Holding it in and putting on a happy face

It's been awhile since I've posted.  There really isn't anything new to report.  I don't go back to the main doc until April 29 and the nasal spray that he had put me on is not helping the pain.  I've had a pretty rough couple of weeks as far as pain goes.  I'm finding it NECESSARY to take more Tylenol to get through the days and that by the end of the day, I've exhausted.  Exhausted from pushing myself to still "get it all done", from having super energy with my students, from taking care of others, from putting on a smile and making everyone think that all is well with me.  Most people that I work with still do not know of my 11 year journey...just a select couple that I have trusted to let my walls down with.  So I go through each day and smile and hug the kiddos and act normal...and then I come home to my own family that takes the brunt of it all.  They see the real me.  The me that has no energy or patience left for them.  The me that doesn't have a lot left to give.  The me that is irritable because I faked everyone out all day and emotionally can't fake it for One. More. Second. 
I had a thought tonight. Not really a revelation, but a thought.  I block everyone out and don't show them the me that is in pain and crying out for healing...yet it's so lonely...because then everyone thinks I'm okay, when really on the inside I'm screaming for someone to notice me, to pray with me, to encourage me in any way...it doesn't even have to be specifically about my neck.  I don't know if that makes sense.  An example...my sweet cousin, K, sent me the most beautiful texts last week asking how I was and then sharing with me that I inspired her and the admired my strength through all of this.  I sat with tears streaming down my face...I needed those words. I didn't even know I needed them until they were there.  The night that we were texting back and forth I was having a very hard night.  I was in pretty major pain and was alone in my bedroom crying with a box of kleenex and my Bible.  God knew I needed that. How thankful I was for it.  My pain didn't decrease but I felt stronger and ready to fight another day after knowing someone was pulling for me.   I need to be more intentional with people on things like this too...so often I take people for their face value that everything is wonderful...how much better would it be if I asked them how I could pray for them, instead of just saying "how are you?"
I don't know.  Just rambling here.  I know it's my choice to not let people see my pain. I know that my doctor has advised AGAINST doing this as it isn't healthy.  But my fear is that when people see where I really am, will they run the other way not wanting to hear/know the truth. Will the pity me and walk on tiptoes around me?  Will they think I'm too high maintenance and find someone else to be close with? Will they roll their eyes behind my back and think I need to just suck it up? Will they avoid me because in truth they don't really want to hear that it sucks?  So I hold it in. I cry in my room with my Bible. I put on a happy face.  I suck it up. And I start a new day. That's where I am.