The Show Must Go On

I'm sitting here tonight on the eve of my very first concert at my new schools.  This is my 19th year of teaching...I've done A LOT of concerts...this is not a new experience for me, yet it is a first at my new schools, so I'm nervous....about what parents, teachers, colleagues, administrators will think. Like I said, this is not new to me but this year is different.  So. Very. Different.
You may know that when I decided to switch schools this year, I was taking the place of a retiring teacher in our district.  He was my teacher from grades 6-12, my mentor as I grew into the teaching profession, my colleague, and had grown to be my close friend. He was excited to be retiring and excited that I would be taking his place and assured me that he would help me this first year to figure things out.  That was simply not to be.  On July 1, Bob had an accident at his home and passed away later that day, just one month into retirement.  I have a whole different blog post in my mind that I want to write about him and honor him but tonight on the eve of my first concert in these buildings, my heart is a bit heavy.  I've got emotions running all over the place.  I'm excited like I always am for a concert, yet the expectation and pressure to "live up to Bob" is pressing in and I'm anxious and nervous.  You see, Bob was loved.  REALLY loved.  The kids loved him.  The parents loved him.  The staff loved him.  I loved him. Dearly.  His personality was dynamic and drew people to him...now with him gone I feel this pressure to live up to him.  I have realized that the pressure is mostly put on me by ME.  Not others.  I don't hear people saying things to make me feel like they have these expectations or that they are waiting for me to prove myself...but I have put that on myself.  It seems so important for me to put on a concert that would make him proud of me.  But the really crazy thing?  I already KNOW he is proud of me.  He supported me 100% and was excited for me to be the one to take over for him.  He told me he was proud of me.  He told the students ahead of time how I would do a great job and they would love me.  So why do I feel this pressure?  Why?  I'm not really sure.  He told me at one of our last school meetings that he wanted me to come in and make it my own, to not just do the things that he did, unless I wanted to.  So, I KNOW he truly wanted me to do that.  That is what I have done.  I think what I wrestle with in this is that I don't get to hear it from him after the concert.  He won't send me a text telling me to "Break a leg kiddo", like he did each concert in past years. I won't be able to share funny stories of mishaps and silly mistakes that occur.   I know that if Bob were still alive he would've come to some of the concerts this year and I can even hear the words he would say to me at the end of the concert..."Great job kiddo!  I knew you'd do great!"  I guess what I need to remember is that I don't have to "Live up to Bob", I just need to honor him in living up to myself.  So as I go out to lead the students in my concert tomorrow night and again next week in my other building, I need to have fun, enjoy the kids, take it all in stride and know that Bob is smiling down on me, proud of me and rooting for me.  I miss him.  Terribly.  But as he would also tell me, "The show must go on."  And it will...

No longer tongue-tied

Okay...oops!  It's been 5 months since my last post when I was preparing for a minor tongue surgery to "un-tie" my tongue.  The brief recap for a reminder was that my doctor had someone that had her tongue untied and it resulted in the disappearance of neck pain...after 12 1/2 years and trying some VERY bizarre things, I decided to go for it and have the surgery.  It wouldn't hurt me in any way, so there was really nothing to lose.  So, back on February 25, on a very snowy day, I headed north for the surgery.  The actual surgery was very quick...the numbing took the longest while he waited to be sure I was numb.  I sat nervously in the chair praying that this would be "it", that it wouldn't hurt, that my singing/speech wouldn't be effected, that God would give me strength and peace no matter what the outcome.  Once he started it took only about 5-7 minutes and was uncomfortable but not necessarily painful.  Before hand he had told me that some patients have immediate relief and others it was a gradual decline...we all know what I was hoping for.  As I sat up and moved around a little bit I kept telling myself not to be too hopeful, to just stay calm and wait and see.  They asked me if I wanted to see it and I said no because I just couldn't imagine what it would look like and was already feeling a bit queasy.  But I only got to the car before pulling down the visor to take a look.  This is what I saw...

I thought...Oh my word, I have a hole in my tongue!!!  It looked so bizarre to me!  I had to go to the tongue therapist an hour and a half later and I couldn't stop moving my tongue all around to see how far it would move.  The therapist worked with me and gave me exercises to do 3 times per day so that it didn't heal closed again.  I did my exercises religiously.  So the next week people asked me over and over and over and...you get the idea...if it had helped or not and I kept saying that it was too soon to tell.  After a week, I sat the hubby down and broke the news to him...I was almost COMPLETELY PAIN FREE!!!!  Shut the front door, right?  In fact, I had been nearly pain free from the moment of the surgery, but I kept thinking that it was just the placebo effect and waiting for the pain to return.
Two weeks after surgery I woke up and was back up to a level 5 or 6 of pain and just bawled...how could this be happening?  I had my check up from the surgery that week and my main doctor happened to walk by and spotted me in there so he stopped to give me a quick exam and see how I was.  I told him I had been nearly pain free for 2 weeks, but then it had come back the past weekend.  He assured me it could just be a set back and also asked if I had a cold or any other sickness symptoms.  I did not and he told me it wouldn't surprise him if I got sick within the next few days.  He explained that any infection or illness is going to start at the weakest area of my body every time, so my neck may be the first to feel any illness for years to come. Would you believe I was in bed sick the entire weekend that weekend???  And every day after that the pain lessened until I was back to nearly pain free.  Not joking at all, ya'll!!!
Since the surgery I have had several times of those short set-backs and it lasts a couple days before easing up again.  You guys...I have been nearly pain free for 5 months now!!!!  I can't even tell you what that feels like after 12 1/2 years of pain.  My energy level skyrocketed.  I got very silly and happy both at school and home.  Students asked me if I had more coffee than normal because I was in such a good mood and extra crazy!  Before we told my kids, they too asked why I was so happy.  Just 1 1/2 months after the surgery I began running again...not far and not fast but I was running twice a week! (Since had to take a break due to a hip issue...but it wasn't because of my neck!!!!) 
I know this all sounds crazy, right?  I know but seriously this is real and I feel awesome!   There are so many details I could give that would amaze you in my progress and abilities now, but I have to stop and just give complete glory to God in this.  My doctor apologized that it took him so long to think of this as I'd been seeing him for over 2 year.  I teared up and told him I wouldn't change a thing.  And I really wouldn't...every low point, had a purpose and God revealed Himself to me...my relationship with God grew in leaps and bounds that wouldn't have happened if I had been healthy...my story of faith and reliance on God could not be shared without every single step of this 12 1/2 years.  God is so faithful you guys...so incredibly faithful.  He didn't leave me for a second.  His hand was on me the entire time.
Now...what's ironic and so like God...in January I was at a women's IF:gathering conference at our church.  To make a long story short, at the end of the conference we were to write down what we felt God telling us to DO...I stood in front and said that I thought He wanted me to tell my story.  I don't remember my exact words, but the essence was I felt He wanted to loosen my tongue so be able to speak boldly about his awesomeness in this journey and how he has been revealed to me...I said I had no idea how I would do that (I have thoughts on that, but for a different post).  Isn't it ironic that what healed me AFTER I shared what He was telling me to do, and the healing came through un-tying my tongue...essentially loosening my tongue to tell my story.  Jesus, may I never be tongue-tied in telling of your grace, love, strength and mercy.  Thank you Jesus, for healing, for health, but most of all for the journey...because without it, I would not be who I am today. Amen.

Tongue Tied?

Hi everyone!  Remember me? It has been exactly 6 months to the day since I last posted.  In the past 6 months, I have been going to weekly at first and now bi-weekly appointments to a cranial-sacral therapist and chiropractor.  The ultra-simplified explanation of what cranial-sacral therapy is:  Our spinal cord is surrounded by fluid in an elastic-y encasement.  At times after an injury, this encasement can be bound up and can't reshape on it's own.  The therapy is a retraining of this encasement that takes time to get back to normal, stretching fully.  That is way too simple of an explanation but it would take me paragraphs to explain it better.  She also does some massage and trigger point therapy on problem areas of my muscular structure.  So the short of it...I'm making progress in  the releases and retraining, but I am not noticing a particular difference in my pain levels.  The chiropractor works along side this therapist and that is not going the greatest.  The past few times I have felt more pain in the days after those appointments.

Last week, I went back to my main doctor, Dr. K, for a 6 month check up of the jaw areas and appliance usage. (I still wear a nightly appliance.)  As he did his normal check up and chatted with me to find that I haven't had the pain decrease he had hoped with cranial sacral therapy.  In fact, in the last month or so, I've been having more 5-6 pain level days than before.  I typically hang out at the 4 area with a few 3 days thrown in.  He then starts examining the inside of my mouth, in particular my tongue and how it moves, etc.  He told me that I am "tongue-tied" and that he wonders if they untie it (snip the underneath part of my tongue where it connects to the bottom of the mouth--a frenectomy) if that would help.  I had to have had a dumbfounded look on my face!!!  He proceeded to tell me of a case that he had where they did this procedure on someone and when she came in for a check up stated that the neck pain she had been experiencing was completely gone (this was not her initial reason for the procedure).  He then got his associate to come look at me without giving him any information on my neck.  Dr. K told me that he didn't think he was just grasping at straws to help me, but he wanted to get a 2nd opinion so that he was sure he was being objective. The second dentist agreed that my tongue was indeed tied too tightly and asked me a lot of questions.  Finally, we told him a little of my story and without hesitation he said "I think you need to do this."  My head was spinning.  I asked a few more questions, they gave me some more examples of those that had been helped greatly with this procedure.  Before I left the office I had hand-outs, an appointment for it scheduled with the stipulation that I would do my own research and talk to my hubby about it, and the phone number of a "mouth therapist" that I will need to see prior to and after the procedure.

So, one week later, I'm getting ready for a minor surgical procedure tomorrow (Thursday, February 25)!!  I met with the therapist on Tuesday night and have exercises that I'm learning to do.  I meet with her again after the surgery tomorrow as well (weather allowing).  She told me of a couple cases she has seen where pain has left  as soon as the procedure is done.  If I'm honest...I'm scared.  Of so many things.  Scared to have it done (who enjoys surgery). Scared of having hope that it will work.  Scared of the disappointment that will come if it doesn't work.  Scared of having faith that this is what God is going to use to cure me.  Scared of NOT having faith that God has sent this to me.  I have tried so many things.  So many things and so many doctors.  Could it really come down to un-tying my tongue???  Crazy right?  Yet, even in my fear, which I know is NOT of God...God has presented himself to me so well...a devotional that smacked me in the eyes about how God provides in his timing, texts from a couple different friends that were exactly what I needed to hear, scripture that speaks to me, facebook posts that hit where I need them to.  He is simply amazing, isn't He?  And so, as I face this fear and this procedure, I'm trusting in His promise to never leave me or forsake me...and I know that whether I am elated or disappointed, that He still stands and will not leave me for a second.  So, I will praise Him and trust Him, even if I don't like the answer.
The next post should just flow off my tongue, right?  I mean, I definitely won't be tongue tied any more! HA!