Looking for Smiles

This post is all about looking for smiles...awhile back I had posted about texting thankfulness where I a friend and I had texted back and forth all evening the things we were thankful for so that I could snap out of the mood I was in and forget about my neck pain for awhile.  So tonight...as I sit here in tears because I'm hurting pretty severely, I decided to look for the smiles that happened during my day today.  Maybe I'll hurt a little less by the end, and if not...well, at least it took my mind off of it for a bit.  So here are some of my smiles today:

• Brock almost squirting me in the face with a water bottle (doing his hair) when he didn't see me coming to tell him goodbye.
• Seeing the crazy position Kiara was laying in asleep this morning with mouth wide open.
• Hearing just the right song on the radio.
• Text messages from my crazy friend..you know who you are Miss Tumor.
• Talent Show try-outs with 3rd and 4th graders...many smiles!
• Hearing a 3rd grader singing about a broken heart...if she only knew!
• Dropping salad in my lap multiple times during lunch.
• A friend checking in with me by email about something I had mentioned to her last week.
• Kiara dancing around in shorts and a very-too-small spaghetti strap tank top...what a sight!
• Big hugs from my students.
• A kindergarten boy shouting over his shoulder "I love you Mrs. Witmer" as he headed out of my room.
• Birthday treats brought to me by students.
• Shy students rapping for a talent show act...and doing it well!
• Baked french fries...I love them!
• Soaking in a hot bath...ahhhh
• My hubby's hair (after wearing a hat all day) being styled a bit like my Grandpa's was with Bryl cream.
• A student with a heart for missions asking for clothing donations for a re-sale so they can give the money to a cause dear to her.
• Hearing that a friend is praying the exact same way that I am praying for a situation.
• Going through Kiara's outgrown clothes and remembering her wearing the cute little outfits.
• Knowing that it soon bedtime for everyone, which means I can go to bed or read a book!!!
• Huge snowflakes falling...or as we called them here...snowballs falling from the sky.
• Group hug of Kindergarteners...just because they thought I needed it!
• I hesitate to put this one, but it DID make me smile...I went to tell a class that we were going to do a part again and instead said "Let's do this FART again"...Oops!
• Sweet hugs and kisses, along with bedtime prayers.

I caught myself smiling all over again as I was writing these.  Where were your smiles today? We so often take them for granted. It is so easy (at least for me) to focus on what went wrong, how I'm feeling, what my pain levels are...but there are so many joyful things around too...I don't want to miss those because I feel rotten....So glad for my smiles today!

Keep breathing. Keep moving.

If you follow my blog, you know that it has been nearly two weeks since I slipped into my funk.  The neck pain caught up with me and has made me weary. Weary to teach, weary to work out, weary to be a good mom, weary to get going in the morning, weary to do much of anything.  This week, I have had my ups and downs.  I find my laughter and my smiles smattered in the midst of the tears and the pain. I have prayed in thanksgiving and cried out for mercy. I have been thankful and I simply keep breathing and keep moving on.  Some moments are harder than others, but I keep moving and keep making it.  This week has been rough for a variety of reasons...

• the pain hit some levels it has not seen in awhile, even causing me to not be able to sleep which has been exhausting. 
• Phil, Grant and Kiara were sick this week (along with my mom too), and with Phil out of commission...boy, did I realize how much he does for us!  I married a wonderful man and I am beyond blessed by him. 
• My "new to me" treatments that I have been undergoing since the beginning of January were ruled ineffective for me on Tuesday. 
• I underwent acupuncture on Tuesday and seriously felt like a voo-doo doll...not at all a fun experience for me.  It wasn't horrible...just the idea of it is a bit much for me. Trying to decide if/when to do more of that.
• Pain increased after the voo-doo treatments (smiles...that is my sweet nickname for them).
• I had to be observed this week by my principal, which normally doesn't bother me because I teach the way I teach whether he is there or not...but I was overly concerned with my pain levels and how that would affect me.

But, this week has been good for a variety of reasons too.  I've had to look a little harder for these, but they are there, all the same.

• God taught me about forgiveness and mercy when I lost it with my kids and had to seek forgiveness from them.
• A sweet friend prayed specifically for me and although it didn't turn out like she thought it would...God definitely showed up in my day and made me feel His presence, which was really the point of the prayer anyway.
• My students make me laugh and smile when I feel like I could cry.
• I had text messages from two of my bestest buds to check on me and lift me up so often during the week.
• My devotions have been "just for me" this week and have met me right where I am at in my journey.
• Some of "my" students who are now juniors, took the time to seek me out and get a picture with me and share some "old" memories with me.
• Coffee and Diet coke are really my friends...just ask my students...they know when I've had them!
• Kiara tries my every last nerve, but is so stinking cute and loving that it cancels it out!
• Several songs have come on the radio just when I needed to hear them and great times of worship and prayer have happened as a result.
• After 9 years of pain, I have perfected teaching square dancing to 4th graders with very little movement by me!
• I have family and friends that support me and lift me up when I am down, whether by words, or a smile, or a text, or a hug,  or an email...God placed each of them strategically.

So...I'm still in a bit of a funk and frustrated/weary about where I am at in this journey...but just this week God has shown me how to keep moving forward, keep being grateful, and keep breathing.  That is my motto some days as one of my besties knows...Keep breathing, in and out.  And believing that God is not done yet in this. 
Inhale....exhale...inhale...exhale...etc...

A Little Catch-Up

I have been bad about blogging again. I go in spurts I think and I do a great job and then comes "THE SILENCE" from my blogging world! I always have tons of blogs started in my mind, but getting them on "paper" hasn't been happening. I thought I would go back and catch up a little bit on December. I will save our Christmas post for next time, but here's a look at some of the things that kept us busy in December.  First up was Brock's band concert to get us into the holiday spirit. He is the clarinet player in the second row beside the red-head.

Then we had Kiara's pre-school Christmas program. She was a little calmer this year, but still definitely an entertainer.  I can't seem to get the videos to load of either of these concerts...will try again a different time.

She was busy waving to us and making sure we were watching her!

Kiara and her buddy Drake.  They go to pre-school and church together and are QUITE the team...2 bundles of energy and ornery-ness! DOUBLE TROUBLE!  But they are so stinking cute!

SNOW!!!!!  We got a bit of snow and the kids could not wait to get out and play in it. Kiara was a bit of a pest to her big brothers and had to do everything they did, which meant she was in the way!

A little snow-tackling is good for the soul, right?

We live on a bit of a hill, so they kids sled down our front yard.  We stand on the look out for cars, don't worry! (smiles)

Christmas always means cousin time! Hooray!  They were so busy playing together that this is the only picture I got of the four boy cousins!

Girl cousins were more willing to pose! Love these two girls to pieces!

Kiara got a cute dolly that has braids just like her!

Mommy even got in on the sledding action this year. I typically avoid the cold and sledding because of my neck, but I got mad enough that I did it anyway! We weren't out long, but we had fun and I even went down on the sled a couple of times!

More sledding fun...Kiara looks to be in trouble, sledding right into her brothers!

Kiara and Mommy all bundled up and ready for the snow!

December was full of fun, memories and concerts.  I don't have any pictures of my own school concert to put on here, but it is always a relief to have that one over too. So...February and I'm finally getting December pictures on here....I know.  I skipped Thanksgiving...maybe I'll get back to it! Forgive this lazy blogging mommy!

Not for a Moment

Today, I'm struggling.  I have been a positive, giving the Glory to God through the pain kind of gal for the last 5 weeks.  I really have.  I have focused on my blessings and the hope of finding healing.  I was so proud of myself and how "well" I was doing emotionally and spiritually through this long journey of pain.  Then yesterday afternoon I found myself sinking and sinking.  By this morning I had a few tears and just a weariness come over me.  Being in pain while fighting the good fight and continuing to function normally has worn me down. I knew it would. It always does.  You see...I knew this would happen. It's part of "the cycle".  I am strong and mighty and positive through the pain and then I crash for a few days.  I cry, feel sorry for myself, wonder "why me?" and long to be the normal me again.  I wonder why I am not being healed?  I am back to taking quite a bit of tylenol or ibuprofen every day to get through my day.  I am sitting here, hurting and wanting to crawl in bed under the covers and hide for a few days until I come out of this funk I'm in.  Because I know I will...I know I will get through this and I know that I will once again be able to be positive and have hope again.  I always cycle back to it with God's help. The weird thing about the cycle is that it isn't always related to worse pain days at my low points.  It's just going through every day in pain wears on me to a point that I simply can't take it anymore and I crash.  Again, God amazes me in that as we went to do devotions with the kids tonight we were reading Psalm 143.  I won't write it all out here, but it hit me right where I was in talking about crying out and feeling forgotten, but KNOWING that God has not left me, not even for a moment and I know He hasn't forgotten me.  I wish He would heal me this instant...oh how I wish that...but I know that He is with me and giving me strength for this moment, and then the next, and then the next.  As my mind was churning over Psalm 143, my mind instantly went to this song by Meredith Andrews called "Not for a Moment (After All)".  The entire song speaks to me, but I just pulled out the last section of the song and copied it below.  Before this particular part the song talks about God being there when we can't see, hear or feel Him near.

After all You are constant
After all You are only good
After all You are sovereign
Not for a moment will You forsake me
Not for a moment will You forsake me

And every step, every breath you are there
Every tear, every cry, every prayer
In my heart, at my worst,
When my world falls down
Not for a moment will You forsake me
Even in the dark
Even when it's hard
You will never leave me
After all

Yep...I feel like it's dark right now in my cycle of emotions...but He never leaves me and He hears every cry and prayer.  And He'll never leave me or forsake me.  Thank you God for this moment, and the next, and the next...

A day all alone

So, I was "kid-less" today for most of the day.  As soon as they left, I had an agenda. I was doing laundry already, but I sat down and paid the bills, drank my coffee, picked up the house and was off to run errands ALONE!  I can't believe how much faster going to the bank, post office, library, drop off a bill, quick stop at the thrift store and shoe store went without loading and unloading any kids.  But I have to tell you that after that first hour and a half, I began to miss them. I know. I am not normal.  Most moms dream of a day alone, but I love having my kids around, especially during breaks.  I cherish those times since I am a working mom...I even drove by where they "might" eat lunch to see if I could stop and eat with them. I came home and found myself not really knowing exactly what to do.  This surprised me...and as I began dusting, sweeping, finishing all of the laundry and doing some organizing I found myself singing and being quiet alternately.  Part of me scolded myself..."just curl up with a book or movie and relax" it said.  But what I realized is that I actually enjoyed cleaning without distraction of the kids...I could clean without feeling like I should be doing something with them.  I could organize without being interrupted to break up fights and/or a 4 year old RE-organizing things for me.  AND, my house stayed clean because no one was here to mess it up again.  I know it won't last, but it sure is nice while it does last.   So, yeah, I cleaned most of the day that I was alone, but it was really nice.   I also feel energized too...when they come home I am ready to love on them and have some fun instead of worrying about what needs done.  Thanks to my wonderful mom for hanging out with the grandkids today and blessing me even when I didn't feel like being blessed to start with!!!

The battle wages on...

I honestly haven't thought a lot about what I want to say or how it should be said in this post...I just know that I need to write it. Writing is therapeutic for me...even if no one reads it (smile).  For those who have known me long know that over 9 years ago began a journey of neck pain for me that has taken me to many doctors, specialists and had me do both traditional and bizarre treatments to seek help with the pain. Last year in August I was pretty much told by my two main doctors through this that I needed to think about managing the pain and no longer seek a cure for it.  I was devastated and battled with God. As I battled, I was brought to a peace...Don't get me wrong I was not happy about living the rest of my days with pain, but I was at peace and trusting God to provide for me every day, one day at a time. Then an "old" high school friend wrote me a message and told me about a product that might help. My beloved zija smartmix.  I began seeing results within a few weeks and about 2 1/2 months into taking this nutritional daily I was nearly pain free.  So, last year at this time was amazing for me. After 8 years of suffering, I was playing with the kids, sledding, painting 1/2 of my house over Christmas break and loving my life as mom/wife/teacher/friend again...And then came "the episode" in July right before the fair. I woke up and when I went to turn off my alarm I could not move my neck without pain shooting throughout my neck and head.  I cried because of the pain, as I forced myself to get dressed and ready to take the kids to work with the sheep.  My mobility increased over the next few days but the pain continued. I assumed it was the stress of getting the sheep ready (washing, shearing, lifting, etc...). I kept thinking that, and kept thinking that...and then by October, I had to admit to myself that the pain was back. I was devastated but still proactive.  I decided to go off of the zija smartmix for one month and then go back on it.  When I went back on it, I doubled the dose for the first 1 1/2 weeks and then did 1 1/2 dose for the next week before going to the regular dose.  I gave it until Thanksgiving.  The pain continued without relief.  I remained in denial a couple of weeks...and then cancelled my zija, for now anyways.  I told very few people...I didn't want the pity to start or the annoyance that I am always in pain. I wanted to deny it as long as possible and that meant keeping it a secret. 
My mind swims with questions...why did it work for awhile and then stop? why after being pain free must i go through this again?  what can i possibly have left to learn from God through this?  WHO needs me to be in pain so that I can be a witness or show compassion towards?  Will I truly live like this all the rest of my days?  do my kids resent that i am again in pain and not the mom that i was for nearly 8 months? does Phil? where do i go from here? how do i cling to Jesus when honestly I'm a bit ticked about it all? How do i continue to shine God's light when I feel cloaked in darkness at times? I don't have the answers...only God does at this point.  I know that He knows my thoughts, my fears and my pain and that He hasn't left me...even in my discouragement I know He is here with me...only by His grace am I getting through the days again.  The pain has been worse the last couple of weeks...the stress of the holidays? I don't know...but i feel relaxed, yet the pain persists and has been pretty bad the last 2 days.
So, where do i go from here?  Well, I have a couple of options to consider. I have prayed about it and I don't feel like God is saying to stop seeking help. So...i will pursue those options, one at a time so that I know for sure what is working (or not working for that matter).  Not only will i pursue those medical options, I will pursue God's word, His wisdom and His guidance...even when I don't feel like it.  I will continue to wage the battle...In my devotions with the kids tonight a couple of verses popped out to me...Psalm 73:21,23-24, 26
21Then I realized that my heart was biter, and I was all torn up inside. 23Yet I still belong to you; you hold my right hand. 24You guide me with your counsel, leading me to a glorious destiny. 26My health may fail, and my spirit may grow weak, but God remains the strength of my heart; he is mine forever.
So I will wage the battle and let God be the strength of my heart...day by day, hour by hour, moment by moment.

40th Celebration

Phil just turned 40!!!!  For anyone who knows him knows that throwing a party for him was a no-no but I didn't want to just let it pass without celebrating a milestone birthday!  So, in early October I started looking at Broncos tickets to see if I could get any close by.  I got an awesome deal at scorebig.com for the Broncos vs. Bengals in Cincinnati.  I purchased them, booked a hotel and then we gave them to him waaaaayyy early because the game was November 4 even though Phil's birthday wasn't until December. He was surprised and we began the countdown until we could go!  We left early afternoon on Saturday and drove to about an hour from Cincinnati to our hotel. We went out to eat, worked out and enjoyed the quiet of just the two of us!  Sunday morning we got up and ate an awesome breakfast at the hotel and then got ready to head out to the game.  Here we are in the lobby getting ready to leave. 

Here is Phil all dressed in his Broncos gear at the parking garage in Cincinnati.  For someone who does NOT like attention, this was not the outfit to wear!  He has had these pants for 20 years now and people behind us were reading them outloud and talking about how big of a fan he must be.

We hiked to the stadium and got there plenty early.  Lots of Colts jerseys there because of so many fans there to see Peyton Manning.  We were not far from the top of the stadium but it really didn't seem that far away and we could see the whole field really well! Here we are settled in and watching them warm up on the field.

As people filled in around us, we were surprised at all of the Broncos fans there.  We were surrounded by Bengals fans, including some VERY intoxicated college students beside us that were a bit chatty and some guys behind us who were very nice to us.  We also had some not-so-nice fans nearby...but it was all good since we won! HA! Here is the meeting of the captains for the coin toss.

Peyton warming up his arm just before kickoff, along with Stokely (14).

Halftime show was the University of Kentucky band.,.they were fairly good, but got boo'd...I guess because the University of Cincinnati is right there.

It was awesome to cheer for them live at the game.  Tricia was probably more vocal than Phil and the ladies in front of them didn't like it so much...but that's okay! Being at the game is such a different feeling from sitting at home in front of the tv.  Loved it!

Our Broncos gave us a bit of worry as the Bengals were making a come-back but they held on and clinched the win! 

As you can see, we stayed awhile after the game was over (the stands are nearly empty), but we figured why fight the huge crowd and we waited until all of the Broncos went to the locker room before leaving.  We were impressed to see Peyton Manning being the last one to the locker room and stopping at the tunnel to throw off his wristbands and towel to the crowds that were waiting for him to come through (both Colts and Broncos jerseys).

We were surprised at the time we made coming home and we actually made it home by about 9:30 PM. We had both taken the following day off assuming we would be home super late!  We had a blast celebrating a little early for Phil's 40th!  What a perfect way to spend it...next time we want to take the boys...they will LOVE it!  Happy 40th Phil!