Feeling the Peace, or Not

Romans 5:1 “Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ,”

So, last week we had a sermon that has had my mind swimming ever since. It was on having peace WITH God, peace OF God and peace with others. In light of my pain, I’m having a hard time with how to FEEL God’s peace. If I don’t feel it, does that mean I don’t have it? If I don’t have it, does that mean my faith is too weak or doesn’t exist? We know that we have peace WITH God, according to Romans 5:1…but how do I feel the peace OF God? I don’t feel it to be quite honest and I don’t know what that means. Am I supposed to just say “Okay…pain is fine with me because I’m a Christian and He tells me to rest in His peace.”? I don’t know how to do that. Do I know that God is in control? Absolutely. Do I think He has a plan in all of this? Yep. Do I know that He is taking care of me and giving me the strength to endure day by day? Of course…But do I FEEL it inside? No. Maybe some of you are reading this and are appalled that I’m admitting to this, but I have a feeling I’m not the only one to ever not feel His peace, and therefore have a hard time trusting in it. This sermon came at a point where I was already questioning how to “surrender” to Him. How do I give up this pain and not try to control the next step? I can say it over and over, but how do I really give it up, not just in words but COMPLETELY giving it to Him? How do I sit back and let His plans go to work instead of my own? How do I know that he isn’t telling me to take control and search for medical answers? How do I know when to stop searching and give up the control…in essence being willing to just live with this pain? After this sermon that just riveted me to my seat (and I sat through it two times since I was on worship team—got more the 2nd time around!), I chatted with my family doc for a bit…he challenged me to think about when it is time to stop searching for the answers…stop going to doctor after doctor, running test after test…My first thought was being crushed. My doctor is telling me to give up….that there is NO answer to this pain and I’m looking at the next 50-60 years of pain. (Do I know that’s not exactly what he meant? Yes…but that’s what it felt like) I don’t know what God is telling me. I feel like He is silent…not absent, but silent. I’m at a loss. The pain is not getting any better at all and is a struggle daily. I do not have a pain-free time. It always hurts and affects every aspect of my life. Yet, I’m a Debbie-downer if I express that. People ask me how I am and I’m told to respond with “Good, and you?” when I want to scream that I hurt and I’m sick of it controlling me and I want to be well and normal and pain free. I’m tired of working through the pain…teaching, parenting, being a wife, exercising…LIVING! I don’t know where I go from here. I don’t know how to find and feel that peace.

Washington D.C.

Over Spring Break, Phil took the kids and went to his parents for the week.  I have a different spring break, so I stayed home. Phil, Paw-Paw, Brock & Grant took a trip into Washington D.C. one of the days.  They took some great pictures that these are just a sampling of.  Paw-Paw bought the boys each a replica of one of the buildings (White House and Capitol Building) to help them remember their trip. Here they are on the Mall in front of the Capitol Building.

They went to a couple of museums while they were there.  Here is a picture from The Air and Space Museum.

The boys thought the fighter jets and simulations were pretty neat to see.

Here's a view of the White House from the top of the Old Post Office Building.  Since they were limited on time, they weren't able to get everywhere, but could see a lot from the top of this building.

The Lincoln Memorial was one place that Grant really would have liked to visit, but it was a pretty far distance to walk, so they didn't make it over there. Again, they could see it from the Old Post Office though.

On the Mall in front of the Washington Monument

One of the boys favorite parts was the getting to and from D.C.  They parked outside of DC and took the metro into the city.  They loved riding this train, going above and below ground...but no pictures.  Even though I specifically asked for pictures of that since I knew it would be their favorite part...that's okay...I think Phil did GREAT taking all of these pictures and I even just made an album for them all!  Glad to be a part of their memories by listening to them.

Annoyed, Frustrated and...Blessed

I've had a variety of emotions today.  I had a good morning.  My pain was below average for me, Kiara went on the potty, we giggled and played...got to drink my coffee while getting the kids ready for school...cleaned my room, including dusting (which is a huge deal if you know me well)...ate healthy while being at home...and then WHAM, BAM, SMACK me in the face...the pain slammed me this afternoon and has continued into this evening.  It honks me off...why can't I just have one full good day?  I was angry, annoyed, frustrated and just sick of it all.  Then, I looked at my sweet "baby" girl sleeping during her nap and realized...I am blessed.  Wish I could say that I got all warm and fuzzy after that and the pain drifted away. Not so.  I've still been annoyed and frustrated the rest of the afternoon/night but I've been able to see the blessings as well.  Last week in the midst of my emotional roller coaster with the surgeon telling me that he couldn't "see" anything wrong with me, my pastor suggested that I keep a journal of blessings.  I had been trying to look for blessings in my day anyway, but his suggestion to write one thing down daily for 30 days and then I can physically look back at this list/journal and see the many things I have to be thankful for.  I started it the evening he suggested it.  Some of the things I have been thankful for:  a wonderful husband who is willing to do more than his fair share with the kids and house in order to keep us fuctioning (I love him so much)...my kids who are so understanding and loving with an unconditional love that even when i simply can't do what they want...they accept me as I am...the gift of my eyesight that I have been able to behold gorgeous sunrises on my drive to work last week that have reminded me also of the complete awesomeness of God...the ability to push through the pain in order to exercise so that my hard work in losing weight is not put right back on...friends who love me and truly want to know how I am doing, even if it isn't all warm and fuzzy...a church family who prays for each other and worships God with gusto on Sunday mornings...This is all just a start to my many blessings...I am blessed abundantly.  Even in the midst of my pain, my annoyance and frustrations...He is good and I CHOOSE to say Blessed Be Your Name.