The battle wages on...

I honestly haven't thought a lot about what I want to say or how it should be said in this post...I just know that I need to write it. Writing is therapeutic for me...even if no one reads it (smile).  For those who have known me long know that over 9 years ago began a journey of neck pain for me that has taken me to many doctors, specialists and had me do both traditional and bizarre treatments to seek help with the pain. Last year in August I was pretty much told by my two main doctors through this that I needed to think about managing the pain and no longer seek a cure for it.  I was devastated and battled with God. As I battled, I was brought to a peace...Don't get me wrong I was not happy about living the rest of my days with pain, but I was at peace and trusting God to provide for me every day, one day at a time. Then an "old" high school friend wrote me a message and told me about a product that might help. My beloved zija smartmix.  I began seeing results within a few weeks and about 2 1/2 months into taking this nutritional daily I was nearly pain free.  So, last year at this time was amazing for me. After 8 years of suffering, I was playing with the kids, sledding, painting 1/2 of my house over Christmas break and loving my life as mom/wife/teacher/friend again...And then came "the episode" in July right before the fair. I woke up and when I went to turn off my alarm I could not move my neck without pain shooting throughout my neck and head.  I cried because of the pain, as I forced myself to get dressed and ready to take the kids to work with the sheep.  My mobility increased over the next few days but the pain continued. I assumed it was the stress of getting the sheep ready (washing, shearing, lifting, etc...). I kept thinking that, and kept thinking that...and then by October, I had to admit to myself that the pain was back. I was devastated but still proactive.  I decided to go off of the zija smartmix for one month and then go back on it.  When I went back on it, I doubled the dose for the first 1 1/2 weeks and then did 1 1/2 dose for the next week before going to the regular dose.  I gave it until Thanksgiving.  The pain continued without relief.  I remained in denial a couple of weeks...and then cancelled my zija, for now anyways.  I told very few people...I didn't want the pity to start or the annoyance that I am always in pain. I wanted to deny it as long as possible and that meant keeping it a secret. 
My mind swims with questions...why did it work for awhile and then stop? why after being pain free must i go through this again?  what can i possibly have left to learn from God through this?  WHO needs me to be in pain so that I can be a witness or show compassion towards?  Will I truly live like this all the rest of my days?  do my kids resent that i am again in pain and not the mom that i was for nearly 8 months? does Phil? where do i go from here? how do i cling to Jesus when honestly I'm a bit ticked about it all? How do i continue to shine God's light when I feel cloaked in darkness at times? I don't have the answers...only God does at this point.  I know that He knows my thoughts, my fears and my pain and that He hasn't left me...even in my discouragement I know He is here with me...only by His grace am I getting through the days again.  The pain has been worse the last couple of weeks...the stress of the holidays? I don't know...but i feel relaxed, yet the pain persists and has been pretty bad the last 2 days.
So, where do i go from here?  Well, I have a couple of options to consider. I have prayed about it and I don't feel like God is saying to stop seeking help. So...i will pursue those options, one at a time so that I know for sure what is working (or not working for that matter).  Not only will i pursue those medical options, I will pursue God's word, His wisdom and His guidance...even when I don't feel like it.  I will continue to wage the battle...In my devotions with the kids tonight a couple of verses popped out to me...Psalm 73:21,23-24, 26
21Then I realized that my heart was biter, and I was all torn up inside. 23Yet I still belong to you; you hold my right hand. 24You guide me with your counsel, leading me to a glorious destiny. 26My health may fail, and my spirit may grow weak, but God remains the strength of my heart; he is mine forever.
So I will wage the battle and let God be the strength of my heart...day by day, hour by hour, moment by moment.