" to report for me.  After the news of the previous week of weaning off of the day appliance and how improved things were for me structurally...I was off to Dr. C, "the shot doc".  We have such a love/hate relationship...I love his care for me as a patient...I hate his actual treatments :)  So, after a delay because of strep throat, I headed off to Dr. C.  This time I had my mom and Kiara take me there, as it was pretty rough the last time.  I knew I was getting shots in my foot, per Dr. K, but I wasn't sure about the shots for my back/butt area.  After evaluating/talking to me, he started in with the shots on my foot.  He felt that this relapse injury wasn't a big deal and probably had more to do with me standing and teaching versus being on summer break.  He said one round of shots should take care of it.  He then moved on to test my lower back/butt area. Unfortunately it was still very flared up and he decided to be extremely aggressive (his words) in attacking these spots.  For those who don't remember...these shots are called "prolotherapy" and the simplest explanation is that it shoots inflammation into specific areas, with the idea that the white blood cells will attack and heal in those areas.  So, basically I am purposely inflaming already injured areas.  Now, I've gotten quite a few shots from this doctor in a variety of places on my body (foot, neck, upper back, head and now lower back and butt).  I've cringed, held my breath, and gripped the arm rests before, but this was a new experience. I did all of those things, along with a slight wimper, spasms and actual tears.  He talked to me the whole time and kept asking if I was doing okay and if he needed to stop. I was slightly embarrassed that I actually cried during this until he told me that he was extremely aggressive and he knew that I was probably going to do that.  He was VERY glad that I had my mom drive me and it only took about 10 minutes after leaving the office before I was BEYOND glad that she had driven me.   By the time we got home, I couldn't stand up straight and it hurt to move my body at all. I was in tears and a mess emotionally.  I grabbed a bite to eat and went to prop myself up in bed to do my Bible study homework and devotions.  To put it mildly I was a mess.  I was in tears and honestly couldn't pray.  I just said, "Jesus, Help".
As I opened my Bible Study, I found that we were discussing suffering in our lives being used for good and the scripture jumped off the page at me, as tears rolled down my face.  I still was crying out, "Jesus, HELP"!  I had to answer the question of how God worked in the life of Joseph in the midst of his suffering.  I was FORCED to look and acknowledge what was good in Joseph's (and obviously mine) in the midst of his suffering and enslavement of his life (the story of Joseph's life is in Genesis).  I half-smiled through the tears and pain and whispered,  "Thank you for the reminder, Lord".  As I was reading, a friend text me to tell me she was praying for me, as she knew that I had shots and she was standing in the gap for me..."Thank you Lord".  As I picked up my devotional to dive into that, my phone went off indicating I had a new message on Facebook.  As I clicked on it to read it, my mouth dropped open, a sob escaped and again, "Thank you Jesus!".  A brother in Christ from church, sent a message asking if everything was okay because he had a strong urge all day to lift me in prayer.  He had NO idea that I was getting shots. As I wrote him back I told him that God was simply amazing and explained it all.  Funny thing is that I felt a peace wash over me...I still felt awful physically...the level of pain was extremely intense and I didn't know how I was going to sleep, shower, go to school, etc...but I KNEW without a doubt that my God was present and cared... and he was telling me JUST that.  Then, as if I needed further confirmation...I opened up my devotional for the day and again, tears poured down my face.  A small excerpt taken from Jesus Calling (Sarah Young) devotional, " Be willing to follow wherever I lead...Though you don't know what lies ahead, I know; and that is enough!...Some of My richest blessings are just around the bend...you must walk by faith--not by sight...Let my light continue to shine within you as you walk among people again."
THANK YOU JESUS!  Wow!  I was in awe of His greatness, His mercy, His love for me, and the knowledge that He wasn't leaving me, even when all I could do was cry His name.  What a powerful time it was that night.  I was able to sleep through the night very soundly and although very stiff and sore the next day, was able to go to school and teach (with a no-hug-Mrs-Witmer-day).
God is good...All the time.  And when I felt like the world was shaking...you guessed it...He held me still.  Thank you Jesus! 
P.S. I have since been back to the main doc, Dr. K...so I have a new post needing to be written...back to the shot doc this week too...prayers appreciated!

Long over-due update #1

I labeled this number 1 as I know that it will be too long to post all in one. I have been avoiding writing it because of this, so hopefully in 2 posts it won't be so hard.  In the last post I had just seen Dr. K and was preparing for my shot doctor the next week (sept 23). Unfortunately I ended up with strep throat and had to reschedule the appt for October 6. That will be for the next post.
I went back to Dr. K on September 30 for a long and detailed appointment.  It was an appointment much like the very first appointment where they did tons of measurements, took pictures of me at all angles, did a full head CT scan, did a biting vibration test, rating my pain levels throughout my body...you name it and the test was run! Ha, at least it felt like it! When he went through the results with me and compared it to the test/pictures taken back in June, it was very interesting to see. There was great improvement in nearly every area.  Even my posture was different, which he attributed some to the mouth appliances and some to the surgery on my nose for the most part, as well as to my lessened neck pain.  After going through all of the results, he told me that we were going to begin weaning off of my day appliance. This is exciting and nerve wracking a bit for me.  But in my mind...I'm still thinking, "but my neck pain is still there....why are we stopping?"  More on that in a bit.  Anyway, the weaning process is about a 5 week process. Each week I have the day appliance out for longer and longer periods of time. The first week I only had it out in one hour increments.  I am now up to four hour stretches, which really means that I mostly have it in to eat and then have it mostly out.  I will wear it to eat for awhile, as the time the jaw is injured the most, is when we are chewing. (interesting factoid 😄). My night appliance will be worn fairly long term. He didn't really give me a time frame on that one.  It will depend how my check ups go and if progress is still being made or maintained. It is going well with weaning and I'm anxious to see how my "tests" show if I am adapting well to it.
So back to my thought of the neck pain still being there...at this point with my jaw being mostly healed up, the nose healed, the shot doctor is where the neck pain will be treated from here on out with direction and guidance still from Dr. K.  At this point, my neck is still not showing up as the primary injury point to be treated. It is my foot and back. More on that in the next post.  As I said above, my tests showed great results on treating my jaw and the doc was very pleased.  He made a comment about as I return for my check ups, we will see if I continue to pass the tests or if I will fail them long term and having jaw pain return.  If jaw pain returns with the weaning off of the day appliance I am to put it back in and call them for an appointment to discuss options. Well, first of all, I never really thought I had that much jaw pain in the first place. So, how will I know if it returns? The dental assistant and doc were so patient with me. Hers is a case like mine and she never felt much jaw pain and things went smoothly until her 6 month check up where she "failed" the testing.  I asked her what happens then?  She said that the dr would completely re-evaluate and move onto step 2 of the process, which could be orthodontics, surgery or other.  This discouraged me to a point, as I don't want to do that...for lots of reasons but that would be a whole new round of bills and I don't know how we would do that at this point.  BUT, God has been amazing through this, so why wouldn't He continue to be amazing, right? So after this appointment, I had joy at seeing the improvements in my tests, discouragement that I still have neck pain and that it has actually increased a bit again, worry over what this process will look like, unclear on what the rest of this process will really be with shot doc and just a feeling of being overwhelmed. There was good news, but also lots of uncertainty. That is hard,especially for a planner like me...but I'm trusting in God's timing and plan in all of this and grateful for a family who picks up the slack...
The next post...the shot doctor...it will be a good one...not fun at all, but definitely full of God's presence and plan.  He IS awesome all the time!  Until the next post...hoping and believing...

My Foot...Really?

An update from my last post...I went to my main doctor, Dr. K, on Friday morning.  He started out reminding me that pain showing up in other areas of my body is a normal thing.  What concerned him was the multiple areas it was showing up.  He told me he had a hunch what it was, but wanted to do the strength and balance testing on me to determine if he was correct.  After doing these tests, I was pretty sure that I knew what it was as well, based on my past experiences with him and this testing.  I have somehow re-injured my foot that we worked on early in the summer.  He asked me if I had pain in my foot, and like in June, I said "No."  Then he pushed his thumb into the same area and like before, it hurt quite a lot.  We are not sure at this point WHY it has been re-injured, and that is something that I will need to talk over with Dr #2, Dr. C, otherwise known as my "shot doc". It could be something as simple as the shoes I am wearing, or it could be the way I walk, or exercise...we don't really know.  He likened it to walking with a small stone in your shoe...you adapt to it being there, but because you are adapting, you walk a little bit differently, which in turn creates the issues in the hips and that spreads to the legs, and the back, etc...He put me back in a toe orthotic, basically a splint to keep my toes separated. I must wear this at all times until I got to Dr. C on Tuesday evening.  At that point I will more than likely get shots in my foot like before and need to have it taped all of the time like before as well.  The odds are also high that I will be getting more shots in my lower back/butt region. Ugh.  Although I dread the shots and the after-effects, if it will help...I'm ready. 

Dr. K was very supportive and encouraging to me.  He agreed this feels like a step back for me. BUT, he also talked about my other strength tests, which are showing that my jaw issues are remaining intact and strong.  His goal is that when I go back on September 30 for a full re-evaluation, that we will be able to start weaning off of my day mouth appliance.  The night appliance I will have for quite some time.  So, there is progress, even if I don't necessarily feel it.

Speaking of my appliances...I forgot to put in one of my last posts about how one night I was making sure I had all of the food out of my appliance once I put it back in my mouth and I noticed "something" right in the front.  I took it out and tried cleaning it to no avail...I had cracked the appliance right in the middle (front of my mouth).  I cried, couldn't eat, was so overwhelmed because I was going to have to replace it and it was NOT cheap to replace.  I was a mess. I had people praying about it and my own prayer was that SOMEHOW they would replace it for me for free or tell me I was to be done with it.   Luckily I was going the next day to see him, but I stayed a mess all that day.  When I got there and I showed him, without hesitation he said, "Oh, that's no big deal.  I broke mine completely in half right there and wore it in two pieces!"  he told me that the only way I had to replace it was if I broke it farther back.  I started crying and told him I sure wish he had told me that the night before! :)  God is good...I didn't have to replace it (no cost or new impressions) and it was no big deal even if it breaks completely.  God is so good! :)
That's all for now...shot doctor on Tuesday, the 23rd...Prayers that the shots wouldn't be as rough this time or in the recovery time...
By the way...I have no idea why the middle is highlighted and I can't get it to turn off...so think of it as added decoration for your viewing pleasure :)

In the valley, but looking up...

I write tonight with somewhat of a heavy heart, yet still hopeful.  May not make sense, but it's where I am at.  In the last 1-2 weeks, my pain has increased quite a bit in my neck.  It has spread out into my upper shoulders and down into my arms a bit.  I am having a lot of difficulty sleeping at night from pains in a lot of new areas of my body.  My hips, down the sides of my thighs, lower back, arms and head.  I wake up and I feel like I'm waking up after a night of working out hard...hurting where I didn't realize I could hurt.  I feel like I'm in a 90 year old body and really struggling.  I've had a couple of migraines in the last week and been in tears more often than I would like to admit.  I had kept it to myself a lot. I felt like if I told someone how much I was hurting and that it was spreading, that it would mean that all of my progress was for nothing and all of the money I am spending on this new treatment was a waste.  Finally, I sat down and told Phil how I was feeling and that I was freaking out a little bit.  I have an appointment with my "shot doc", Dr. C next Tuesday (23rd), but normally the main doc, Dr. K, tells Dr. C what he should be taking a look at and possibly working on.  (sidenote: I'm not positive how it is that he knows where I need to be looked at, but it is all with strength and balance testing).  Anyway, I don't go back to Dr. K until the 30th...so, Phil and I decided that I should email Dr. K and let him know that things were changing and ask him if I was 1. going backwards in healing, 2. if it was a normal dip/valley to go through, 3. if I was falling apart or 4. if I am going crazy???  I explained the timeline of going to Dr. C.   It felt good just to write the email...an hour later (11:00 PM) he wrote me back.  (Can I say again...I love this doctor!!!!)  Anyway, he said it very well could be normal, as he had told me that he believed I had multiple injuries and that these would show up gradually as different parts of me healed.  But he was concerned and didn't want to go any longer with me feeling this way and waiting. He told me his office would call me and get me in this week, so that he could evaluate me, encourage me, and have a plan for when I visit Dr. C next Tuesday.  So, I go on Friday morning (19th) at 9:00 AM to see him.

Tonight I sit here in a lot of pain...in my legs, lower back, upper back, neck and shoulders...but as much as I want to sit and cry and wallow in the "poor me" syndrome...I know God has me on this journey for a reason and I've found these doctors and these treatments for a reason.  I've seen improvement (up until recently) and I know that His strength has helped me endure these last two weeks.  God's strength and an amazing husband who understands me (or tries to anyway), supports me, picks up ALL of the slack when I can't go another step, and makes me take care of myself.  I'm blessed beyond what I deserve...so I have hope.  Hope that I will be encouraged tomorrow.  Hope that this is the next step closer to healing my whole body. Hope that my pain is for a reason. Hope that God has not left me for a single moment in this...even when I felt alone, He has been holding me...and He holds me still....
In the valley, but looking up...