Reminding myself of the joy...

 Tonight I'm a bit grouchy. It was hot. I had a migraine for well over 24 hours. I had horrid cramps (sorry guys). Electric went out while I tried to watch church in bed (remember the migraine?) Ants invaded. I just feel blah...and when I was ready to whine a little more, I saw the open tab of my blog page on my computer before signing off. Hmmmm...Yep, thanks God. I needed the reminder. There is SO. MUCH. JOY. and goodness and love.  So I'm pausing the whine...at least for a few minutes before bed to reset myself and gently remind myself to snap out of it! (Smile)

So...here are a few of my joys this weekend and I know there are many more than this. But I decided to take 5 minutes and purposely jot things down as I remember.

*The moment the headache "broke".

*Kiara impressing me with her work today with her sheep, all without help.

*A pure white sheep after being washed...just wanna cuddle!

*My oldest and his fiance coming to visit and introduce us to our new "grand"puppy.

*Puppy wiggles and antics that had us laughing.

*Steaks on the grill (yummo)!!!

*Father's Day--thankful for my own dad, my father-in-law, and for Phil. All great dads!

*Sitting and chatting with my parents on their patio.

*Deer in the fields surrounding us.

*A day of rest.

*My whole family being together.

*Freshly baked banana bread.

*A text from a friend at just the right time.

*Time to sit wtih a dear teacher friend and catch up after a couple weeks off of school.

*Peace (mostly) over a stressful situation.

*Listening to a podcast while lounging on the deck.

There are always joys. Always.  Sometimes I forget to look at them or focus on them, but they are always there. I made myself stop after 5 minutes...the list could've gone on.  So, I ask you...What are you thankful for? Where are your joys tonight?

Looking for Jesus and Joy

 Emotions have been high the last few days for me, so I have been purposefully looking for Jesus and joy in my days. I was planning to wait until the weekend to show the list, but there are so many after just 3 days, that I decided to post now and I can always add. I need the reminder today.

Here are the things I have seen Jesus and joy in so far...

* A female cardinal perching on the door handle and peeking in the window at me.

* The female cardinal flying off to join her male counterpart in the tree.

* Golden Girls Sophia socks

* Bosses who listen

* An administrator  that asks questions to learn more

* A student asking how MY day was going.

* A note from K (my daughter) saying she is praying for me.

* Writing

* Podcast shared by a friend who thought of me

* My friends loving on K, so well

* Tik-toks that hit just right and make me laugh and share

* Wedding plans for my oldest and texts from my future daughter-in-law

* Birthday celebrations!!! (Katie Day! in this case)

* Watching students grow and achieve goals

* A chatty teenager (K again)

* Watching a smile come to the face of an overwhelmed student

* Teenagers being their real selves wtih me

* Visits from K at lunch time

* Silly sayings and inside jokes 

* Imaginary podcasts ("Sometimes it be like that...")  IYKYK

* Singing down the hallway with co-workers

* Proud "mama" moments with students

* Talking in British accents

* Going to the gym with K

* A fresh haircut in my fav stylist's chair

* Jamming to music with K

* Starbucks for no special reason

* Texts that make me giggle

* Sunshine on the deck relaxing

* Cute, comfy dress pants

* Fresh brewed coffee that I made but didn't have a chance to even drink (sigh)

* Open windows with a breeze coming through

* Birds singing

* Sheep "snuggles"

* Crops popping up in the fields

* Turkeys...and my luck in not hitting them this week. (and the screams and laughter it brought)

* Chats with my mama (love her)

* Memes...today was deemed meme day and I used them A LOT!!!

* Co-workers spreading their "sunshine" today  to help with a tough day

* Eyerolls that speak paragraphs

* Last tutoring session of the school year

* Practicing hair-do's on K

* Driving with the windows down

Over the years God has shown me that when I look for him, for things to be thankful for, and for joy...I will find it. Every. Single. Time. And not only will I find it, but I will find it in abundance. There are so many more that wouldn't make sense in a short little phrase to anyone but me. But to say that God showed up so far this week would be an understatement.  Where did you find Jesus and joy this week?

The Giver

 If you know anything about the enneagram, you know that:

"The Enneagram is a system of personality which describes people in terms of nine types, each with their own motivations, fears, and internal dynamics." (https://www.truity.com/enneagram/9-types-enneagram).

It zones in on your personality, hopes, fears, motivations, etc...divided up into 9 basic personality "types". I am an Enneagram 2: The Giver. Whether you like personality assessments or not, I have found this one to be pretty accurate. Two's are known to be givers...nurturers and carers of others, attuned to others, wanting to always be there when people need them, approachable, empathetic, full of encouragement, and a vocal activist for others. Sound familiar? (if you know me)  It totally makes sense why I was drawn first to teaching and then, to school counseling. These times are the times I am most fulfilled and satisfied. There is so much good with twos.

BUT, I struggle with the weaknesses as well.  I hold in my emotions to please others, or to keep them from knowing that I don't have it all together, or because I don't want to burden them. Or honestly, because I'm too exhausted being the give-er that I have nothing left to give for myself.  Sometimes the tables turn and I want a Two to find me and reflect those giving qualities back to me.That leads me to this funk I can fall into.  The funk where I feel all of the feelings. All at once.  I'm a BIG feeler anyway. And when those times come. Oh goodness...I need a hot minute because I'm ready to explode with the feelings. It can get ugly. I may withdraw into myself. I may take a nap to avoid the feelings. It's so hard to sit in my own feelings, whether good or bad or indifferent really. I don't take the time until I HAVE to take the time because the emotions bubble over. Sometimes the feelings fall down my face. Sometimes I feel like my feelings suck me down like quicksand and I have to grasp and fight to come back out. But those emotions can be overwhelming. Overpowering. Unable to keep ignoring. 

This can be so positive as I have empathy, compassion, joy, love, and laughter and I share it with others. 

Sometimes the laughter and joy are so intense and contagious. But sometimes when others hurt, I hurt intensely too. That is why I come home exhausted many days. Wiped out. Sitting and staring. Tense, worried, sad...I take on those emotions. 

I want to do more. 

Protect more. 

Fix more. 

Help more. 

Love more.

I'm a TWO. I take care of others. I care deeply for others. And when it's time for my own emotions (good or bad)...I say "Ain't got time for that". I know in my head (and training) that I have to take care of me too. It's something I'm working on. Sometimes I'm successful and sometimes...well, sometimes I put on a happy face. Say that I'm good. And just keep plugging along.  Balance. Finding the time. Taking care of me. Learning one day at a time. Trying to practice what I preach to my students. 

I honestly don't know why I felt the need to write about this, other than I'm trying to process it myself. To learn, grow, stretch, and find the balance. To identify the imbalance. And to open myself to receive, not just give.

Seeing Him in the Middle of the Hard

 This week is a hard week.  It always is. And that is okay.  It really is. 

But last night and this morning I decided that in the middle of the hard, I'm going to look for God. Look for his blessings, His joy, His presence in my life.  So often I forget to look...and in this week of hard feelings, I want to be intentional. Here's the start...just last night and today. I KNOW as I look this week I will continue to see Him showing up for me in the hard.

Times I've already seen God (which may not be times that you would see Him):

My meow-less cat giving me a little cry to ask me to turn on the sink faucet for a drink (every day).

Waking up and rolling out of bed to work out wtihout any groans or second guesses.

Getting an unexpected happy work email.

Listening to my daughter sing to 80s music while getting ready (the best music EVER).

Said daughter waking up on her own and rolling out of bed easily! YES!

Motivation to get all the things done last night after a long day.

New stickers to put on my laptop, including one that a friend gave me because she thought I would like it.

National Principal's day--to celebrate two of the best. (Trust me...I've had MANY over the years)

Fun fingernails that are a little outside the box for me.

A tough cookie-of-a student stopping by to see me just because she hasn't seen me in awhile.

A student that has worked her butt off, turned her world around, and is set to graduate on time!

The gift of a massage and letting myself fully relax.

A hug from out of nowhere just when I needed it.

A friend who always remembers and checks on my tender heart.

A dad advocating for his daughter in obvious love.

A sweet little 1 year old visitor in my office at the end of the day.

The smell of lilacs.

My cat that has followed me around and wanted love the whole night (NOT normal)...she senses mama needs her.

The luscious greens of nature right now mixed with pops of colors.

Devotions and scriptures that hit right where I need them to, at just the right time.

Memories that sneak in and trickle down my face.

Having friends at work...friends that truly see me and love me anyway.

Sweatpants with a blanket and hot tea. Ahhh. (And the time for it)

Twinkle lights and quietness.

Going from sadness to laughter in .25 seconds...only God (smile)

I could go on, and on, and on. God is showing up. He always shows up. Sometimes I just don't make the choice to see Him, to watch for Him, to allow Him to touch me.  So as the week continues, and the hard is...well...hard. I'm going to watch, see, and allow Him into the hard with me.

God is good. All the time. Even in the middle of the hard.

One of Those Days

 Have you ever said to someone (or even yourself): "It's been one of those days!" I think we all have and really it could mean lots of different things to different people. Often it is because it was a doozy, or crazy busy, or everything went wrong, or you couldn't seem to catch your breath. The other day I had "one of those days. It seemed like every time I turned around, or tried to sit down at my desk, something happened. It wasn't all bad, don't get me wrong, but it was non-stop. At times I had multiple students and staff that needed me for whatever reason and by the end of the day, I was simply wiped out.

My day was...

Rough. Full. Full of progress. And heartbreak. And hope. And frustrations. Moments of empowerment. Winning small victories. Full of heartbreak. Sadness. Anger and frustration. I jumped into therapist mode. Switched to Mom mode. Full of compassion. Ending in exhaustion. Mental and physical exhaustion.

I drove home in internal silence. My sweet teenager tried to turn on all of "our tunes" to get me reenergized and singing, but I stayed silent.  Pondering. Thinking. Wondering. Worrying.  When we got home, I went to the bathroom and then sat down on the floor with the sunlight shining in on me and I just sat there.  For an hour. 60 minutes of nothing where my brain was all over the place.

But guess what???

I love my job so much. So, so much. I love going to work every day. I truly do. I love cheering students on, seeing breakthrough, guiding through tough times, being the person that a student can count on. I tell my students that once they are "my kid", they will always be "my kid". I will advocate for them, care for them, push them to be their best, and sit in their brokenness. WITH them.

 But some days it's a lot. Even when I love my job, there are those days that wipe me out. As I got up the next day, I could still feel the leftover tension in my body...but I couldn't wait to see my students...You see, God has me right where He wants me. I believe that with my whole heart. It's crazy to think I changed careers in my 40s but as I look back I can see how God orchestrated each part of my career. Each position, each school corporation, each experience...all leading me to where I am.

You see it was one of those days. One of those days full of the things mentioned above, but also one of those days God showed me that I am just where He designed me to be. In a school I love, co-workers I truly enjoy, new dear friends, a place to fit in, doing something I am so incredibly passionate about. I am so incredibly blessed.  And that my friends is the best kind of "one of those days" you can possibly have.  

Thankful for a break

My Spring Break started a day early to attend the ACA conference in Toronto...multiple other blog posts yet to be written...and then we returned Sunday night, so I was able to be at home with Kiara for most of the week and just go with the flow. 

Highlights and gratitudes for the week are on tap for this week's blog...

* Toronto--amazing conference sessions, so much laughter, so much packed into 3 1/2 days

* Road tripping with Chris...and the theme was FUN!  Fun, silly, random pictures and moments

* Safe travels 

* Sleeping in several days, along with a couple of naps

* Reading--both professional and personal

* Meeting a professor from my online Master's program in person!

* Going to the gym to work out with my girl

* Time to dust and clean

*Shopping and Chick-fil-a with my mom and my girl

* TV time with Kiara

* Singing and acting out songs

* Rest--time to just rest

* Daily coffee and hot tea

* Sunshine and warmth

* Campfires and time on my deck

* Picking up sticks...so many sticks in the yard

* Time with our babies (lambs) and watching Kiara

* Crumbl cookies--oh my goodness!!!!

* Haircuts and highlights

* Checking email daily, but letting it just "sit" and wait

* Easter service and dinner

It has been an eventful (at the start) and uneventful week and I am so thankful that God blessed me for both parts of it. As I head into the last stretch of school before summer break, I feel renewed, refreshed, and excited to use things I learned at the conference. I have truly enjoyed the rest and slow pace of break, but have missed my co-workers and my students too.  The next six weeks are going to fly by. Thankful for rest and a break...but also thankful that I love my job so much that I'm excited to go back and dig in again.  

Visiting the border...

 Most people would word it:

     "crossing the border"

     "going through customs"

     "getting passports checked"

I call it a visit. Because indeed it was a visit...lasting longer then a few moments! Like perhaps 30-45 minutes. I also should preface this with the fact that I don't travel a lot, even within the United States, and I had to get my first passport ever to travel to Canada. So, I was already outside of my comfort zone, but was so excited about this trip to the American Counseling Association conference in Toronto with my sweet friend, Chris, along for the ride.  We were chatting away, filled with excitement, when it became our turn in line to check our passports. 

The lady in the booth asked the expected questions of where were we headed, why we were coming, how long would we be staying, if we had traveled to Canada before, how long we'd known each other. As we think that we are ready to be sent on our way...She folded up our passports and ID's and put them under the windshield wiper. She told us that she was flagging us for inspection and told us where to go to park our car. We were shocked and even laughed a little bit as I drove the car over and we wondered why on earth we were selected. As I pulled into the parking area, 3 border patrol people (is that what they are even called???), quickly approached and surrounded the car. The woman told us to turn off the car, leave the keys in the ignition, step out of the vehicle taking nothing outside of the car except ourselves. We were told to stand between the front headlights and were informed that the entire car and all of it's contents would be searched. And indeed the two men did Search. It. All.  Every nook and cranny of the vehicle, including shaking each door really hard, and every bag was searched with no compartment or pocket left unchecked and even questioned our bottles of medicines that we brought.  The woman stayed "guarding" us at the front of the car, asking all of the same questions that we were asked at the booth. When they finished searching the car, we were told we could get our purses and phones out of the car and then we needed to move to the office area where they would further question us and do a background check. 

As we walked the short distance to the building, we couldn't help but giggle. I mean...if you know the two of us, we are definitely not a threat to ANYONE...We entered the facility and you can picture "To Catch a Smuggler" type set up...no one smiled and it was all business. Our "interrogator" asked us to step down to her area and we went through all of the questions again. She told us to have a seat while she did a background check on us. As we took a seat we were trying to hold it together and take it all in. Another two ladies were there because the one forgot her passport and jokingly told us they felt like they were on "To Catch a Smuggler", which made us giggle, yet at this point I'm feeling a little nervous. And we were afraid to breathe wrong, let alone do or say something that would make it look like we weren't taking it seriously.

I honestly thought they were questioning why Chris was coming along to this conference...I mean...I had a significant reason to be in the country.  But...quickly I realized that I was indeed the target of this questioning!  I was called back up to the counter where the lady DRILLED me with questions. (Chris wanted to take a picture of me standing at the counter, but couldn't figure out a way to do it without being obvious) I can't even remember them all, but some were:

     Who invited you to the conference? When were you invited? What are you speaking on? What is the title of the presentation and what does it entail? Show me the email that invited you to present (to which she read the entire email and further questioned details in it). What is your job? Where do you work? Who is paying for your trip? Are you being paid to speak? What are the handouts that are mentioned in the email that I must submit? Where are my handouts? How long are you staying in relation to the conference dates?

Of course as she is asking me all of these questions, I'm a nervous wreck and am stammering around which likely made me look really guilty (of something...what? I don't know!) She finally stamps the paper and tells us we are free to return outside, give the paper to the agents outside, and then we would be free to leave. WHEW!  As Chris and I busted out of the office building, we were trying not to laugh hysterically and yet I was shaky as all get out! (I'm not sure what Chris was feeling...but I was a hot mess of emotions!) The adrenaline was definitely pumping and kept pumping for the next couple of hours of the drive for me! We got in the car and as we drove away we burst out laughing and reviewing all that had happened.  Wondering why on earth they cared about me presenting on informing educators of the effects and signs of trauma in students and how we can help them.  

We discovered later that I was on such an adrenaline rush that I barely remembered driving through the town right across the border. (After this town, you don't see towns off of this road for a LONG time, so it was significant). As we drove back through on our way home I told Chris I didn't remember driving through this, and she died laughing and told me things I had said and done while driving through the town the first time. I did in fact remember those things, but not until she reminded me! 

At this point...we knew for sure we were up for an adventure! What else would Canada bring us?  Stay tuned...more blogs about the trip coming up. We crossed the border laughing and continued laughing and having fun for the next 3 days...and laughed our way back across the border to come home!!! While the whole trip was a blast and simply perfect in so many ways...it was definitely an adventure...and it all started at the border!!!