The Doctor said "Hallelujah!"

It's been a few weeks since Phil had to go to the doctor.  It's nice to not have to go so often, but it makes us nervous when it is time to go...hoping that that all is still going well.  We had a crazy morning before leaving which is a whole different post, but got to the appointment on time.  We underwent the normal wait time of getting drops, waiting awhile, getting vision checked, waiting some more and then finally back to the room to see the doctor.  We were nervous and anxious to hear what the doctor would see during the exam.  He doesn't always comment while looking at his eyes, and often just says "Uh-huh", "yes", "Okay".  But yesterday we were shocked and ecstatic to hear "Hallelujah! It looks fantastic!" when first examining the "bad" eye!  We've never heard those words or heard the doctor so excited! Immediately tears filled my eyes.  I didn't relax yet, as he still had to look at the "good" eye but Phil and I made eye contact and you could feel our relief!  When he switched to the "good" eye, we were nervous because there was still a possibility that he would say that Phil would still need to have the major surgery in that eye (followed by the face down again).  As he looked at that eye, he said "This looks great!".  As he rolled away from Phil on his chair, he then said "We're done with both eyes."  WHAT????  Does that mean what we think it does???

He told us that they both look fantastic and he is so pleased. The gas bubble in his eye is down to about 30% so hopefully in the next couple of weeks it will completely dissolve and his vision will come back fully.  He acknowledged it has been a very long road but we finally made it!  There is NOT a need for additional surgery on the "good" eye, as the 3 laser surgeries were able to fully attach it.  The original plan with it was that it would just buy us some time while the "bad" eye healed up completely...but the laser surgeries have worked and no additional surgery is needed!  PRAISE GOD!!!!!  He is sending us back to the eye doctor for a prescription update in his glasses so that Phil will be able to drive again.  We also will then be referred to a surgeon to do cataract surgery, at least on the one "bad" eye in early to mid March probably. This is a minor procedure that he will likely have on a Friday and be back to work on Monday.

He has been released to continue all normal daily activity and get rid of the patch completely!!!! He is still not allowed to do heavy duty lifting, but can do normal lifting...like laundry baskets, sweeper, etc..HAHAHAHA! He asked about running, as he used to run 4+ miles a day, and he is not able to do that yet, but they did release him to WALK on the treadmill...so you can bet he was on the treadmill last night walking slowly, but happy to be on it! He has just a couple of eye drops left per day.

When we left we set up an appointment for 2 months out!  This is the longest we've gone in between appointments and it felt so good.  The nurse told Phil she thought he'd been there more than her the last few months (smile).   They told us before long it would be a year between visits and we said we couldn't wait for that.  As we left, I was in happy tears and smiling and Phil was very wound up and excited.  He talked non-stop on the way home and it was sooooooooo good to hear him so happy and upbeat.  We would be driving and one of us would just say "Thank you Jesus".  He has been so faithful to us during this time.  It's been a long 4 months for us.  A very long 4 months.  But it sounds like we are on the full upswing of this and God provided every single step of the way.   

We are rejoicing!  We are praising God!  We have happy hearts!  Even as I sit here typing, I'm smiling and have tears running down my cheeks at my happiness and thoughts of what we've gone through.  What a great gift for Christmas!  Definitely our favorite one by far.  We are so blessed by all of you...by your prayers, your thoughts, your meals, your gifts...this has been a humbling experience for us and we are so very thankful for each of you. We are ready to bid good riddance to 2017 and have a fresh start in 2018!!! 
"Hallelujah! It looks fantastic!"  Praying that is our motto for the new year!!!!

Happy to work!

It's been two weeks since I've updated.  There hasn't been a ton to update, so I didn't make the time to do it.  Sorry if you've been waiting.  Phil went back to work 1/2 days this past Monday, December 4 with some limitations.  No lifting or too much physical exertion.  That was a challenge for him but he did well. He came home tired each day. His first week back they had their annual Holiday Hog Roast for all of the customers at work, so it was a bit of a crazy week to go back...along with  HIS BIRTHDAY!!!!  He got what he wanted...to go back to work for his present.  He was worried about having to talk to everyone who came in...and although it was exhausting, I think it also reassured him of his value to his work family and how much they missed him.  After 9 weeks off, his body will take a bit to adjust to being up and around and his eyes will especially need some time to regain their strength. He was so incredibly happy to be back at work and spent a lot of his time talking to customers welcoming him back.   He is still wearing the eye patch.  This last surgery, they put in a larger gas bubble in the eye so it is taking longer to dissolve.  He is noticing a little bit of vision in that eye when he takes off the patch, so it IS slowly dissolving but will take some time.  The prescription in his "good" eye has changed after 3 laser surgeries, so he is not seeing100% clearly out of that eye either with his glasses, which makes his eye tired as well as it works harder to see and is also causing some headaches. 

Phil went back to the doctor on Thursday morning and both eyes are looking good and healing nicely.  There is still a little bit of fluid behind the retina in the "bad" eye, but he says it is okay as long as it remains sealed and attached.   He changed up his eye drops and told him that if he feels ready, he can go back to work full time, with the continued restrictions with the physical activity and lifting.  So, Monday he goes back full time.  I'm a bit apprehensive.  I know he will be fine...I just worry that he will over do it and something will go "wrong".  I'm sure he tires of me checking in on him and questioning if he is following the rules, but I can't help it.  He doesn't go back to the doctor for 3 whole weeks!  The longest stretch so far and that feels good!  Oh...I almost forgot. I've had several people ask me about driving...He is NOT driving.  So we are taking turns running him and making sure he is where he needs to be and when.  I am thankful for my Dad, my oldest who helps drive and Phil's work family that is helping out.  It takes a village, right???  We are so very blessed.

Along with Phil going back to work, I had two concerts this week. I am used to having Phil help with set up and tear down each night and that was hard for BOTH of us when he wasn't able to do anything.  He was the official supervisor and videographer at the 2nd one (smile).  So thankful that Grant helped me with the set up, both the boys were able to help at my first concert, and that Brock surprised me and showed up to help tear down the 2nd one. It was a long week all the way around for all of us and we spent the weekend recovering. Selfie before concert #1 that was also Kiara's concert.

So, that's the latest.  We continue to feel so blessed. One day this week I text a friend, "God is so good. So, so good and I'm sitting in the quiet of my room overwhelmed at his goodness."  It has been a long road, but those words describe how we have felt over and over through all of this.  God is so incredibly good and has provided for us over and over in so many ways.  We have been blessed and we want others to know that.  We are not completely through this tunnel of craziness, but we know that God will not leave us or forsake us and He will remain oh so very good through it all. 
Ways to pray:
1. Continued healing for both of Phil's eyes.  That vision will return fully to both.
2. Continued strength and stamina as he adjusts back to work.
3. That our story can bring the light of Christ to others...especially during this Christmas season. It seems a bit sweeter this year to celebrate the birth of our Savior.
Blessings to you...

Happy Tears...

This morning was our 2 week post-operative check up after Phil's eye surgery.  He has been face down for 2 weeks now (7 total weeks). We were hopeful that at this appointment we would get news that he could be upright, but other than that didn't know what else we would learn.  Well...let me tell you it was an eventful appointment and went much longer than we had anticipated.  

Before the doctor even looked at Phil's eye, he talked with us about how he wanted to get Phil back to work soon, as he was worried about Phil's job and knows that he needs to work. We were shocked at this announcement, but knew he hadn't looked at the eye yet, so didn't get too hopeful.  He looked at the eye then several times and was very happy with what he saw.  He says that although he can't guarantee anything until the gas bubble in his eye is gone, that is indeed 100% attached and looks fantastic!  That news was a looooooonnnnnggggg time coming!  He also gave us the FANTASTIC news that Phil does NOT have to be face down any longer.  He can resume being upright and sleeping on his sides, but still needs to wear his eye patch for the next 2 weeks or so.  I can't tell you how good it was to hear that news!

THEN...he asked us if we were in a rush because he'd like to go ahead and dilate the "good" eye and take a look at it yet today.  So, Phil was given drops and back to the waiting room we went.  We sat there for awhile before they gave him more drops in the eye and took him back in for the doctor to look at it.  Upon examining it, he stated that he wanted to do more laser surgery on it, as he thought he could possibly fix it to the point that no surgery was needed.  So, we headed to the laser surgery room while he finished up with other patients in the office.  They were only to be open 1/2 day today and I think we might've interrupted some Black Friday shopping for some of his staff...

He did the laser surgery and upon finishing said that he believes that he has prevented the need for the major eye surgery that he had in the other eye.  It may need to be revisited in the future, but he said it took really well and that he is very hopeful that this will take care of it! Thank you Jesus!

That's not even the end of it!!!  Phil will be allowed to try to go back to work on Monday, December 4 for 1/2 days as he is able.  He will have restrictions and is not allowed to lift anything, but will be able to go back and do at least some of his job!  Phil is ecstatic and thinks it will be a long week waiting.  I'm just hoping he can build up some stamina and energy by then.  It has been so long since he has slept well...over 3 months since his symptoms first started.  He couldn't wait to go to bed tonight as he gets to sleep on his side and hopefully will finally sleep soundly.

I've been breaking out into the chorus "Praise God, Praise God. Praise God who saves my soul. Praise God. Praise God. Praise God from whom all blessings flow." all night long.    We know everything isn't perfect yet and that we still have a ways to go, but this is the first really good news we've had in such a long time.  We are headed to get our Christmas tree tomorrow and Phil will actually be able to go with us!!!!  He won't be able to help with any of it, but he will be WITH us!  

Yesterday, as we were preparing to eat lunch at my parent's house...I had to go in the other room and cry for a minute as I was just so sad that Phil couldn't be there with us.  I was sad for him that he was at home face down while we were celebrating and eating a feast.  My heart hurt.  TODAY, my heart rejoices in our great news and the tears were of a different sort...HAPPY TEARS and I'm so thankful for them.

Thank you, thank you, thank you...for your prayers and thoughts, texts, emails, messages, posts...you name it.  They have meant the world to us so far in this journey and it is wonderful to know that as we continue on that you are there pulling for us.  We. Are. Blessed.

Prayer Requests for this week:

1. That Phil remembers to be cautious and not over-do things.

2. That his sleep patterns would return to normal and he would get rested up.

3. That both eyes continue to heal and that his vision would continue to come back fully.

Still hanging in there...

It's been over a week since an update and I am beginning to field more questions, so I thought it was a good time to update.  Phil has been at the doctor twice since my last post.  At both appointments, the doctor has been extremely pleased with how the retina looks.  Fully attached and healing nicely!!! Thank you Jesus! That is the most important news to get and we are so thankful to know that things are looking up.  He goes back to the doctor this Friday. I keep telling him I'm going Black Friday shopping and he's sitting in the car after his appointment! HA!  We hope at this appointment, we will hear he can be upright again.  That was what he told us SHOULD happen, but we've been there before and don't want to get our hopes too high.

With this second surgery, he has had a significantly higher pressure in his eye than he had with the first surgery.  The pressure is high enough that the doctor has him on meds (diomax) to keep the pressure from raising anymore.  These meds are making him nauseous and just feeling rotten all over.  Plus, the high pressure in his eye is causing it to feel very pressurized and more painful this go around.  In fact, his entire face is tender from this pressure.  After being in this face down position for over 6 weeks now, Phil's body is revolting a bit.  His shoulders, back and head are in a lot of pain and he can't find a position that is comfortable to sleep in and let his body relax.  Today he was at migraine level pain and feeling just awful.  It is hard not being able to do much for him.  I rubbed his shoulders, neck and head for him tonight which he said felt great...but I wish there was more for me to do for him.  Even his forehead is extremely tender as it has been the point that is supporting his head when he is face down.  

This week is the boys football banquet (Brock's last one) and Thanksgiving and Phil will miss both of those events.  Brock and Grant also went hunting for the first time this weekend and that was hard for Phil to miss.  It's been a tough couple of months.  I am tired.  I push and push and push until I fall into a chair or the bed at night during the week.  It is concert season for me, which is a higher stress level anyway, so I'm feeling the tension and the stress. But I always have 'just enough' to get through the day.  Thanks be to God.  And I have found that it's okay to go to bed and take care of myself instead of worrying about my to-do lists. 

Prayer requests:

1. Release from the pain and pressure in Phil's head.  Comfort for his body so that he can rest.

2. Good news at the doctor Friday to be upright.

3. Patience in the waiting.

4. Comfort for Phil in missing out on things...and my ability to keep it all together.

5. Rest for us. One more day of school and then 5 whole days off.  Pray that it would be a sweet time with our family.

We are blessed by so many of you...checking on us, praying for us, providing meals, loving us, texting and calling.  We see the love of Christ in each of you. Thank you.

Post-Surgery and Oh So Tired

Life was a little busy the last two days and so many have been messaging me and asking how Phil is doing.  I apologize for not posting anything sooner, but between post op appointment, grocery shopping, getting my oldest off to a semi-formal, trying to spend a little time with my youngest and taking care of Phil, there really hasn't been much time to do it.

Friday was surgery day.  He had to be at the hospital at 2:00 pm and I had my 2nd Veterans Day program happening at 1:30, so thankfully my dad was able to get Phil to the hospital to get registered and into his room.  My program ended and I was immediately off to the hospital.  I got there in plenty of time to sit and wait and chat a little bit.  We had thought the surgery was at 4:15, but the surgeon didn't get to the hospital until 5:00 PM. So after a short visit with him, they wheeled Phil back to surgery about 5:10 pm.  And then the waiting began again...My dad and I got some coffee and went to the main waiting room as it was more comfortable than his tiny room. As we were sitting there, some sweet friends of Phil and I's showed up to keep us company. (I had told them they didn't need to come...but they didn't listen--ha!) It certainly did pass the time to have them there and distract me from the clock.

About 7:15 PM, the doctor came out to tell us that everything went very well and that he was pleased.  He let us know we were to meet him at 8:00 AM on Saturday at his office for the post-op check and to have the dressing changed/taken off.  His nurse then came out and gave us instructions and let us know he would come to recovery soon.

Around 8:00 PM, Phil was brought back to his room, awake and very loopy and VERY nauseous.  He did not have this reaction last time (nausea).  If you know Phil, you know he has a fear of getting sick.  He HATES it. But the nausea meds that were prescribed were suppositories and he wanted nothing to do with that (smile). He got worse and worse and very agitated with it.  Finally the nurse grabbed the anesthesiologist and he wrote a prescription for his IV.  Within minutes his whole body relaxed and he felt much better thankfully.    He kept us entertained with his loopy-ness that he doesn't really remember.  I'll be nice and NOT share the funny stories here, but I will tell you that he wanted to take selfies...which is NOT normal...and wanted to be sure it was a GOOD one of us. 

We finally were released and made it home about 10:35 PM.  After getting him settled in, given pain meds and making sure he wasn't going to need anything else, I fell into bed for a few hours.  Back up and to the doctor in the morning for post-op check up.  The doctor was again very pleased and says that the retina is FULLY ATTACHED!  Praise God!!!!  He was more personable and chatty and even cracked a couple of jokes with us. 

He is having quite a bit of pain, not just in his eye, but his whole face and head hurts.  He is having trouble getting comfortable and is pretty miserable.  It's so hard to not be able to help him in any way, other than give him his slew of eyedrops and pain meds and try to help him get comfortable.  We have so much to be thankful for...we really do.  The surgery was successful. We have a fantastically gifted doctor, we have family and friends that are there for us and encouraging us.  His eyesight should remain intact (with a prescription change likely). We serve a God who remains faithful and showing Himself to us daily.

BUT, we are tired.  We are weary.  We are discouraged.  He's in pain. He's uncomfortable.  He's feeling guilty for being down and leaving everything to the rest of us.  He's guilty about not going to work.  We are tired...did I mention that?  I am oh so tired, but life moves forward. It didn't stop on Friday for us (or 12 weeks ago when this all started).  Time marches on and with it we wake up each day and we begin again...only in God's strength. Only with His arms wrapped around us.    Isaiah 41:10 has been shared with me multiple times and friend encouraged me to read it from the Message translation...All I can say is WOW.  Here it is: "I pulled you in from all over the world, called you in from every dark corner of the earth, telling you 'I've picked you. I haven't dropped you. Don't panic. I'm with you.  There's no need to fear for I'm your God. I'll give you strength. I'll help you. I'll hold you steady, keep a firm grip on you.'"  Yes indeed...so here are our prayers requests.

1.  Lessening of the pain and continued healing for Phil.
2.  That Phil could find a comfortable position to be in so he can rest.
3. ENERGY and STRENGTH for me, as life swims around us and I'm overwhelmed with taking care of it all...including work, home, laundry, taking care of myself and all of my family...
4. That we would continue to feel God's presence each day of this trial and that we can point others to HIM. 

Like I said...we have much to be thankful for.  We truly do.  This is a season. And we will get through it.  But we are weary.  Thank you for checking on us. Loving us. Coming alongside us. Be examples of Christ's love.  We love you all.

Surgery...again

I'm sitting here with lots of words swimming in my head, but no idea what to say and how to put it all into explanations and feelings...so as I process through my numbness, I'll just share information.  The synopsis of Phil's appointment today:

The doctor came in, looked at both eyes and left the room, which kind of surprised me and the nurse didn't look real clear either on it.  We were the last patients of the day and so it wasn't that he was checking on someone else.  He came back after a few minutes and told us he had needed to take a little walk. He said that he was very frustrated and that he knew we were too.  At this point we knew it wasn't going to be good news.  There is still fluid underneath the retina and it is simply not draining out and getting better. He feels that the best option is to go in and do the surgery again.  They will take out the gas bubble that is in his eye now, do the repair, and then put a new gas bubble in.  He will then be face down for 2 weeks again.  He tells us that it will be 2 weeks or less this time...but we aren't getting our hopes up.  The surgery will be tomorrow,  Friday (Nov 10) in the late afternoon.

He did say that he is hopeful that another laser surgery (in office, non-invasive) surgery on the good eye will keep us from needing to do the full surgery on that eye at all.  Again, we are hopeful, but not counting on it.  This would be the 3rd laser surgery on this eye. 

I don't have words...and ya'll know that doesn't happen often.  This was not the news we wanted to hear.  We are disappointed, overwhelmed, and so many other emotions right now. Phil doesn't know how he will do this again...I'm wondering the same...But we will.  One day at a time.  Maybe one moment at a time.  God has gotten us through the last 6 weeks (really 12 since the symptoms started) and He will get us through the next few.  He won't leave us now.  We know that.  We really do, but right now we have lots of feelings and emotions at the forefront and it is hard to stay focused on that.

My dad will be taking Phil up to get registered and checked in at the hospital because I have two veterans day programs to put on at each of my schools.  Immediately after the 2nd one, my principal has given me permission to leave to get to the hospital before he goes back into surgery.  We will have to return on Saturday morning for the doctor to change the dressing out and examine his eye. 

So, prayer requests:
1. A successful and final surgery on this eye.
2. Peace and calmness in the midst of all of the emotions happening.
3. A heart of thankfulness, as we know there are those who have it much worse.
4. For Phil to feel God's presence before, during and after surgery and that God will sustain Him and grow him during the 2 weeks of face down.

Thank you for loving us and praying for us.  We feel it...we really do. 

No matter what...He never leaves me

This week has been a rough week. A rough, rough week.I found myself yesterday crying out to a friend that I was overwhelmed and feeling incredibly anxious.  This same friend had told me a trick she used in times like this and so I told her I was using it...I was breathing in the word "Abba" and breathing out the word "Father".  ABBA........FATHER.....ABBA....FATHER.  You see life happens and the world doesn't stop spinning just because we need it to for a minute.  Life caught up to me this week...the first medical bill came in, some battles with one of our kiddos, two Veterans Day programs for me to put on this week, holiday concerts coming up in just 3 school weeks and we haven't even learned all of the songs because I've missed school, anticipation and worry over the doctor's appointment this week where we are to find out some answers (oh please let us find out some answers)...and some other things I won't mention burdening me...I am not complaining or whining (at least I'm trying not to)...but yesterday it just came crashing out at me.  I was grouchy with students, with my family, with staff and had to go back and apologize multiple times.  I got in the car yesterday after school and had to run some errands, only to find that the eyedrops that Phil needed because he was completely out hadn't been called in to the pharmacy yet and the tears welled up.  And then this song came on...this song that brought me through some dark days in my own pain journey from the not so distant past.  This song was near and dear to me in my 12 year pain journey...I would play it on the piano and sing...and I would meet Jesus there.  It was one of the songs that I would sing and KNOW that God heard me, was with me and would not leave me in the middle of the storms of life. The whole song is good...but here are a few words that stuck out to me:  song is Meredith Andrews "After All"

"After all, you are constant. After all...You are only good. After all...you are sovereign. Not for a moment will you forsake me."

"Every step, every breath... You are there. Every tear, every cry, every prayer. In my heart, at my worst, when my world falls down... Not for a moment, will you forsake me. Even in the dark. Even when it's hard, you will never leave me."

ABBA....FATHER....ABBA....FATHER

It's going to be okay. I've got you.  Hold onto me."  Those were the words that I "heard" Him speak to me.  This doctor's appointment is a big one tomorrow.  We hope we get some answers and that makes us so anxious.  Will they be the answers we want desperately...no surgery???  Or will we face doing this all over again in the same eye and then still have the "good" eye to do later.  And when I think about it, I feel the anxiousness set in...how will Phil do this again (if he needs to)?  How will get through more of this?  When will it all end?  And I feel tears come to my eyes and my body completely tense up and my teeth clench...and then I remind myself to breathe..He is with us.  He will not forsake us.  EVEN IN THE DARK (which has multiple meaning for us), even when it's hard...He is NOT going to leave us.  And no matter what happens He will help us to find ways to praise Him and give Him all of the glory and honor in the way it unfolds.  So thankful for a faith that we know we aren't alone in this.  We may feel alone at times, but we never are....

So whatever answers the appointment holds tomorrow...we'll keep breathing...

ABBA...FATHER...ABBA...FATHER.     

Amen.

A few answers...and a few question marks

Another long afternoon in the doctor's office.  I don't think I've mentioned before that the average appointment time is 2-3 hours, so when we go, I take things to do!

After the normal routine of a round of eyedrops in BOTH eyes for dilation in the waiting room, Phil went back for more drops and an eye exam.  Two weeks ago when they tested his bad eye, he could see movement  and shapes but mostly just a blurry mess.  Today he could see actual THINGS...like her two fingers held up and part of the eye chart!  Woo hoo!  Definite progress.  When he came out from that portion of the appointment, he put the eye patch in my bag and said he was D.O.N.E. with it and told me the good news of seeing things.  And then we waited and waited some more...

The next time he goes back is for the doctor exam, so I go back with him.  He thoroughly looks at both eyes, takes notes, looks again, and then uses an instrument to "push around" in his good eye seeing how the laser surgery went.   The news Phil has been waiting for...on Thursday morning, he will be allowed to be upright and use his eyes again!!!!!!! He can sit up and watch tv or read or do whatever! Woo hoo!!!!  His upside down exercises are over as well. He will need to sleep on his left side only at this point, but he is THRILLED to get off of his stomach in the morning! 

Then the part that wasn't quite as exciting...He is not allowed to return to work at this point.  They still want him to be more stable and not over-do things with his eye, so he must be off longer.  He wants to go back to work so desperately.    He also isn't allowed a lot of physical activity...definitely no exercising.  The "bad" eye still has fluid in the retinal area, which normally is gone by now.  The doctor is hopeful that is is just taking a long time to heal because of how badly it was detached.    The "good" eye...he didn't come right out and say that the laser surgery was or wasn't successful...but he did say that the laser surgery "bought us some time" to see what the bad eye is going to do.  We are taking that to mean, that he will need the full fledge surgery (followed by face down) for the "good" eye as well.  We both interpreted it that way at least.    He was much better at talking to us today and answering questions and we didn't feel as rushed.  At the end of the appointment he told us that next week we are to come back and at that point, he will make a firm decision of what is next for both eyes.  Worst case scenario is having surgery on the bad eye again to drain the fluid that is hanging around, plus still have to do the full surgery on the good eye.   He really doesn't want to do the surgery on the same eye again, which he said is why he has continued to give it "one more week" for awhile.  But he said at this point in the recovery a decision needs to be made as the healing will be very far along.  He seemed hopeful that a re-surgery (my made up word) will not take place, but isn't ruling it out either.  We go next Thursday afternoon where we have been told there will be more definite answers given.  We had hoped for those today, but at the same time...at least he has told us when we WILL have more information. 

We have few answers, but a few good ones.   For that we rejoice and praise God!  We were able to relax, laugh and joke on the way home tonight.  We are anxious to have our normal completely back and it has been a long journey already, with a ways to go it sounds like...Here are my prayer requests for this week:
1. Pray that Phil doesn't over-do it.  He is anxious to be back to normal, but I worry he will do too much and end up doing damage.
2. Pray for ME to have patience with him as I encourage him to continue to take it easy and to speak in love when reminding him that he still has restrictions. (smile)
3. Pray for continued healing in his eyes.  We KNOW that God can heal him in this week before we go back, but we also know it may not be His will...Help us to rest in His plan.

We are so blessed by all of those praying for us, checking in with us and loving on us.  God is good...All the time! And all the time....God is good!

A Curve Ball

Tonight my comment was, "Every time we go to back to the doctor, I feel like we get  thrown a curve ball." And since the World Series has started...what better title for the day, right?  The much anticipated day back to the eye surgeon...In my post earlier in the week, I had said that we would hopefully be ending the face down positioning for the "bad" eye and would be having laser surgery on the "good" eye.  So today was the day...We were nervous, anxious and so ready for the appointment.  It is quite a process at each visit...they come to give eye drops to you in the waiting room, often call you back into a room where an assistant tests your vision and gives more eye drops, head back to the waiting room, then back to a room to the see the doctor.  When she came to give eye drops, she told us she was only doing the "good" eye and that they wouldn't be looking at the "bad" eye today. We were like, WHAT??????? He's supposed to look at it and tell us if he can be done with the face down positioning.  She said she was doing what the chart said and if he wanted it to be different, they would let her know.  Curve ball #1.   Phil heads back to the room for the eye test and more drops...and the second nurse/assistant re-iterates that the chart says we are not looking at "bad" eye at all.  WHAT????  Finally we head into the laser procedure room where we waited on the doctor.  He came in and I was ushered out (can't be in the room during the procedure).  When the doctor was doing the procedure, Phil says that he kept sighing and asking him to be still and relax.  We are pretty sure they forgot to put numbing drops in his eye before this procedure and it was very painful and uncomfortable for Phil, so relaxing and staying still was a challenge to say the least.  Last time he had this procedure, the doctor knew immediately that it was NOT successful and told us right away so we assumed that would be the case today as well.  Curve ball #2.  He said we would have to wait and see if it worked or not and that he would see us in a week (next Wednesday). WHAT?????  He starts to immediately leave the room and Phil quickly asks him "What about my other eye, and do I continue the face down?"  He said yes to continue the face down and exercises and he would see us next week...without every looking at his eye!!!  WHAT???  Curve Ball #3 (Are you noticing a theme to our appointment??? WHAT????)  And then he left the room swiftly.  This doctor is the best of the best...we know that...but  today threw us for a loop.  Nothing that we had anticipated for today came to be.  We know nothing more now than we did before and Phil is STILL FACE DOWN for at least another week. (This will be week #5!!! when normally it is 2 weeks)  So we go back next Wednesday afternoon to hopefully find out results of laser surgery and maybe have BOTH eyes looked at this time?  We just don't know.  We are at a bit of a loss tonight.  We are feeling discouraged and disappointed and wondering when it will all end and have life resume normally???

A sweet friend text me a scripture today while I sat in the waiting room and it is one of the scriptures we have been leaning on.  Isaiah 41:10 "Don't be afraid, for I am with you. Don't be discouraged, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you. I will hold you up with my victorious right hand."
So, we will not fear.  We will hang on to God and try to not be discouraged.  We will rely on HIS strength and help.  He is good even in this season of curve balls.

So...prayer requests:
1. Continue to pray for patience and endurance for Phil.  He is not sleeping well at all and is exhausted, so tired of this and ready to be DONE.
2. Pray this laser procedure WORKED and that no further surgery and face down is needed.
3. Pray this is the last week of face down for the "bad" eye.
4. Pray for peace, strength, and the ability to not be discouraged while we lean in to God.

Thank you for reading, caring, praying and loving on us.  We are blessed indeed.

Head Down...Still

We headed back to the eye specialist on Friday morning.  Going into the appointment, we were very hopeful that Phil would be able to be upright again so that he could go to Brock's football Sectional game that night...That was not to be.  The exercises and positioning he has been doing are indeed working to continue the attachment process with the retina, but there is still some slight fluid and detachment in the "bad" eye, so he is continuing the head down position, along with the exercises 5 times a day (it was 10 times a day).  The exercise that he has to do I call "standing on his head"...he hangs over the bed, upside down, with the top of his head just touching the floor for 10 minutes at a time. The normal face down time is 2 weeks...we are at week 4 this week.  He is tired of laying and is so very bored, as he can't watch tv, read, text, etc.  He is supposed to limit his eye use so that it can be stable and heal properly.

We also talked about the "good" eye at the appointment.  We had thought we would be setting up the full blown surgery and re-starting the face down for the good eye this week.  The surgeon looked at the good eye at this appointment in great detail.  He has decided that he is going to TRY to do laser surgery in the office on Wednesday of this week.  He has already done this and it was unsuccessful, but he would like to try it one more time to see if he can prevent the full invasive surgery that was done on the "bad" eye.  We will have the laser surgery on Wednesday afternoon.  We are praying this works as it will mean he will not have to do face down for THAT eye and that the end of face down is near (likely this week).  If the laser surgery is unsuccessful, we will then set up the full surgery for later in the week (we think).  Our surgeon likes to take it one step at a time and not talk about what-ifs or what's next.    So we wait again...I go back to work this week after being home for Fall Break all week.  It has been nice to be home, get caught up on some things, spend time as a family and REST.  Tomorrow starts the whirlwind again and I can feel the anxiety of the busy-ness already.

So, the number 1 question I get is "What can I do to help?".  Honestly, there isn't a lot anyone can do...and with football ended now, the kids will be home to help more and there will be less running hopefully.  So, my answer sounds a bit rehearsed and contrite, but is honest...please pray for us...below are some ways you can pray this week for us...

1.  Pray for patience for the hubby as he continues face down.  He is so tired of it and I just can't imagine. Also for rest for him...he is not sleeping well for any length of time and he is exhausted.

2. Pray for the laser procedure on Wednesday, that it might be successful and no major surgery be required on the good eye. And that the bad eye would continue to heal and he can be upright again.

3. For energy and strength for me as I continue to run the household and do it all.  I have been blessed with a husband that works with me and has a 50/50 relationship with me...but that means I'm a bit overwhelmed with it all....I'm doing good...I really am, but can definitely use prayer to know when it's okay to let things go and take care of myself as well.

God has been so good to us and we have found reason to praise, even in these events.   We have seen God moving...and He has been providing for us...enough for each day.  Thank you for your prayers.  Phil may have to have his head down, but we are looking up ;)  Blessings to you...

Hindsight is 20/20

Hindsight really IS 20/20.  If only we could go back and see it all clearly from the beginning, right?
The story begins 9 weeks ago when my hubby text me that he set up an eye dr. appointment because he was having "trouble" with his vision. Upon further questioning, I discovered that he had a black spot in his vision that was bothering him.  He ended up going in the very same day to the doctor and was told that he had "floaters" in his eye and that it would go away on it's own in 2-6 weeks.  No need to worry unless things got worse or changed in his vision.  3 weeks later, he goes back to eye doctor as he is having flashing (lightning) in his eye along with the dark spots.  Again told they couldn't see any tears or problems and that it should get better on it's own. 3 weeks later, at the 6 week mark, hubby went back to the eye dr but saw the other doctor in the practice.  She thinks she sees "something" and tells him they are making him an appointment with a specialist in less than 2 hours.  Hubby calls me and I rush out of work, leaving no plans for a sub to race him to the appointment an hour away.
Tuesday, September 26--This appointment was crazy in so many ways.  The waiting room was PACKED, and loud with some very interesting characters in it, and we were there for over 4 hours.  They dilated his eyes in the waiting room, and then called him back to a room a couple of different times, before actually seeing a doctor.  They check out BOTH eyes as standard procedure on the first visit.   I'll leave out a lot of details for time's sake...After inspecting both eyes and taking notes and dictation, we discover that BOTH eyes have detached retinas.  We were shocked to say the least.  We told the Dr. that he is only having trouble with one eye...the "bad eye" as we call it was 70% detached with some small tears in it as well.  The "good eye" had a lesser detachment with some small tears.  Both eyes need surgery as soon as possible.  The doctor was hopeful that the good eye could be taken care of in the office with a laser procedure, but the bad eye would need full invasive surgery that would require hubby to be face down, head down for at least 2 weeks and off work 4-6 weeks. 

Wednesday, September 27--Still in complete shock, we go for the laser surgery in the good eye.  The visit lasts approximately 3 hours.  They bring me back to the room after the surgery to tell us that the surgery was NOT successful and he will have to undergo the more invasive surgery on this eye as well...as soon as the bad eye heals from it's surgery.  We were very disappointed, yet still in shock. We headed to Grant's football game as it would be the last one Phil would be able to attend this year.

Thursday, September 28--We go for the full invasive surgery in the late afternoon.  They tell me the surgery will last for 1 1/2 hours.  After 2 1/2 hours I'm pacing the room worrying.  Finally he comes in to tell me that it was a much more difficult surgery than he thought and it was a very tough fix, but that it did indeed go well. We got home about 12:45 AM and had to be back at the doctor for post op at 8:30.  It was a rough night of sleep for us both with Phil having pain and having to be face down.

Friday, September 29--Post op appointment went well and we go home and sleep!!!  I left Phil alone to go to Brock's football game...and was so nervous leaving him with one eye ;)

The next 2 weeks appointments--Twice a week appointments (with my dad driving him--thankfully), drops 4 times a day (I come home at lunch to do drops) and still face down.  We found out some more challenging news.  The full surgery did not completely re-attach the retina.  It is still 10% detached.  He has a change in eye drops, and additional exercises to do to try to help the attachment "take" and close up.

This week, Tuesday, October 17--the exercises have worked and it is very likely that his "bad eye" is going to heal up nicely and not need additional surgery.  After 3 weeks, he is STILL face down 22+ hours a day.  He is staying positive, but it is hard to be face down and basically miss out on life with us.  We go again on Friday to make sure that the bad eye is indeed reattaching properly and at that point will begin this whole process on the "good eye"!  Goodness!!!!

Honestly, if we hadn't waited 6 weeks to see the specialist, the story may have been different.  The detachment less severe or maybe only torn and major surgery prevented.  But we can't go back and have that hindsight.  For whatever reason, it was missed in BOTH eyes and we don't know why...but it was.  It is what it is, so we move forward and deal with the cards we were dealt.  We are hopeful and feeling good about the end results...it's just a long road to get there.

My hubby is a very private person, so I haven't posted "formally" about our challenges in the last 9 weeks.  I've been meaning to blog, because writing it out is so very therapeutic for me, but honestly haven't had the energy or the time...So that's us for the last 9 weeks.  The last 3 weeks have been stressful, emotional, exhausting, overwhelming, scary, etc...And although this post is mostly the facts and basics of what is happening...We have seen God work in amazing ways.  He has been present and provided for us each step of the way...emotionally, spiritually, physically, financially, etc. 

I will try to post updates here for those that are interested.  From now on, the updates should be shorter.  I should've started blogging 3 weeks ago, huh??? :)

Be More Bob!

Yesterday, I had the privilege of speaking at a memorial/dedication service for Bob Pickell at school.  We dedicated "buddy benches" in his honor and also a tree that was planted in his memory.  The following is the speech I read to the students of Webster School and community members.  I miss you Bob!  

I had the privilege of knowing Mr. Pickell for nearly 30 years. I was lucky enough to have him as a teacher in grades 6-12, a mentor throughout my teaching career, and so very lucky to also call him friend.  In trying to figure out what to say today, my mind was flooded with memories that I could share. There aren’t enough words or memories to share exactly what Mr. Pickell meant to me. But I came up with a few words that I think describe Mr. Pickell and the influence he had on all of us.

First, he was passionate.  He believed in what he did and did it every day filled with passion. Filled with a purpose of sharing with others in all kinds of ways.  It doesn’t matter how you knew him,  or even how well you knew him…you knew what he was passionate about. About teaching, about music, about life, about his Ball State Cardinals, about his family.  He poured that passion into all of us.

He was fun-loving. I bet everyone here remembers his smile and his big hearty laugh, am I right?  He loved to laugh, tease, make “punny” jokes, smile, laugh some more.  Even in the midst of a serious discussion or topic, he would find something to laugh at or even get that little smirk on his face and twinkle in his eye that made others laugh.  That’s one of the things I miss the most. He didn’t take life seriously all of the time. He embraced it and enjoyed it.  

He was generous. With his time, his talents, his expertise. Not because he wanted to be recognized or to look good, but because it’s who he was.  He collected pop tabs for Riley’s, plastic caps here at Webster, lent a hand wherever he was needed...  Served on committees, attended meetings on his own time…Why? For the betterment of others.  Not for himself…He gave and he gave and he gave of himself…to his students, the community, his schools, his friends, his family.  

He was a coffee-drinker.  I know that’s not a normal character trait, but I simply had to put it in there…he LOVED. HIS. COFFEE.  I remember as far back as jr. high seeing coffee mug rings on papers on his desk.  He would fill and refill and refill his coffee all day long.  Every time we met at school he would ask me if I wanted coffee.  I love coffee…I really do, but not all day every day.  So you see, it is a trait of his :)

He was kind.  Kind doesn’t really explain it all though does it?  He was a special KIND of kind. He didn’t know a stranger.  He befriended the friendless.  He sought out those that needed a friendly face.  He came along-side kids and adults of all shapes, sizes and backgrounds.  He loved people. He had a way of making you feel special and loved, just by being around him. Life was just better when Bob was around. 

I’m proud to say that I teach music and have followed in his footsteps.  I’m honored to continue his legacy.  My challenge to each of us, including myself, is to not just remember Mr. Pickell and his awesome qualities but to strive to be like Mr. Pickell (well, maybe all but the coffee-drinking :)).  When you see these benches and the tree that is planted, may we remember how he made us laugh and smile. How he cared. And then strive to be like him. Let Mr. Pickell’s legacy live on in each one of us and never forget the impact he had on our lives.  To be kind, generous, fun-loving and passionate about life and about others.  Be more Bob.

25 years without her...

If you know me, you know that I am a "dates" person.  I remember dates...birthdays, anniversaries, special moments, anniversaries of events, etc...I don't know why but I do.  They are important to me for some reason and I have no idea why.  The first week of May is full of "dates" that I remember vividly and each year I think...I'm not going to remember every detail, yet every year I do.  25 years later and I still do.  Sunday I woke up and remembered that 25 years ago I was playing a tennis meet at Bremen that day and my friend Kiara came to watch with my mom.  I can even remember what she was wearing.  Monday, I remembered that I cancelled plans with Kiara because my Grandpa had a heart attack and was in the hospital so I went to see him. I remember the words Kiara said to me as we hung up the phone that evening.  This morning I woke up and despite trying NOT to remember, remembered that 25 years ago I was preparing to take the SAT, and go to tennis practice where I broke the strings on my racket.  I remember that later on I went to the drive-in movie with my boyfriend to see a movie I still can't stand to this day (likely because of the events, not the movie maybe).  I remember coming home that night and watching Saturday Night Live before going to bed. And I remember the sound of the phone ringing, that awful sound that changed me forever. I remember knowing something wasn't right before the words even came out of my parent's mouths.  And I remember them telling me that the phone call was Kiara's parents...from there I knew...I remember the pain...feeling like I was being tortured and everything else being a fog.  I remember a sweet friend arriving on my doorstep early to be sure I knew.  Going to church and slipping out the back with a friend because I just couldn't sit there.  Going to the school to grieve with my Crimson Connection family (show choir)....and I could go on for the rest of the week and even months from there.  It is vivid. The days leading up to Kiara's death and the time in the weeks after are a blur, yet so vivid all at the same time.

And now...25 years later...I still miss her.  Long to hear her voice, her laugh, see her beautiful smile, feel her awesome hugs.  I still hurt.  Somehow I thought a milestone like 25 years would mean that the hurt would fade away, that I would pause to remember with a smile and then move on.  I was wrong.  And even though her actual date of death is May 3, this day, May 2 is always so hard for me...it was her last day on earth.  25 years.  I keep saying that, because for one it makes me realize how old I am, but also because it feels like such a short time ago.   The hurt doesn't go away...I'm realizing that.  It has changed, but I think this week will always be hard for me...I will always remember and grieve and miss her.

I feel cheated in a lot of ways.  We had PLANS!!!!  We were going to go to college, become music teachers and raise our kids as friends...Its interesting to read through some of our notes (we didn't text back then!!!) and see that we had talked about life separated.  She was going off to college in Colorado and I had one more year of high school.  We began preparing for that...funny now that God was preparing much differently.  But even though I feel cheated in ways...I feel so incredibly blessed to have known Kiara.  To sing with her, laugh with her, roll our eyes together, hug her, get kicked out of Burger King together, sing Reba on the way to school together, write notes to her and get them from her, to have fought with her because that brought us closer, to share secrets and dreams together, to laugh with her (yes I know I said that, but we laughed a lot), do our hair together, talk about boys (no names mentioned here) and to be loved by her because she loved passionately and to share our love of God with each other.  There is so much that I have gained from knowing her, loving her, being loved by her and throughout this journey of grief. I would  give up much to have her back...I still think of her every day, every time I say my own daughter's name.  But tonight I'm thankful that I knew her, that I can remember, that I was blessed that God allowed me a short time with her.  I could write so much and share so much of what I have learned and how I've grown in my faith and such.  But tonight, I just want to remember her, grieve for her, smile and laugh at the memories and just BE.  Thank you for allowing me to do that.
Kiki, Kiara Joy, Kiara, Ki---I'll love you forever and then some.  So thankful to know that you are rejoicing in heaven and watching over me...I'll never forget or stop missing you.

Celebrating, a year later

I have an affinity to dates.  I remember dates of birthdays, anniversaries, key moments in life.  When I say I remember, I'm not kidding.  I can tell you dates of elementary school friends birthdays that I haven't talked to in forever....it's a weird thing, because often I can't remember what the actual date of TODAY is, but can tell you a zillion other "important" dates.
So, it was no surprise to me that I have been anticipating February 25 for weeks now...If you know me and have followed my journey, you know that I suffered from neck pain for 12+ years and we couldn't figure out what was wrong or how to fix it.  If you want details of all of that, just go back through my plethora of posts over the years to see everything I have tried in order to find healing, from drinking clay, to crazy diets, to shots, to acupuncture, to mental imagery, to nose surgery, mouth appliances...it is an incredibly long list.  BUT, last year on February 25 I had my last procedure done.  I had a doctor (Dr. K) that would NOT give up on me.  He believed me in my pain and wouldn't rest until he had tried everything he could think of to heal me. It all happened by chance that he had a patient have a procedure done for different reasons and resulted in the release of her neck pain.  A week later, I had a checkup with him and he was so excited to see me and tell me about it.  Within another week, on February 25, 2016 (a very snowy Thursday)...I was having the same procedure where they would "un-tie" my tongue.  The healing release was nearly immediate, although it took weeks for me to tell people as I was scared I would jinx it and the pain would return.  Looking back a year later, I am in awe of the journey God took me on in the 12+ years of pain.  As I sat yesterday reflecting, I was going over in my mind the whole timeline of that day...what I was doing, when I was actually sitting in the chair, the emotions that I felt, the after-tongue-tie appointment with the therapist the same day....It brought me such joy to say, a year ago at this very moment, I was having surgery on my tongue and saying goodbye to pain. Thank you Jesus!
It's a year out now.  I have been mostly pain free for an entire year.  An entire year.  Just a couple months before this surgery I was praying and asking God to help me be "okay" with not being healed and to help me find a way to live with the pain for always.  So what's been happening?
I feel GREAT!  I'm rebuilding strength still in my upper body, after babying it for 12+ years.  I feel a little stronger every week.  I'm doing workouts that a year or two ago, I NEVER would have been able to do.  I have energy left at the end of the day.  It used to be that I would "survive" the day and then after faking it all day long with my students I had NOTHING left to give my family, no patience, no energy, just grouchiness and the desire to just be done and lay down.  NOW???? I come home with a smile (mostly, haha), and energy left to give my family.  I don't fall into bed at night praying I can sleep through the pain.  I don't take or rely on tylenol every day...You guys, I helped keep the company in business for 12 years...I'm worried they aren't making money anymore without me! HA!!!  I work out and push myself to be a better, stronger me. I'm a happier person.
I've said before that although this journey was awful at times and I didn't know how to take the next step or how I would make it through a day...I wouldn't change a thing.  God grew me, drew me to him, made me question Him and dig deeper into what I believed.  I had to live out my faith.  It was no longer just something I said I believed, I had to believe it to my core, or I couldn't have made it through.  How do people do life without Jesus???  I don't know.  But those 12+ years are crucial to my faith and where it is at today...This past year has been pivotal as well...I get up and am daily thankful for health and healing.  There are days, like last weekend when I ran 2 miles (I am sooo not a runner) and it was nearly my fastest 2 miles in my adult life, where I cried up the drive way because I was giving all praise and glory to Jesus for the healing and the ability to rebuild myself.
The last year has been good...better than good...I am blessed.  Forever, February 25 will be a day that I celebrate... that I am thankful... that I think of my journey... that I reflect on God's goodness and faithfulness...that I remind myself of how far I have come in my journey with Christ and in life.  It may not be a special day to you, and according to the calendar it is just another day...but to me...It is a date that I cherish and celebrate greatly!  Thank you Jesus for a great first year of being healed...here's to many more!