Add an ER visit to the mix of my life...

Lots has happened since my last post...only 14 days have past but it has been eventful...baby girl's ear infection with lack of sleep, chest pains and an ER visit, a trip back to my main Dr for my neck, a surprise birthday dinner outing, a 40th birthday, both boys starting their football seasons, (one at high school JV and one at Jr. high) and more appointments scheduled.  I guess I'll go in order and tackle (smile) each event as it unfolded in several different posts.
The very night of the last neck update post (Aug 10), I was exhausted and finally falling into bed at 10:15.  I did devotions and had just shut out my light when I hear K-Bug screaming in her room.  I ran in to find her crying in pain because her ear hurt.  Poor thing was miserable and just cried and wimpered.  I rubbed her back for 1/2 hour after giving her Motrin and texting my mom to see if she could watch her the next day.  She slept until about 1:00 AM and then was up quite a bit needing us to rub her back and "be" there with her.  My mom arrived in the morning to watch her for the day and I was off to school with the promise of calling for an appointment for the pediatrician.  When I had woken up that morning, I sat up and had pains shooting in my chest right away, but I just figured I slept wrong or something.  As the morning went on and I got an appointment scheduled for K's ear, the pain in my chest seemed to get worse.  On my morning prep time I had the nurse take my blood pressure and it showed up as normal, but elevated from my "normal".  She told me I should call my doctor and see if I could get in for a check-up.  As I called the doctor to set something up, she asked what was prompting the call and I told her I was having some chest pains.  She immediately got the doctor and they asked me to go to the ER.  Now, until she told me this, I was SURE that there wasn't anything really wrong with me.  But someone telling you that you need to go the ER is a quick way to get the blood pumping and the anxiety flowing.  I went to find my principal and in the process had two sweet school friends swoop in and escort me to the ER.  One drove separate and one drove my car...I have to laugh now.  She was telling me to breathe in and out, lay my head back and relax but then went on to tell me that she was running stop signs and racing to get to the ER. Ha! 
As I walked into the ER, I sat down and started to get out my insurance cards when the lady (a student's mom) asked me what I was there for.  I told her chest pains, upon which immediately nurses raced out and took me straight back to a room, with the doctor hot on their heels.  After examining me, taking vitals and talking with me, the doctor felt that it was probably not heart related.  My sweet friend dropped everything and left work to come be with me at the hospital so my school friends could go back to work...To be sure and to try to figure out what was wrong, a chest x-ray, EKG, a TON of bloodwork, and a nasty drink was ordered to rule things out.  They literally did one test right after another (I've never had such quick service at the ER!!).  All tests came back clear and the heart looked good, along with my esophagus.  Phil came on his lunch and while we waited on bloodwork to come back, the three of us (friend, hubby and me) chatted and kept our minds busy.  Finally the all clear came on the blood work and the doctor shared that she believed that I had strained/pulled cartilage in my sternum area that was causing this pain.  It probably was initially injured during the summer and was dormant for a time before sleeping on it wrong or something else triggered the strain again.  So, she put me on a steroid and muscle relaxers to alleviate the pain.  At this point, I was exhausted from the stress.  In the meantime, my mom had taken Kiara to the doctor, been diagnosed with ear infections and had medicine started.  They had gone to my mom's house for the afternoon to rest, which worked out well, as I went home and went to bed for the entire afternoon.  I still have a little tenderness, but it is MUCH better than it was.  A big shout out to my school family that stepped in to help me, calm me, pray for me and cover my classes with NO sub plans at all...After it was all over, I felt a little silly for going to the ER, but yet I'm so glad that I went and found out that it was nothing...Very thankful for efficient doctors and friends who supported me! 
The rest for another night...

Just Telling the Facts

2 1/2 months since I posted.  So much time has passed that I don't really quite know where to start...
How about an excerpt from my last post:
"They are sending me to Chicago to meet with a specialist in osteopathic and acupuncture medicine (along with a few other things too).  I have done the osteopathic adjustments and acupuncture before with no relief, but I trust this team of doctors and if they want me to do it, I will."
I have now been to that doctor 4 times without relief.  I'm going to pull some snippets of emails that I have written about this process to help me better remember what happened....After the first appointment:
"He believes this is a muscular and ligament issue (which was one of the original diagnoses).  He then proceeded (after full body manipulation) to do Japanese scalp acupuncture, which is not a kind of acupuncture that I have had before. It is all done on the scalp area and the went from the top of my forehead--back even with the top of my ear and down to the ear and back to my face ( a big square). This acupuncture was very different and was quite uncomfortable for me. That whole area of my head is very sore and sensitive tonight. He thinks that he can make significant change in my pain in 4 visits. I feel pretty rough tonight. The drive went well and I felt decent for most of the way home. By the time I got home, I was ready to rest for awhile and I haven't moved much since then. Just really sore, sensitive and exhausted."
The second visit was in downtown Chicago and Phil was able to take me.  They "forgot" my records at their other office and the whole visit did not go well, including the doctor "cracking" my neck, which I am absolutely against, as it has ALWAYS had adverse affects.  My email that day:
" It was an interesting appointment and I'm not feeling great about this step, but we shall see."
I felt significantly worse after this appointment and feel it was due to the cracking.  There was acupuncture, but not in the scalp...this time around the neck area in question.
The 3rd visit...I began by telling his nurse and him that I would NOT be cracked again and my reasons behind it.  He was not on board with this and made it known that he could be doing so much more for me if I allowed it.  I held firm.  It is my body and my journey...I know after nearly 12 years what makes it worse and I'm not going to choose that for myself.  I went home feeling very frustrated.
The 4th visit was just two weeks ago now.  Remember he told me there should be significant improvement after four sessions? I talked to my other docs as I really wanted to cancel this appointment.  They were okay with me cancelling, but Phil and I decided to give it one last chance.  I feel like maybe my doctors had let him know where I was at in the process, because he spent more time with me and tried to explain more of the why's of the process than he did in any other appointment.  He did the Japanese scalp acupuncture again and it really hurt but was not sore after.
All that to say...I have not improved. This step has come to an end.  I have an appointment scheduled next week with this guy, but will cancel it as I don't see the point of continuing to go and pay for care that is not helping me. 
This Thursday, I head back to Dr. K, my main doc...we'll see what he has to say.  I'm tired and weary, but God has shown himself to me...he is leading me in a few things that are whole separate blog posts but He is faithful. He really is. So, I wait on Him and His timing and know that in the process, my story is being written and waiting to be told.
As I skim through this I see that it was a pretty blah, tell-the-facts kind of post.  Sorry for that. I'm in a bit of a low point and overly tired from starting back to school...But knew I couldn't put it off any longer.  If you want to pray...just pray for endurance and Christ's peace to pour over me and that I can be a blessing to others in the midst of my yuckiness.  Thanks for reading...

New plan and another doctor

I should've written this post last month, but I didn't. So, here I sit, trying to remember it all...I went back to my main doc, Dr. K on April 29.  At the previous visit he had put me on a nasal spray to do 5-6 times per day (for more info why, refer to previous post).  Unfortunately this spray did not decrease my pain levels. He had told me that when I came in April if there had not been improvement that he wasn't sure what to do, but that we would sit down as the whole doctor team and myself and do some brainstorming to see if we were missing something.  I had prepared all day for the end of the road speech and had several friends praying for God's perfect peace in my heart. Instead I got something different. He did his full exam and strength testing and told me that everything looks great and that were no areas that needed work.  My jaw is maintaining where it should be and all is good...except that I'm still having lots of pain.  So I think..."here it comes" and take a deep breath.  Instead he told me that he has some new ideas and a brand new plan.  He has been talking to a variety of colleagues about me and without boring you with the details of it all, Dr. K wants to send me to a specialist in Chicago. She is a specialist in CranialSacral Therapy.  This was something I had not heard of before, but he has seen great results with a few other patients who have gone there. I'm not sure I will explain it well here, but inside our bodies we have a lining called fascia (similar to the skin-type lining on ribs that you have to remove before cooking)...During injury it can stretched and mis-aligned and the thought is that it is not moving back to where it needs to go.  It won't retract and remain stable there...so we have  to train it to do that. This is done by slight massage to your head and spinal areas in a very particular fashion.  Yes, it sounds a bit "out there" to me too...but its been 11 1/2 years and I've done crazier things than this!  After going through all of this, he asked me what I was thinking because I was sitting there dazed.  I had just prepared myself for the end of the road speech and he blew me away with a plan instead.  I started crying and told him just that and that I was overwhelmed and wished I had brought someone with me.  He immediately got me set up for a phone conference call with Phil and I the following week so he could explain it all again and we could take notes and ask questions.   He also wants me to go back on zija (the product I took a few years ago and had 7 months with little pain before it stopped working).

Jump ahead....Phil and I "met" with him over the phone to go over it all again and we gave him the go ahead to set up the appointments for me.  A couple of days later, he emailed me and said he had talked with my other doctors and they decided to try something else first.  (That means there is a Plan A and a Plan B!!!)  Instead, they are sending me to Chicago to meet with a specialist in osteopathic and acupuncture medicine (along with a few other things too).  I have done the osteopathic adjustments and acupuncture before with no relief, but I trust this team of doctors and if they want me to do it, I will.  I let him know my concerns, along with concerns of having to go there on a regular basis, which is not real feasible to travel to Chicago all of the time.  I agreed to go to the consultation and go from there. My insurance is not accepted there, so once again the bills will mount.  But, I'm trusting God to provide.  He hasn't failed in that area yet.  So...I head to Chicago on my very first day off of school, Thursday, June 4.  I've never driven to or in Chicago before...that will be a new adventure all in itself! HA!

So...I drink my zija. I wait for my appointment. And I trust that God has a plan even in this, yet another fork in the road. Yet another summer begins with treating my neck...but at least it will be summer and I'll have the time.  At least that's what I am trying to think.  

May 3...23 years later



Anyone who knows me at least relatively well, knows that in high school, my best friend, Kiara Joy was killed in a car accident. I've written about it many times on here and in other places, so tonight isn't a re-telling of that night, what happened, etc...I just need to reflect a little on my journey this year in this last week before the anniversary.  This year the dates all aligned with the same days and so for some reason this year the memories seemed a bit more vivid...even the prom dates lined up the same and as I saw pics last weekend of those going to prom, memories flooded in of that night and the last picture we had taken together.  She went with a group of gals and I went with a boy...but we got pics together as it was her senior prom and we wanted something to remember it by.  Then as the week went on, I would remember little things about those days as well...a silly note that she wrote me, a dumb fight we got into...a tennis match at Bremen on Thursday night that she rode with my mom to watch me at.  I even remember the shirt she was wearing and the sound of her voice cheering me on...Friday I had flashbacks of our last phone conversation that night, the words that I will never forget...As I woke up yesterday I remembered the order of my day 23 years ago...SAT test first thing in the morning, tennis practice where I broke a string, the drive in movie that I went to that night (and hated the dumb movie and was freezing the whole time).  As I went to bed last night, I remembered going to bed that night, having no idea my life would never be the same.  Through a series of events (which is a whole different post), I was not sleeping last night and I watched the clock move past the time of the accident, past the time of her death and reach the time of the phone call that we got from her parents in the middle of the night from the hospital.  My stomach hurt, my heart broke all over again and I just stared at her picture that I had just posted on facebook.  It felt so fresh and real all over again.  I didn't sleep much last night and when I woke was flooded again with memories of that day 23 years ago...a visit from a friend and her mom to be sure we knew, a stop at another friends house to tell her and her mom, a church service that I couldn't sit through and ended up leaving, a time all together with the choir grieving in the PHS choir room all afternoon...and the memories continue to flow of those first few days...I don't know why the aligning of the days has made it harder this year. I really don't.  All I know is that I have cried and laughed, grieved and remembered...and it's okay.  It's what I needed and it's okay.  I went to the cemetery and after crying at any little thing all weekend long, I got there and there were no tears...and then I started laughing and telling her that I promise I did miss her even if the tears weren't there at the moment and I could picture her smiling with a twinkle in her eye and laughing at me...
I mentioned on facebook that I worry people tire of me talking about her each year...but it really doesn't matter.  My life was forever changed by Kiara Joy...her life, her friendship and her death.  I choose to honor her, love her, celebrate her and remember her...every day, but especially this day.
I will always love you Kiki!

 

Holding it in and putting on a happy face

It's been awhile since I've posted.  There really isn't anything new to report.  I don't go back to the main doc until April 29 and the nasal spray that he had put me on is not helping the pain.  I've had a pretty rough couple of weeks as far as pain goes.  I'm finding it NECESSARY to take more Tylenol to get through the days and that by the end of the day, I've exhausted.  Exhausted from pushing myself to still "get it all done", from having super energy with my students, from taking care of others, from putting on a smile and making everyone think that all is well with me.  Most people that I work with still do not know of my 11 year journey...just a select couple that I have trusted to let my walls down with.  So I go through each day and smile and hug the kiddos and act normal...and then I come home to my own family that takes the brunt of it all.  They see the real me.  The me that has no energy or patience left for them.  The me that doesn't have a lot left to give.  The me that is irritable because I faked everyone out all day and emotionally can't fake it for One. More. Second. 
I had a thought tonight. Not really a revelation, but a thought.  I block everyone out and don't show them the me that is in pain and crying out for healing...yet it's so lonely...because then everyone thinks I'm okay, when really on the inside I'm screaming for someone to notice me, to pray with me, to encourage me in any way...it doesn't even have to be specifically about my neck.  I don't know if that makes sense.  An example...my sweet cousin, K, sent me the most beautiful texts last week asking how I was and then sharing with me that I inspired her and the admired my strength through all of this.  I sat with tears streaming down my face...I needed those words. I didn't even know I needed them until they were there.  The night that we were texting back and forth I was having a very hard night.  I was in pretty major pain and was alone in my bedroom crying with a box of kleenex and my Bible.  God knew I needed that. How thankful I was for it.  My pain didn't decrease but I felt stronger and ready to fight another day after knowing someone was pulling for me.   I need to be more intentional with people on things like this too...so often I take people for their face value that everything is wonderful...how much better would it be if I asked them how I could pray for them, instead of just saying "how are you?"
I don't know.  Just rambling here.  I know it's my choice to not let people see my pain. I know that my doctor has advised AGAINST doing this as it isn't healthy.  But my fear is that when people see where I really am, will they run the other way not wanting to hear/know the truth. Will the pity me and walk on tiptoes around me?  Will they think I'm too high maintenance and find someone else to be close with? Will they roll their eyes behind my back and think I need to just suck it up? Will they avoid me because in truth they don't really want to hear that it sucks?  So I hold it in. I cry in my room with my Bible. I put on a happy face.  I suck it up. And I start a new day. That's where I am.

Hope in the Long-Stretches

                                       

Back to the doctor I went this week.  Before I went, I had some friends praying for me...I was afraid of what I was going to hear, and although in my heart I know that He will sustain me, my brain wasn't resting in that. I have stayed relatively numb since my last visit to the shot doc.  I've had some down days but mostly just been floating along unfeeling.  So, Wednesday I rushed out of school to get to my appointment with the main doc, Dr. K (the dentist).  The assistant took me through some of my initial testings and measurements and was super chatty, which didn't allow me to think too much.  Her opinion was that things looked great as far as my jaw was concerned.  I have maintained where I am supposed to be and have not regressed at all since getting rid of the day mouth appliance.  That was good news!

So, after a bit of a wait, Dr. K came in to meet with me.  He was very pleased with my jaw progress, but concerned with my increase of pain in my neck area and that I have seemingly gone backwards in my improvement levels there.  After he ran me through all of the physical testing, he sat me down to talk to me a bit.  He hasn't given up hope yet, which is a good thing as I wasn't excited about hearing a "This is the end of the road for you" speech.  Basically we talked about how physically they have repaired as much as they can as far as the jaw, nose, cranial-facial areas for me.  Typically this takes care of the problem. Since it hasn't, his thoughts are that my deviated septum had been around long enough to cause my jaw to form incorrectly.  We can't fix that (short of breaking my jaws and starting all over with the healing formation).  Recently he has talked to some other doctors about what to do in cases like mine where the nasal surgery and jaw work hasn't fixed the problem. They have found some success with nasal spray.  (Bare with me here).  He says that even though the nose is "fixed", the flow of air still isn't able to flow normally because of the way my jaw has formed.  The idea with the spray is that when used often (5-6 times a day), it opens up the nasal cavities and helps me to breathe properly.  In turn, my posture changes because of the different air flow, which in turn helps pain levels throughout my body.  I'm not entirely sure I am on board with this treatment.  Although it makes sense on some levels to me with all that I have learned about the anatomy of my body and how things are connected...I think it's a long-stretch.  However,  that's where I'm at.  I'll do the nasal spray for 3 months, 5-6 times a day, stick to the gluten free, sugar free, dairy free diet, drink 64-72 ounces of water a day and pray for healing in the long-stretch.
So...I, being a planner, ask him what's next if this doesn't help.  He smiled and teasingly called me a pessimist and then admitted he knew me well after a year and knows that I am a planner and need to know what's next in the scheme to prepare myself emotionally. If this doesn't work or help, the next step is to get the shot doc, Dr. K and myself an appointment to meet all together so that we can talk, brainstorm and see if we are leaving anything un-turned.  Which essentially, is the end of the road for this portion of my journey and puts me back at ground zero, as I like to call it.  A place without a medical plan or idea of what to do for me.  Ground zero is a scary place for me and a place I dread...but I've been there many times.  Right now I'm not going to focus on that...gonna try hard to focus on the hope in my long-stretch and try not to put the cart in front of the horse so to speak.
As I drove home, I was thankful to not be a crying, sobbing mess.  There is a glimmer of hope...hope in the long-stretches.  After 11 1/2 years, that's what is left. Long-stretches.  The awesome thing that I know is that God is hope...and He is MY hope...the the long-stretches and in the ground zero. When my body fails and my healing fails...God never does.  So I'm focusing on the hope in the long-stretches and the God who is all powerful through all circumstances. 

not a lot to update

Many have asked for an update on my neck...so I thought I'd take a minute to "update"...although there isn't a lot to say. I have continued to have the pain.  Since my last post, I have had more rough days than good days.  I cherish those good days and probably go overboard on those days.  Numbness comes and goes with my emotions. I've had some low moments where I have been overwhelmed and in tears.  I've had moments that I feel not much at all and I've had moments where I have hope and peace. I haven't been back to any of the doctors.  On the 28th of this month I will head back to the main doc, Dr. K. He may have some added insight as far as my neck goes, or not.  I don't know.  Right now I am taking it one day at a time, trying to have little to no expectations.  So, not really an update at all...but it's where I'm at.