25 years without her...

If you know me, you know that I am a "dates" person.  I remember dates...birthdays, anniversaries, special moments, anniversaries of events, etc...I don't know why but I do.  They are important to me for some reason and I have no idea why.  The first week of May is full of "dates" that I remember vividly and each year I think...I'm not going to remember every detail, yet every year I do.  25 years later and I still do.  Sunday I woke up and remembered that 25 years ago I was playing a tennis meet at Bremen that day and my friend Kiara came to watch with my mom.  I can even remember what she was wearing.  Monday, I remembered that I cancelled plans with Kiara because my Grandpa had a heart attack and was in the hospital so I went to see him. I remember the words Kiara said to me as we hung up the phone that evening.  This morning I woke up and despite trying NOT to remember, remembered that 25 years ago I was preparing to take the SAT, and go to tennis practice where I broke the strings on my racket.  I remember that later on I went to the drive-in movie with my boyfriend to see a movie I still can't stand to this day (likely because of the events, not the movie maybe).  I remember coming home that night and watching Saturday Night Live before going to bed. And I remember the sound of the phone ringing, that awful sound that changed me forever. I remember knowing something wasn't right before the words even came out of my parent's mouths.  And I remember them telling me that the phone call was Kiara's parents...from there I knew...I remember the pain...feeling like I was being tortured and everything else being a fog.  I remember a sweet friend arriving on my doorstep early to be sure I knew.  Going to church and slipping out the back with a friend because I just couldn't sit there.  Going to the school to grieve with my Crimson Connection family (show choir)....and I could go on for the rest of the week and even months from there.  It is vivid. The days leading up to Kiara's death and the time in the weeks after are a blur, yet so vivid all at the same time.

And now...25 years later...I still miss her.  Long to hear her voice, her laugh, see her beautiful smile, feel her awesome hugs.  I still hurt.  Somehow I thought a milestone like 25 years would mean that the hurt would fade away, that I would pause to remember with a smile and then move on.  I was wrong.  And even though her actual date of death is May 3, this day, May 2 is always so hard for me...it was her last day on earth.  25 years.  I keep saying that, because for one it makes me realize how old I am, but also because it feels like such a short time ago.   The hurt doesn't go away...I'm realizing that.  It has changed, but I think this week will always be hard for me...I will always remember and grieve and miss her.

I feel cheated in a lot of ways.  We had PLANS!!!!  We were going to go to college, become music teachers and raise our kids as friends...Its interesting to read through some of our notes (we didn't text back then!!!) and see that we had talked about life separated.  She was going off to college in Colorado and I had one more year of high school.  We began preparing for that...funny now that God was preparing much differently.  But even though I feel cheated in ways...I feel so incredibly blessed to have known Kiara.  To sing with her, laugh with her, roll our eyes together, hug her, get kicked out of Burger King together, sing Reba on the way to school together, write notes to her and get them from her, to have fought with her because that brought us closer, to share secrets and dreams together, to laugh with her (yes I know I said that, but we laughed a lot), do our hair together, talk about boys (no names mentioned here) and to be loved by her because she loved passionately and to share our love of God with each other.  There is so much that I have gained from knowing her, loving her, being loved by her and throughout this journey of grief. I would  give up much to have her back...I still think of her every day, every time I say my own daughter's name.  But tonight I'm thankful that I knew her, that I can remember, that I was blessed that God allowed me a short time with her.  I could write so much and share so much of what I have learned and how I've grown in my faith and such.  But tonight, I just want to remember her, grieve for her, smile and laugh at the memories and just BE.  Thank you for allowing me to do that.
Kiki, Kiara Joy, Kiara, Ki---I'll love you forever and then some.  So thankful to know that you are rejoicing in heaven and watching over me...I'll never forget or stop missing you.

Celebrating, a year later

I have an affinity to dates.  I remember dates of birthdays, anniversaries, key moments in life.  When I say I remember, I'm not kidding.  I can tell you dates of elementary school friends birthdays that I haven't talked to in forever....it's a weird thing, because often I can't remember what the actual date of TODAY is, but can tell you a zillion other "important" dates.
So, it was no surprise to me that I have been anticipating February 25 for weeks now...If you know me and have followed my journey, you know that I suffered from neck pain for 12+ years and we couldn't figure out what was wrong or how to fix it.  If you want details of all of that, just go back through my plethora of posts over the years to see everything I have tried in order to find healing, from drinking clay, to crazy diets, to shots, to acupuncture, to mental imagery, to nose surgery, mouth appliances...it is an incredibly long list.  BUT, last year on February 25 I had my last procedure done.  I had a doctor (Dr. K) that would NOT give up on me.  He believed me in my pain and wouldn't rest until he had tried everything he could think of to heal me. It all happened by chance that he had a patient have a procedure done for different reasons and resulted in the release of her neck pain.  A week later, I had a checkup with him and he was so excited to see me and tell me about it.  Within another week, on February 25, 2016 (a very snowy Thursday)...I was having the same procedure where they would "un-tie" my tongue.  The healing release was nearly immediate, although it took weeks for me to tell people as I was scared I would jinx it and the pain would return.  Looking back a year later, I am in awe of the journey God took me on in the 12+ years of pain.  As I sat yesterday reflecting, I was going over in my mind the whole timeline of that day...what I was doing, when I was actually sitting in the chair, the emotions that I felt, the after-tongue-tie appointment with the therapist the same day....It brought me such joy to say, a year ago at this very moment, I was having surgery on my tongue and saying goodbye to pain. Thank you Jesus!
It's a year out now.  I have been mostly pain free for an entire year.  An entire year.  Just a couple months before this surgery I was praying and asking God to help me be "okay" with not being healed and to help me find a way to live with the pain for always.  So what's been happening?
I feel GREAT!  I'm rebuilding strength still in my upper body, after babying it for 12+ years.  I feel a little stronger every week.  I'm doing workouts that a year or two ago, I NEVER would have been able to do.  I have energy left at the end of the day.  It used to be that I would "survive" the day and then after faking it all day long with my students I had NOTHING left to give my family, no patience, no energy, just grouchiness and the desire to just be done and lay down.  NOW???? I come home with a smile (mostly, haha), and energy left to give my family.  I don't fall into bed at night praying I can sleep through the pain.  I don't take or rely on tylenol every day...You guys, I helped keep the company in business for 12 years...I'm worried they aren't making money anymore without me! HA!!!  I work out and push myself to be a better, stronger me. I'm a happier person.
I've said before that although this journey was awful at times and I didn't know how to take the next step or how I would make it through a day...I wouldn't change a thing.  God grew me, drew me to him, made me question Him and dig deeper into what I believed.  I had to live out my faith.  It was no longer just something I said I believed, I had to believe it to my core, or I couldn't have made it through.  How do people do life without Jesus???  I don't know.  But those 12+ years are crucial to my faith and where it is at today...This past year has been pivotal as well...I get up and am daily thankful for health and healing.  There are days, like last weekend when I ran 2 miles (I am sooo not a runner) and it was nearly my fastest 2 miles in my adult life, where I cried up the drive way because I was giving all praise and glory to Jesus for the healing and the ability to rebuild myself.
The last year has been good...better than good...I am blessed.  Forever, February 25 will be a day that I celebrate... that I am thankful... that I think of my journey... that I reflect on God's goodness and faithfulness...that I remind myself of how far I have come in my journey with Christ and in life.  It may not be a special day to you, and according to the calendar it is just another day...but to me...It is a date that I cherish and celebrate greatly!  Thank you Jesus for a great first year of being healed...here's to many more!

The Show Must Go On

I'm sitting here tonight on the eve of my very first concert at my new schools.  This is my 19th year of teaching...I've done A LOT of concerts...this is not a new experience for me, yet it is a first at my new schools, so I'm nervous....about what parents, teachers, colleagues, administrators will think. Like I said, this is not new to me but this year is different.  So. Very. Different.
You may know that when I decided to switch schools this year, I was taking the place of a retiring teacher in our district.  He was my teacher from grades 6-12, my mentor as I grew into the teaching profession, my colleague, and had grown to be my close friend. He was excited to be retiring and excited that I would be taking his place and assured me that he would help me this first year to figure things out.  That was simply not to be.  On July 1, Bob had an accident at his home and passed away later that day, just one month into retirement.  I have a whole different blog post in my mind that I want to write about him and honor him but tonight on the eve of my first concert in these buildings, my heart is a bit heavy.  I've got emotions running all over the place.  I'm excited like I always am for a concert, yet the expectation and pressure to "live up to Bob" is pressing in and I'm anxious and nervous.  You see, Bob was loved.  REALLY loved.  The kids loved him.  The parents loved him.  The staff loved him.  I loved him. Dearly.  His personality was dynamic and drew people to him...now with him gone I feel this pressure to live up to him.  I have realized that the pressure is mostly put on me by ME.  Not others.  I don't hear people saying things to make me feel like they have these expectations or that they are waiting for me to prove myself...but I have put that on myself.  It seems so important for me to put on a concert that would make him proud of me.  But the really crazy thing?  I already KNOW he is proud of me.  He supported me 100% and was excited for me to be the one to take over for him.  He told me he was proud of me.  He told the students ahead of time how I would do a great job and they would love me.  So why do I feel this pressure?  Why?  I'm not really sure.  He told me at one of our last school meetings that he wanted me to come in and make it my own, to not just do the things that he did, unless I wanted to.  So, I KNOW he truly wanted me to do that.  That is what I have done.  I think what I wrestle with in this is that I don't get to hear it from him after the concert.  He won't send me a text telling me to "Break a leg kiddo", like he did each concert in past years. I won't be able to share funny stories of mishaps and silly mistakes that occur.   I know that if Bob were still alive he would've come to some of the concerts this year and I can even hear the words he would say to me at the end of the concert..."Great job kiddo!  I knew you'd do great!"  I guess what I need to remember is that I don't have to "Live up to Bob", I just need to honor him in living up to myself.  So as I go out to lead the students in my concert tomorrow night and again next week in my other building, I need to have fun, enjoy the kids, take it all in stride and know that Bob is smiling down on me, proud of me and rooting for me.  I miss him.  Terribly.  But as he would also tell me, "The show must go on."  And it will...

No longer tongue-tied

Okay...oops!  It's been 5 months since my last post when I was preparing for a minor tongue surgery to "un-tie" my tongue.  The brief recap for a reminder was that my doctor had someone that had her tongue untied and it resulted in the disappearance of neck pain...after 12 1/2 years and trying some VERY bizarre things, I decided to go for it and have the surgery.  It wouldn't hurt me in any way, so there was really nothing to lose.  So, back on February 25, on a very snowy day, I headed north for the surgery.  The actual surgery was very quick...the numbing took the longest while he waited to be sure I was numb.  I sat nervously in the chair praying that this would be "it", that it wouldn't hurt, that my singing/speech wouldn't be effected, that God would give me strength and peace no matter what the outcome.  Once he started it took only about 5-7 minutes and was uncomfortable but not necessarily painful.  Before hand he had told me that some patients have immediate relief and others it was a gradual decline...we all know what I was hoping for.  As I sat up and moved around a little bit I kept telling myself not to be too hopeful, to just stay calm and wait and see.  They asked me if I wanted to see it and I said no because I just couldn't imagine what it would look like and was already feeling a bit queasy.  But I only got to the car before pulling down the visor to take a look.  This is what I saw...

I thought...Oh my word, I have a hole in my tongue!!!  It looked so bizarre to me!  I had to go to the tongue therapist an hour and a half later and I couldn't stop moving my tongue all around to see how far it would move.  The therapist worked with me and gave me exercises to do 3 times per day so that it didn't heal closed again.  I did my exercises religiously.  So the next week people asked me over and over and over and...you get the idea...if it had helped or not and I kept saying that it was too soon to tell.  After a week, I sat the hubby down and broke the news to him...I was almost COMPLETELY PAIN FREE!!!!  Shut the front door, right?  In fact, I had been nearly pain free from the moment of the surgery, but I kept thinking that it was just the placebo effect and waiting for the pain to return.
Two weeks after surgery I woke up and was back up to a level 5 or 6 of pain and just bawled...how could this be happening?  I had my check up from the surgery that week and my main doctor happened to walk by and spotted me in there so he stopped to give me a quick exam and see how I was.  I told him I had been nearly pain free for 2 weeks, but then it had come back the past weekend.  He assured me it could just be a set back and also asked if I had a cold or any other sickness symptoms.  I did not and he told me it wouldn't surprise him if I got sick within the next few days.  He explained that any infection or illness is going to start at the weakest area of my body every time, so my neck may be the first to feel any illness for years to come. Would you believe I was in bed sick the entire weekend that weekend???  And every day after that the pain lessened until I was back to nearly pain free.  Not joking at all, ya'll!!!
Since the surgery I have had several times of those short set-backs and it lasts a couple days before easing up again.  You guys...I have been nearly pain free for 5 months now!!!!  I can't even tell you what that feels like after 12 1/2 years of pain.  My energy level skyrocketed.  I got very silly and happy both at school and home.  Students asked me if I had more coffee than normal because I was in such a good mood and extra crazy!  Before we told my kids, they too asked why I was so happy.  Just 1 1/2 months after the surgery I began running again...not far and not fast but I was running twice a week! (Since had to take a break due to a hip issue...but it wasn't because of my neck!!!!) 
I know this all sounds crazy, right?  I know but seriously this is real and I feel awesome!   There are so many details I could give that would amaze you in my progress and abilities now, but I have to stop and just give complete glory to God in this.  My doctor apologized that it took him so long to think of this as I'd been seeing him for over 2 year.  I teared up and told him I wouldn't change a thing.  And I really wouldn't...every low point, had a purpose and God revealed Himself to me...my relationship with God grew in leaps and bounds that wouldn't have happened if I had been healthy...my story of faith and reliance on God could not be shared without every single step of this 12 1/2 years.  God is so faithful you guys...so incredibly faithful.  He didn't leave me for a second.  His hand was on me the entire time.
Now...what's ironic and so like God...in January I was at a women's IF:gathering conference at our church.  To make a long story short, at the end of the conference we were to write down what we felt God telling us to DO...I stood in front and said that I thought He wanted me to tell my story.  I don't remember my exact words, but the essence was I felt He wanted to loosen my tongue so be able to speak boldly about his awesomeness in this journey and how he has been revealed to me...I said I had no idea how I would do that (I have thoughts on that, but for a different post).  Isn't it ironic that what healed me AFTER I shared what He was telling me to do, and the healing came through un-tying my tongue...essentially loosening my tongue to tell my story.  Jesus, may I never be tongue-tied in telling of your grace, love, strength and mercy.  Thank you Jesus, for healing, for health, but most of all for the journey...because without it, I would not be who I am today. Amen.

Tongue Tied?

Hi everyone!  Remember me? It has been exactly 6 months to the day since I last posted.  In the past 6 months, I have been going to weekly at first and now bi-weekly appointments to a cranial-sacral therapist and chiropractor.  The ultra-simplified explanation of what cranial-sacral therapy is:  Our spinal cord is surrounded by fluid in an elastic-y encasement.  At times after an injury, this encasement can be bound up and can't reshape on it's own.  The therapy is a retraining of this encasement that takes time to get back to normal, stretching fully.  That is way too simple of an explanation but it would take me paragraphs to explain it better.  She also does some massage and trigger point therapy on problem areas of my muscular structure.  So the short of it...I'm making progress in  the releases and retraining, but I am not noticing a particular difference in my pain levels.  The chiropractor works along side this therapist and that is not going the greatest.  The past few times I have felt more pain in the days after those appointments.

Last week, I went back to my main doctor, Dr. K, for a 6 month check up of the jaw areas and appliance usage. (I still wear a nightly appliance.)  As he did his normal check up and chatted with me to find that I haven't had the pain decrease he had hoped with cranial sacral therapy.  In fact, in the last month or so, I've been having more 5-6 pain level days than before.  I typically hang out at the 4 area with a few 3 days thrown in.  He then starts examining the inside of my mouth, in particular my tongue and how it moves, etc.  He told me that I am "tongue-tied" and that he wonders if they untie it (snip the underneath part of my tongue where it connects to the bottom of the mouth--a frenectomy) if that would help.  I had to have had a dumbfounded look on my face!!!  He proceeded to tell me of a case that he had where they did this procedure on someone and when she came in for a check up stated that the neck pain she had been experiencing was completely gone (this was not her initial reason for the procedure).  He then got his associate to come look at me without giving him any information on my neck.  Dr. K told me that he didn't think he was just grasping at straws to help me, but he wanted to get a 2nd opinion so that he was sure he was being objective. The second dentist agreed that my tongue was indeed tied too tightly and asked me a lot of questions.  Finally, we told him a little of my story and without hesitation he said "I think you need to do this."  My head was spinning.  I asked a few more questions, they gave me some more examples of those that had been helped greatly with this procedure.  Before I left the office I had hand-outs, an appointment for it scheduled with the stipulation that I would do my own research and talk to my hubby about it, and the phone number of a "mouth therapist" that I will need to see prior to and after the procedure.

So, one week later, I'm getting ready for a minor surgical procedure tomorrow (Thursday, February 25)!!  I met with the therapist on Tuesday night and have exercises that I'm learning to do.  I meet with her again after the surgery tomorrow as well (weather allowing).  She told me of a couple cases she has seen where pain has left  as soon as the procedure is done.  If I'm honest...I'm scared.  Of so many things.  Scared to have it done (who enjoys surgery). Scared of having hope that it will work.  Scared of the disappointment that will come if it doesn't work.  Scared of having faith that this is what God is going to use to cure me.  Scared of NOT having faith that God has sent this to me.  I have tried so many things.  So many things and so many doctors.  Could it really come down to un-tying my tongue???  Crazy right?  Yet, even in my fear, which I know is NOT of God...God has presented himself to me so well...a devotional that smacked me in the eyes about how God provides in his timing, texts from a couple different friends that were exactly what I needed to hear, scripture that speaks to me, facebook posts that hit where I need them to.  He is simply amazing, isn't He?  And so, as I face this fear and this procedure, I'm trusting in His promise to never leave me or forsake me...and I know that whether I am elated or disappointed, that He still stands and will not leave me for a second.  So, I will praise Him and trust Him, even if I don't like the answer.
The next post should just flow off my tongue, right?  I mean, I definitely won't be tongue tied any more! HA!

Add an ER visit to the mix of my life...

Lots has happened since my last post...only 14 days have past but it has been eventful...baby girl's ear infection with lack of sleep, chest pains and an ER visit, a trip back to my main Dr for my neck, a surprise birthday dinner outing, a 40th birthday, both boys starting their football seasons, (one at high school JV and one at Jr. high) and more appointments scheduled.  I guess I'll go in order and tackle (smile) each event as it unfolded in several different posts.
The very night of the last neck update post (Aug 10), I was exhausted and finally falling into bed at 10:15.  I did devotions and had just shut out my light when I hear K-Bug screaming in her room.  I ran in to find her crying in pain because her ear hurt.  Poor thing was miserable and just cried and wimpered.  I rubbed her back for 1/2 hour after giving her Motrin and texting my mom to see if she could watch her the next day.  She slept until about 1:00 AM and then was up quite a bit needing us to rub her back and "be" there with her.  My mom arrived in the morning to watch her for the day and I was off to school with the promise of calling for an appointment for the pediatrician.  When I had woken up that morning, I sat up and had pains shooting in my chest right away, but I just figured I slept wrong or something.  As the morning went on and I got an appointment scheduled for K's ear, the pain in my chest seemed to get worse.  On my morning prep time I had the nurse take my blood pressure and it showed up as normal, but elevated from my "normal".  She told me I should call my doctor and see if I could get in for a check-up.  As I called the doctor to set something up, she asked what was prompting the call and I told her I was having some chest pains.  She immediately got the doctor and they asked me to go to the ER.  Now, until she told me this, I was SURE that there wasn't anything really wrong with me.  But someone telling you that you need to go the ER is a quick way to get the blood pumping and the anxiety flowing.  I went to find my principal and in the process had two sweet school friends swoop in and escort me to the ER.  One drove separate and one drove my car...I have to laugh now.  She was telling me to breathe in and out, lay my head back and relax but then went on to tell me that she was running stop signs and racing to get to the ER. Ha! 
As I walked into the ER, I sat down and started to get out my insurance cards when the lady (a student's mom) asked me what I was there for.  I told her chest pains, upon which immediately nurses raced out and took me straight back to a room, with the doctor hot on their heels.  After examining me, taking vitals and talking with me, the doctor felt that it was probably not heart related.  My sweet friend dropped everything and left work to come be with me at the hospital so my school friends could go back to work...To be sure and to try to figure out what was wrong, a chest x-ray, EKG, a TON of bloodwork, and a nasty drink was ordered to rule things out.  They literally did one test right after another (I've never had such quick service at the ER!!).  All tests came back clear and the heart looked good, along with my esophagus.  Phil came on his lunch and while we waited on bloodwork to come back, the three of us (friend, hubby and me) chatted and kept our minds busy.  Finally the all clear came on the blood work and the doctor shared that she believed that I had strained/pulled cartilage in my sternum area that was causing this pain.  It probably was initially injured during the summer and was dormant for a time before sleeping on it wrong or something else triggered the strain again.  So, she put me on a steroid and muscle relaxers to alleviate the pain.  At this point, I was exhausted from the stress.  In the meantime, my mom had taken Kiara to the doctor, been diagnosed with ear infections and had medicine started.  They had gone to my mom's house for the afternoon to rest, which worked out well, as I went home and went to bed for the entire afternoon.  I still have a little tenderness, but it is MUCH better than it was.  A big shout out to my school family that stepped in to help me, calm me, pray for me and cover my classes with NO sub plans at all...After it was all over, I felt a little silly for going to the ER, but yet I'm so glad that I went and found out that it was nothing...Very thankful for efficient doctors and friends who supported me! 
The rest for another night...

Just Telling the Facts

2 1/2 months since I posted.  So much time has passed that I don't really quite know where to start...
How about an excerpt from my last post:
"They are sending me to Chicago to meet with a specialist in osteopathic and acupuncture medicine (along with a few other things too).  I have done the osteopathic adjustments and acupuncture before with no relief, but I trust this team of doctors and if they want me to do it, I will."
I have now been to that doctor 4 times without relief.  I'm going to pull some snippets of emails that I have written about this process to help me better remember what happened....After the first appointment:
"He believes this is a muscular and ligament issue (which was one of the original diagnoses).  He then proceeded (after full body manipulation) to do Japanese scalp acupuncture, which is not a kind of acupuncture that I have had before. It is all done on the scalp area and the went from the top of my forehead--back even with the top of my ear and down to the ear and back to my face ( a big square). This acupuncture was very different and was quite uncomfortable for me. That whole area of my head is very sore and sensitive tonight. He thinks that he can make significant change in my pain in 4 visits. I feel pretty rough tonight. The drive went well and I felt decent for most of the way home. By the time I got home, I was ready to rest for awhile and I haven't moved much since then. Just really sore, sensitive and exhausted."
The second visit was in downtown Chicago and Phil was able to take me.  They "forgot" my records at their other office and the whole visit did not go well, including the doctor "cracking" my neck, which I am absolutely against, as it has ALWAYS had adverse affects.  My email that day:
" It was an interesting appointment and I'm not feeling great about this step, but we shall see."
I felt significantly worse after this appointment and feel it was due to the cracking.  There was acupuncture, but not in the scalp...this time around the neck area in question.
The 3rd visit...I began by telling his nurse and him that I would NOT be cracked again and my reasons behind it.  He was not on board with this and made it known that he could be doing so much more for me if I allowed it.  I held firm.  It is my body and my journey...I know after nearly 12 years what makes it worse and I'm not going to choose that for myself.  I went home feeling very frustrated.
The 4th visit was just two weeks ago now.  Remember he told me there should be significant improvement after four sessions? I talked to my other docs as I really wanted to cancel this appointment.  They were okay with me cancelling, but Phil and I decided to give it one last chance.  I feel like maybe my doctors had let him know where I was at in the process, because he spent more time with me and tried to explain more of the why's of the process than he did in any other appointment.  He did the Japanese scalp acupuncture again and it really hurt but was not sore after.
All that to say...I have not improved. This step has come to an end.  I have an appointment scheduled next week with this guy, but will cancel it as I don't see the point of continuing to go and pay for care that is not helping me. 
This Thursday, I head back to Dr. K, my main doc...we'll see what he has to say.  I'm tired and weary, but God has shown himself to me...he is leading me in a few things that are whole separate blog posts but He is faithful. He really is. So, I wait on Him and His timing and know that in the process, my story is being written and waiting to be told.
As I skim through this I see that it was a pretty blah, tell-the-facts kind of post.  Sorry for that. I'm in a bit of a low point and overly tired from starting back to school...But knew I couldn't put it off any longer.  If you want to pray...just pray for endurance and Christ's peace to pour over me and that I can be a blessing to others in the midst of my yuckiness.  Thanks for reading...