The Show Must Go On

I'm sitting here tonight on the eve of my very first concert at my new schools.  This is my 19th year of teaching...I've done A LOT of concerts...this is not a new experience for me, yet it is a first at my new schools, so I'm nervous....about what parents, teachers, colleagues, administrators will think. Like I said, this is not new to me but this year is different.  So. Very. Different.
You may know that when I decided to switch schools this year, I was taking the place of a retiring teacher in our district.  He was my teacher from grades 6-12, my mentor as I grew into the teaching profession, my colleague, and had grown to be my close friend. He was excited to be retiring and excited that I would be taking his place and assured me that he would help me this first year to figure things out.  That was simply not to be.  On July 1, Bob had an accident at his home and passed away later that day, just one month into retirement.  I have a whole different blog post in my mind that I want to write about him and honor him but tonight on the eve of my first concert in these buildings, my heart is a bit heavy.  I've got emotions running all over the place.  I'm excited like I always am for a concert, yet the expectation and pressure to "live up to Bob" is pressing in and I'm anxious and nervous.  You see, Bob was loved.  REALLY loved.  The kids loved him.  The parents loved him.  The staff loved him.  I loved him. Dearly.  His personality was dynamic and drew people to him...now with him gone I feel this pressure to live up to him.  I have realized that the pressure is mostly put on me by ME.  Not others.  I don't hear people saying things to make me feel like they have these expectations or that they are waiting for me to prove myself...but I have put that on myself.  It seems so important for me to put on a concert that would make him proud of me.  But the really crazy thing?  I already KNOW he is proud of me.  He supported me 100% and was excited for me to be the one to take over for him.  He told me he was proud of me.  He told the students ahead of time how I would do a great job and they would love me.  So why do I feel this pressure?  Why?  I'm not really sure.  He told me at one of our last school meetings that he wanted me to come in and make it my own, to not just do the things that he did, unless I wanted to.  So, I KNOW he truly wanted me to do that.  That is what I have done.  I think what I wrestle with in this is that I don't get to hear it from him after the concert.  He won't send me a text telling me to "Break a leg kiddo", like he did each concert in past years. I won't be able to share funny stories of mishaps and silly mistakes that occur.   I know that if Bob were still alive he would've come to some of the concerts this year and I can even hear the words he would say to me at the end of the concert..."Great job kiddo!  I knew you'd do great!"  I guess what I need to remember is that I don't have to "Live up to Bob", I just need to honor him in living up to myself.  So as I go out to lead the students in my concert tomorrow night and again next week in my other building, I need to have fun, enjoy the kids, take it all in stride and know that Bob is smiling down on me, proud of me and rooting for me.  I miss him.  Terribly.  But as he would also tell me, "The show must go on."  And it will...