The Giver

 If you know anything about the enneagram, you know that:

"The Enneagram is a system of personality which describes people in terms of nine types, each with their own motivations, fears, and internal dynamics." (https://www.truity.com/enneagram/9-types-enneagram).

It zones in on your personality, hopes, fears, motivations, etc...divided up into 9 basic personality "types". I am an Enneagram 2: The Giver. Whether you like personality assessments or not, I have found this one to be pretty accurate. Two's are known to be givers...nurturers and carers of others, attuned to others, wanting to always be there when people need them, approachable, empathetic, full of encouragement, and a vocal activist for others. Sound familiar? (if you know me)  It totally makes sense why I was drawn first to teaching and then, to school counseling. These times are the times I am most fulfilled and satisfied. There is so much good with twos.

BUT, I struggle with the weaknesses as well.  I hold in my emotions to please others, or to keep them from knowing that I don't have it all together, or because I don't want to burden them. Or honestly, because I'm too exhausted being the give-er that I have nothing left to give for myself.  Sometimes the tables turn and I want a Two to find me and reflect those giving qualities back to me.That leads me to this funk I can fall into.  The funk where I feel all of the feelings. All at once.  I'm a BIG feeler anyway. And when those times come. Oh goodness...I need a hot minute because I'm ready to explode with the feelings. It can get ugly. I may withdraw into myself. I may take a nap to avoid the feelings. It's so hard to sit in my own feelings, whether good or bad or indifferent really. I don't take the time until I HAVE to take the time because the emotions bubble over. Sometimes the feelings fall down my face. Sometimes I feel like my feelings suck me down like quicksand and I have to grasp and fight to come back out. But those emotions can be overwhelming. Overpowering. Unable to keep ignoring. 

This can be so positive as I have empathy, compassion, joy, love, and laughter and I share it with others. 

Sometimes the laughter and joy are so intense and contagious. But sometimes when others hurt, I hurt intensely too. That is why I come home exhausted many days. Wiped out. Sitting and staring. Tense, worried, sad...I take on those emotions. 

I want to do more. 

Protect more. 

Fix more. 

Help more. 

Love more.

I'm a TWO. I take care of others. I care deeply for others. And when it's time for my own emotions (good or bad)...I say "Ain't got time for that". I know in my head (and training) that I have to take care of me too. It's something I'm working on. Sometimes I'm successful and sometimes...well, sometimes I put on a happy face. Say that I'm good. And just keep plugging along.  Balance. Finding the time. Taking care of me. Learning one day at a time. Trying to practice what I preach to my students. 

I honestly don't know why I felt the need to write about this, other than I'm trying to process it myself. To learn, grow, stretch, and find the balance. To identify the imbalance. And to open myself to receive, not just give.