25 years without her...

If you know me, you know that I am a "dates" person.  I remember dates...birthdays, anniversaries, special moments, anniversaries of events, etc...I don't know why but I do.  They are important to me for some reason and I have no idea why.  The first week of May is full of "dates" that I remember vividly and each year I think...I'm not going to remember every detail, yet every year I do.  25 years later and I still do.  Sunday I woke up and remembered that 25 years ago I was playing a tennis meet at Bremen that day and my friend Kiara came to watch with my mom.  I can even remember what she was wearing.  Monday, I remembered that I cancelled plans with Kiara because my Grandpa had a heart attack and was in the hospital so I went to see him. I remember the words Kiara said to me as we hung up the phone that evening.  This morning I woke up and despite trying NOT to remember, remembered that 25 years ago I was preparing to take the SAT, and go to tennis practice where I broke the strings on my racket.  I remember that later on I went to the drive-in movie with my boyfriend to see a movie I still can't stand to this day (likely because of the events, not the movie maybe).  I remember coming home that night and watching Saturday Night Live before going to bed. And I remember the sound of the phone ringing, that awful sound that changed me forever. I remember knowing something wasn't right before the words even came out of my parent's mouths.  And I remember them telling me that the phone call was Kiara's parents...from there I knew...I remember the pain...feeling like I was being tortured and everything else being a fog.  I remember a sweet friend arriving on my doorstep early to be sure I knew.  Going to church and slipping out the back with a friend because I just couldn't sit there.  Going to the school to grieve with my Crimson Connection family (show choir)....and I could go on for the rest of the week and even months from there.  It is vivid. The days leading up to Kiara's death and the time in the weeks after are a blur, yet so vivid all at the same time.

And now...25 years later...I still miss her.  Long to hear her voice, her laugh, see her beautiful smile, feel her awesome hugs.  I still hurt.  Somehow I thought a milestone like 25 years would mean that the hurt would fade away, that I would pause to remember with a smile and then move on.  I was wrong.  And even though her actual date of death is May 3, this day, May 2 is always so hard for me...it was her last day on earth.  25 years.  I keep saying that, because for one it makes me realize how old I am, but also because it feels like such a short time ago.   The hurt doesn't go away...I'm realizing that.  It has changed, but I think this week will always be hard for me...I will always remember and grieve and miss her.

I feel cheated in a lot of ways.  We had PLANS!!!!  We were going to go to college, become music teachers and raise our kids as friends...Its interesting to read through some of our notes (we didn't text back then!!!) and see that we had talked about life separated.  She was going off to college in Colorado and I had one more year of high school.  We began preparing for that...funny now that God was preparing much differently.  But even though I feel cheated in ways...I feel so incredibly blessed to have known Kiara.  To sing with her, laugh with her, roll our eyes together, hug her, get kicked out of Burger King together, sing Reba on the way to school together, write notes to her and get them from her, to have fought with her because that brought us closer, to share secrets and dreams together, to laugh with her (yes I know I said that, but we laughed a lot), do our hair together, talk about boys (no names mentioned here) and to be loved by her because she loved passionately and to share our love of God with each other.  There is so much that I have gained from knowing her, loving her, being loved by her and throughout this journey of grief. I would  give up much to have her back...I still think of her every day, every time I say my own daughter's name.  But tonight I'm thankful that I knew her, that I can remember, that I was blessed that God allowed me a short time with her.  I could write so much and share so much of what I have learned and how I've grown in my faith and such.  But tonight, I just want to remember her, grieve for her, smile and laugh at the memories and just BE.  Thank you for allowing me to do that.
Kiki, Kiara Joy, Kiara, Ki---I'll love you forever and then some.  So thankful to know that you are rejoicing in heaven and watching over me...I'll never forget or stop missing you.