A Word That's Thrown Around

This is the time of year when the word THANKFUL is thrown around a lot.  We are reminding ourselves and others to be grateful for what we have in the spirit of Thanksgiving.  I have been pondering some things the past week or so and figure it's time to write it out...

I promise there's  a point to all of this...bear with me.

I have found myself in the past couple of weeks feeling like things go unnoticed and simply taken for granted.  I have found myself in a few pity parties for myself because others didn't recognize me or show any appreciation.  I'm not going to go into specifics because 1. I don't want to point fingers at people or make them feel like they need to say something to me and 2. I have a greater purpose in this.  I've noticed it's really easy to say thank you for little things...things that are small but out of the ordinary.  For example,
  *Someone holds the door for you. "Thank you"
  *Someone brings you flowers or a treat. "Thank you so much. This made my day."
  *A colleague stands with your class a minute so you can go to the bathroom. "Thanks, I wasn't going to make it one more class!"
  *Someone says "Your hair looks great today!"  "Awwww, thanks I tried something different!"

But you know when it gets to be harder?  When it's the bigger things.  Or the things that we work hard for.  Or the things we have put our hearts into and they go unnoticed (seemingly) and it hurts. Or the things that are simply EXPECTED of us. Examples:
  *You work long hours to complete a project and make it just right...crickets...
  *You get all the laundry done and put away on the same day (WHAT???)...nothing
  *The special meal is made, the table set, and no one wants what you made....whining
  *You go above and beyond in your job...crickets...or worse, credit/thanks goes to someone else.
  *Fill in the blank....
I bet you can come up with your own.  Times that a simple thank you and I appreciate you would have gone a long way...would have made it worth it...would have made it seem like you mattered.
I've been there and I'm pretty sure every one of us has.  Why do we find it so hard to simply notice things and say a kind word?  And why is it so important to me (us) that we are acknowledged...why can't what we do be enough?  This statement may seem odd but I think I'm normal in saying it...I don't do my work, or my duties, or my kindnesses IN ORDER to be thanked...I really don't.  I do them because of who I am and I want to do those things and do them well...and I wish that was truly enough, but darn it...sometimes it's sure nice to know someone cares or notices.  I'm as bad at it as anyone else, so I am not pointing fingers....(well, I'd like to, but this next part that hit me kind of keeps me from doing it!)
So, as I'm driving tonight and trying to let some things go through prayer...I felt a gentle whisper and boy did it smack me in the face...I felt God saying...."you want to be appreciated, yet you are human and so flawed.....how often do you stop to thank ME for the little or the big things that I'm doing in your life?"  OUCH.  I started thinking and it brought tears to my eyes.  I pray and thank Jesus daily, but do I REALLY thank Him for the things He deserves to be thanked for?  Sometimes maybe...but how much do I MISS and I "forget" to thank Him for, or I take it for granted...or I assume He should be doing something, so why do I need to thank Him...it's His JOB to take care of me after all...Wow...are you still with me?  Here I am belly-aching because I'm feeling unappreciated for things that I do...and Jesus is still lovingly holding me near to Him when I brush right past all He does for me every day....besides the fact that He DIED for me...for you...for each of us so that we could have life and we don't deserve it!  And I'm whining????? 

Do I think that means that my feelings are invalid? No. Do I think it is important to say thank you and make people feel good?  Absolutely.  Do I still crave that approval of others and need to know I matter? Yes, if I'm honest.  BUT...I also am reminded that I need to be thankful, grateful and appreciate the blessings that God sends my way EVERY.SINGLE.DAY.  Everything from a sunrise, to gorgeous snowflakes falling, to a warm bed to sleep in, to a friend to text, to safety in traveling, protection from the enemy, for walking beside me daily, for loving me through my selfishness and unlovable-ness, and most of all for the GRACE and MERCY He has bestowed on me, by loving me, sending His Son to die for me, and knowing He watches over me every step of the way. 

So...this is my round about way of encouraging you to be thankful...not just during the month of November...not just for little things...not just for big things...spread your thankfulness around to others.  But start...with Jesus.

Swirling Hot Mess

I'm a hot mess tonight...some might argue I'm a hot mess EVERY day...BUT, tonight and probably tomorrow, I'm truly a hot mess.  Tomorrow is a big day and a BIG day in multiple ways...So here are a few reasons for my hot mess-ness.

1.  My BABY girl, my last-born will be 10. Double digits you guys.  Seriously?  How did that even happen.  I blinked and she hit double digits.  Tonight we cuddled up and watched some tv together tonight and just chatted.  She is so grown up, yet she is still my baby girl and loves spending time with me (mostly).  I remember the boys hitting 10 and it made my breath catch, but the last child seems to be such a milestone and I can't believe how quickly it has gone.  She came out making lots of noise and that hasn't stopped.  She talks (non-stop), sings, plays, talks to herself, pretends to vlog and is the spunkiest girl I know.  I love her with my whole heart and I've seen her grow in leaps and bounds this year. I take comfort knowing that she accepts she will always be my baby and seems to enjoy that.

2. My oldest 'baby' goes to his very last day of high school.  The last time we will stand on the front porch and take last day or first day pics as a whole group.  A tradition we've had for 15 years (starting in preschool). The last time I send my boys off to school together in the morning. The last "Good Luck on finals today" (at least in person...I'm sure I'll call/text him that in college).  I'm so incredibly proud of this oldest child of mine.  I look at him and my heart swells.  I don't think he has any idea how proud I am or how much I love him.  And I'm so incredibly excited for his future and all it holds...I really am. I also know that this is God's design...to raise our children up in the Lord and guide them to follow Christ and follow the path God has for them. But listen to me when I say that it is H.A.R.D.  My heart is bursting in love and pride for him and at the same time breaking in two that we have come to this season of life.  As much as I want to hold tightly to him...I know that my grip loosens every day, as I TRY to hand him over to God. 

*Side note--I had to stop, dry my tears and breathe before finishing this blog...*

3. Each year I say goodbye to a group of students...all of my 4th graders.  I am so blessed that I have kids all the way through elementary school and I love building those relationships with kids and teaching them more and more. But man, I get attached to the kids and hate to see them go.  Again...I know it's time. They are ready. They will move on and forget about me...but I never forget them.  Since this is only the 2nd year in my current buildings, I've only been with this group for 2 years...but we also have a special bond that we share.  A bond of grief over losing their former teacher and my colleague/friend. These kids have made me laugh, made me cry and want to pull my hair out...but I love them.  They will always be my kids.  Always.

4. This isn't really a cause tonight, but while I'm being sappy and a mess...my middle child turned 16 and will get his driver's license this summer?  WHAT the WHAT??? 

5. I've been sorting pictures for graduation open house and seeing my kids grow up in pictures...it goes so fast.  Don't blink.  Moms of littles...DON'T BLINK.  Enjoy every moment.

So...I'll dry my tears. Put on my big girl panties. And I will embrace tomorrow with all of the emotions that come with it.  I will celebrate my daughter, my sons, my students. And I will know deep in my heart that my kids will always be my babies and my students will always be "my kids".

Letter to our Burglar...a Year Later

You may know of my affinity to dates.  March 6, 2017 was a date that I won’t soon forget.  I didn’t publicize it on social media, but I didn’t hide it from people at all either.  It R.O.C.K.E.D. my world, my family’s world.  Hubby called at lunch to tell me that our house had been broken into and the police were on their way.  I won’t go into all of the details here, as it’s not the purpose of this blog for me.  Perhaps, I’ll tell the story soon in a different blog.  Some of our belongings were recovered a short 24 hours later.  Some have never been returned.  Within 48 hours there was an ID of the burglar, but it was a couple of months later before an arrest was made and we believe he was back in our house at one point, and was going to come back a 3rd time but our neighbor’s landscaper scared him off as he came up our driveway.  But again…none of that is the point of this blog.

Two weeks ago we finally heard from the Prosecutor’s office that our “guy” had been sentenced.  He has remained in jail since his arrest last May and he was sentenced to 6 years in prison (no credit for time served).  The judge gave him a bit longer of a sentence instead of ordering restitution for our belongings, as he didn’t feel that we would ever get the money back from him.  I got the call standing in Walmart. I smiled. I was thankful.  I was relieved.  I cried.  It is over, right?  But it’s not in some ways.  We’ll never get our belongings back, but the emotional “theft” he took from our family has been the hardest.  I chose not to go to court to be there for the sentencing. But part of me wanted him to look me in the eye and tell him what he really stole from us that day.  So, finally, the point of my blog…the following is my letter to our “guy”.  I won’t use his name, however trust me…I will never forget it…But here is some of what I would say to him if I had the chance….

Dear Mr. Burglar,

A year ago you kicked in our door, walked through my house, stole things from my CHILDREN and myself. Rifled through my jewelry box and who knows what else you touched or went through.  You were only in my house a few minutes most likely, but you changed our lives FOREVER.  You rocked my family to it’s core.  As I arrived home after school and had to meet my children at the door and make them wait outside while I walked through the house with a baseball bat to make sure no one was there, you continued stealing from us.  It didn’t stop with the “things” that you took. You took so much more than “things”.  

• You stole our sense of security. We no longer felt safe in our own home…every noise was cause for  panic…we didn’t want to be there…worrying that you would come back while we were there…wondering when you might come again.  I remember being sick and not wanting to stay home because I was worried you would come back. We would lie awake at night just in case… We were fearful in OUR own home.  Our home…not yours.  You had no right to take that.
• You stole our feeling of safety. My kids did not ever want to stay alone or arrive home if their dad or I wasn’t there…Having my husband and my son sleeping with a bat just to be able to sleep…having to search the house every day looking for signs that you might have been there again…checking and re-checking locks over and over (almost compulsively)…hearing the doorbell and jumping…wanting to be all in the same room so we knew where everyone was and that they were safe. Leaving a light on 24/7 so it was never dark in the house.
• You stole our ability to simply walk in and sit down. Every time we arrived home we would search the house with a bat before all entering and settling into our routine for the night. Opening and closing closet doors, looking behind doors, looking around the garage…Coming home became a dreaded time as we were flooded with a new routine.  A routine of being fearful and insecure.  
• You stole our ability to sleep through the night. Every sound, every creak, honking horn, loud car driving by, lights of cars shining through the window, made us sit up and strain to listen.  Made us get up to check on the kids.  
• You stole my ability to put on my jewelry every morning because I didn’t even want to touch my jewelry box, because I knew that your hands had touched it all.  I would have to wash my hands after touching any of it because I felt you there when I would even look at it.   
• You stole our money…not actual money…but money that we hadn’t planned on spending that we were saving for other things and had to use on replacing two doors that you broke through and putting in a security system so that we could actually feel comfortable sleeping at night, as well as leaving during the day. 
• You stole our belongings. You took jewelry that had not just monetary value, but so much more than that, it had emotional value.  My mom’s class ring that she gave me to wear, my own class ring that I would’ve given to my daughter some day, rings that were given to me at special times of my life.  They are irreplaceable.  

You say that you “don’t remember” doing it and probably think that your time in jail is unjust.  But I remember it.  My husband remembers.  My children remember.  We have not forgotten, nor will we ever.  The fear has faded because we serve a God that casts out fear…but we will never forget how this made us feel or the stress we went through. You can’t take away our faith (thank you Jesus).  We are stronger in our faith and stronger as a family because of you.  So for that I thank you.  I also pray for you…that you would find Jesus. That you would seek HIS forgiveness. That you would turn your life around and do something good. Something to build others up instead of tearing them down. You have time…use it wisely.  You stole a lot that day…and most of it wasn’t material things.  I pray that you never feel the need to steal these things from others ever again.  Because you can’t give them back…ever…no matter how long you serve in jail.  I leave you with this…

Numbers 6:24-26 New International Version (NIV)

24 

“‘“The Lord bless you

    and keep you;

25 

the Lord make his face shine on you

    and be gracious to you;

26 

the Lord turn his face toward you

    and give you peace.”’