Simply Numb

I'm not sure what to say or how to begin this post.  I usually just start typing and the words flow.  Not so much this time.  I went back to the shot doctor tonight, Dr. C.  And that's where my brain just sort of stops.  To give me an idea of where I could start, I re-read my blog from the last appointment...below is an excerpt from it...

"Dr. C told me if these shots do not help me, he is stumped again.  Translation...he won't know what to do with me again and this journey basically has halted again.  I'm nervous.  I'm scared that it won't work.  I'm scared of having to start over.  I'm scared of just giving up again.  I'm scared of this pain that has been here for 11 years tomorrow (Nov 9).  I'm scared of hoping to be disappointed again. "

Back to today...the pain levels have not lowered since my last round of shots.  He felt that this would do the trick and it has not.  I'm still in pain. EVERY day. The shots have NOT worked.  He is stumped with me and the journey has halted. He says that there isn't anything else that he knows to do. He told me he was sorry, and I just sat there nodding. He even asked me if I was understanding what he was saying because I was calm and not crying.  I understand. But I'm numb. I'm simply numb.  He did tell me that when I go back to Dr. K at the end of January we can see if he finds something additional to look at, but that looks fairly unlikely at this point.   All of this hope, all of this last 8 months are swirling around me and I feel numb. How can this be?  THIS was supposed to be the answer.  My jaw is fixed, my foot and lower back are fixed.  Why can't my neck be fixed? 11 years...So, I sit here tonight wondering what is next? Is this journey over?  Do I just accept this life of pain?  If so, HOW do I accept it? Where do I go from here...physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually...???  And when the numbness wears off...how will I react to this?  And then I read another portion of my last post when I had just gotten the last set of shots...

"And even though I'm scared of all of those things, I KNOW without a doubt that God will sustain me.  He has for 11 years, so why on earth would He leave me now???  He won't.  He holds me, sustains me and gives me daily strength...so I'm trying not to focus on the scary stuff...but just to breathe in and out and trust that God's plan is bigger than any that I have for myself."

So, I don't know what's next.  I don't even know how I will feel in the morning.  I sit here tonight with my gluten free, sugar free, dairy free "Frosty" and put Hershey's syrup on it to cheat a little and comfort myself...wondering when my world will stop spinning and when I will lose this numbness...I do know that God will sustain me and give me daily strength. He has proven Himself over and over and so I know He won't leave me now. But right now, a single tear rolls down my cheek, and I wait on Him to help me breathe in and out and show me His plan in this...a plan to use all of this for His glory...