No longer tongue-tied

Okay...oops!  It's been 5 months since my last post when I was preparing for a minor tongue surgery to "un-tie" my tongue.  The brief recap for a reminder was that my doctor had someone that had her tongue untied and it resulted in the disappearance of neck pain...after 12 1/2 years and trying some VERY bizarre things, I decided to go for it and have the surgery.  It wouldn't hurt me in any way, so there was really nothing to lose.  So, back on February 25, on a very snowy day, I headed north for the surgery.  The actual surgery was very quick...the numbing took the longest while he waited to be sure I was numb.  I sat nervously in the chair praying that this would be "it", that it wouldn't hurt, that my singing/speech wouldn't be effected, that God would give me strength and peace no matter what the outcome.  Once he started it took only about 5-7 minutes and was uncomfortable but not necessarily painful.  Before hand he had told me that some patients have immediate relief and others it was a gradual decline...we all know what I was hoping for.  As I sat up and moved around a little bit I kept telling myself not to be too hopeful, to just stay calm and wait and see.  They asked me if I wanted to see it and I said no because I just couldn't imagine what it would look like and was already feeling a bit queasy.  But I only got to the car before pulling down the visor to take a look.  This is what I saw...

I thought...Oh my word, I have a hole in my tongue!!!  It looked so bizarre to me!  I had to go to the tongue therapist an hour and a half later and I couldn't stop moving my tongue all around to see how far it would move.  The therapist worked with me and gave me exercises to do 3 times per day so that it didn't heal closed again.  I did my exercises religiously.  So the next week people asked me over and over and over and...you get the idea...if it had helped or not and I kept saying that it was too soon to tell.  After a week, I sat the hubby down and broke the news to him...I was almost COMPLETELY PAIN FREE!!!!  Shut the front door, right?  In fact, I had been nearly pain free from the moment of the surgery, but I kept thinking that it was just the placebo effect and waiting for the pain to return.
Two weeks after surgery I woke up and was back up to a level 5 or 6 of pain and just bawled...how could this be happening?  I had my check up from the surgery that week and my main doctor happened to walk by and spotted me in there so he stopped to give me a quick exam and see how I was.  I told him I had been nearly pain free for 2 weeks, but then it had come back the past weekend.  He assured me it could just be a set back and also asked if I had a cold or any other sickness symptoms.  I did not and he told me it wouldn't surprise him if I got sick within the next few days.  He explained that any infection or illness is going to start at the weakest area of my body every time, so my neck may be the first to feel any illness for years to come. Would you believe I was in bed sick the entire weekend that weekend???  And every day after that the pain lessened until I was back to nearly pain free.  Not joking at all, ya'll!!!
Since the surgery I have had several times of those short set-backs and it lasts a couple days before easing up again.  You guys...I have been nearly pain free for 5 months now!!!!  I can't even tell you what that feels like after 12 1/2 years of pain.  My energy level skyrocketed.  I got very silly and happy both at school and home.  Students asked me if I had more coffee than normal because I was in such a good mood and extra crazy!  Before we told my kids, they too asked why I was so happy.  Just 1 1/2 months after the surgery I began running again...not far and not fast but I was running twice a week! (Since had to take a break due to a hip issue...but it wasn't because of my neck!!!!) 
I know this all sounds crazy, right?  I know but seriously this is real and I feel awesome!   There are so many details I could give that would amaze you in my progress and abilities now, but I have to stop and just give complete glory to God in this.  My doctor apologized that it took him so long to think of this as I'd been seeing him for over 2 year.  I teared up and told him I wouldn't change a thing.  And I really wouldn't...every low point, had a purpose and God revealed Himself to me...my relationship with God grew in leaps and bounds that wouldn't have happened if I had been healthy...my story of faith and reliance on God could not be shared without every single step of this 12 1/2 years.  God is so faithful you guys...so incredibly faithful.  He didn't leave me for a second.  His hand was on me the entire time.
Now...what's ironic and so like God...in January I was at a women's IF:gathering conference at our church.  To make a long story short, at the end of the conference we were to write down what we felt God telling us to DO...I stood in front and said that I thought He wanted me to tell my story.  I don't remember my exact words, but the essence was I felt He wanted to loosen my tongue so be able to speak boldly about his awesomeness in this journey and how he has been revealed to me...I said I had no idea how I would do that (I have thoughts on that, but for a different post).  Isn't it ironic that what healed me AFTER I shared what He was telling me to do, and the healing came through un-tying my tongue...essentially loosening my tongue to tell my story.  Jesus, may I never be tongue-tied in telling of your grace, love, strength and mercy.  Thank you Jesus, for healing, for health, but most of all for the journey...because without it, I would not be who I am today. Amen.

Tongue Tied?

Hi everyone!  Remember me? It has been exactly 6 months to the day since I last posted.  In the past 6 months, I have been going to weekly at first and now bi-weekly appointments to a cranial-sacral therapist and chiropractor.  The ultra-simplified explanation of what cranial-sacral therapy is:  Our spinal cord is surrounded by fluid in an elastic-y encasement.  At times after an injury, this encasement can be bound up and can't reshape on it's own.  The therapy is a retraining of this encasement that takes time to get back to normal, stretching fully.  That is way too simple of an explanation but it would take me paragraphs to explain it better.  She also does some massage and trigger point therapy on problem areas of my muscular structure.  So the short of it...I'm making progress in  the releases and retraining, but I am not noticing a particular difference in my pain levels.  The chiropractor works along side this therapist and that is not going the greatest.  The past few times I have felt more pain in the days after those appointments.

Last week, I went back to my main doctor, Dr. K, for a 6 month check up of the jaw areas and appliance usage. (I still wear a nightly appliance.)  As he did his normal check up and chatted with me to find that I haven't had the pain decrease he had hoped with cranial sacral therapy.  In fact, in the last month or so, I've been having more 5-6 pain level days than before.  I typically hang out at the 4 area with a few 3 days thrown in.  He then starts examining the inside of my mouth, in particular my tongue and how it moves, etc.  He told me that I am "tongue-tied" and that he wonders if they untie it (snip the underneath part of my tongue where it connects to the bottom of the mouth--a frenectomy) if that would help.  I had to have had a dumbfounded look on my face!!!  He proceeded to tell me of a case that he had where they did this procedure on someone and when she came in for a check up stated that the neck pain she had been experiencing was completely gone (this was not her initial reason for the procedure).  He then got his associate to come look at me without giving him any information on my neck.  Dr. K told me that he didn't think he was just grasping at straws to help me, but he wanted to get a 2nd opinion so that he was sure he was being objective. The second dentist agreed that my tongue was indeed tied too tightly and asked me a lot of questions.  Finally, we told him a little of my story and without hesitation he said "I think you need to do this."  My head was spinning.  I asked a few more questions, they gave me some more examples of those that had been helped greatly with this procedure.  Before I left the office I had hand-outs, an appointment for it scheduled with the stipulation that I would do my own research and talk to my hubby about it, and the phone number of a "mouth therapist" that I will need to see prior to and after the procedure.

So, one week later, I'm getting ready for a minor surgical procedure tomorrow (Thursday, February 25)!!  I met with the therapist on Tuesday night and have exercises that I'm learning to do.  I meet with her again after the surgery tomorrow as well (weather allowing).  She told me of a couple cases she has seen where pain has left  as soon as the procedure is done.  If I'm honest...I'm scared.  Of so many things.  Scared to have it done (who enjoys surgery). Scared of having hope that it will work.  Scared of the disappointment that will come if it doesn't work.  Scared of having faith that this is what God is going to use to cure me.  Scared of NOT having faith that God has sent this to me.  I have tried so many things.  So many things and so many doctors.  Could it really come down to un-tying my tongue???  Crazy right?  Yet, even in my fear, which I know is NOT of God...God has presented himself to me so well...a devotional that smacked me in the eyes about how God provides in his timing, texts from a couple different friends that were exactly what I needed to hear, scripture that speaks to me, facebook posts that hit where I need them to.  He is simply amazing, isn't He?  And so, as I face this fear and this procedure, I'm trusting in His promise to never leave me or forsake me...and I know that whether I am elated or disappointed, that He still stands and will not leave me for a second.  So, I will praise Him and trust Him, even if I don't like the answer.
The next post should just flow off my tongue, right?  I mean, I definitely won't be tongue tied any more! HA!

Add an ER visit to the mix of my life...

Lots has happened since my last post...only 14 days have past but it has been eventful...baby girl's ear infection with lack of sleep, chest pains and an ER visit, a trip back to my main Dr for my neck, a surprise birthday dinner outing, a 40th birthday, both boys starting their football seasons, (one at high school JV and one at Jr. high) and more appointments scheduled.  I guess I'll go in order and tackle (smile) each event as it unfolded in several different posts.
The very night of the last neck update post (Aug 10), I was exhausted and finally falling into bed at 10:15.  I did devotions and had just shut out my light when I hear K-Bug screaming in her room.  I ran in to find her crying in pain because her ear hurt.  Poor thing was miserable and just cried and wimpered.  I rubbed her back for 1/2 hour after giving her Motrin and texting my mom to see if she could watch her the next day.  She slept until about 1:00 AM and then was up quite a bit needing us to rub her back and "be" there with her.  My mom arrived in the morning to watch her for the day and I was off to school with the promise of calling for an appointment for the pediatrician.  When I had woken up that morning, I sat up and had pains shooting in my chest right away, but I just figured I slept wrong or something.  As the morning went on and I got an appointment scheduled for K's ear, the pain in my chest seemed to get worse.  On my morning prep time I had the nurse take my blood pressure and it showed up as normal, but elevated from my "normal".  She told me I should call my doctor and see if I could get in for a check-up.  As I called the doctor to set something up, she asked what was prompting the call and I told her I was having some chest pains.  She immediately got the doctor and they asked me to go to the ER.  Now, until she told me this, I was SURE that there wasn't anything really wrong with me.  But someone telling you that you need to go the ER is a quick way to get the blood pumping and the anxiety flowing.  I went to find my principal and in the process had two sweet school friends swoop in and escort me to the ER.  One drove separate and one drove my car...I have to laugh now.  She was telling me to breathe in and out, lay my head back and relax but then went on to tell me that she was running stop signs and racing to get to the ER. Ha! 
As I walked into the ER, I sat down and started to get out my insurance cards when the lady (a student's mom) asked me what I was there for.  I told her chest pains, upon which immediately nurses raced out and took me straight back to a room, with the doctor hot on their heels.  After examining me, taking vitals and talking with me, the doctor felt that it was probably not heart related.  My sweet friend dropped everything and left work to come be with me at the hospital so my school friends could go back to work...To be sure and to try to figure out what was wrong, a chest x-ray, EKG, a TON of bloodwork, and a nasty drink was ordered to rule things out.  They literally did one test right after another (I've never had such quick service at the ER!!).  All tests came back clear and the heart looked good, along with my esophagus.  Phil came on his lunch and while we waited on bloodwork to come back, the three of us (friend, hubby and me) chatted and kept our minds busy.  Finally the all clear came on the blood work and the doctor shared that she believed that I had strained/pulled cartilage in my sternum area that was causing this pain.  It probably was initially injured during the summer and was dormant for a time before sleeping on it wrong or something else triggered the strain again.  So, she put me on a steroid and muscle relaxers to alleviate the pain.  At this point, I was exhausted from the stress.  In the meantime, my mom had taken Kiara to the doctor, been diagnosed with ear infections and had medicine started.  They had gone to my mom's house for the afternoon to rest, which worked out well, as I went home and went to bed for the entire afternoon.  I still have a little tenderness, but it is MUCH better than it was.  A big shout out to my school family that stepped in to help me, calm me, pray for me and cover my classes with NO sub plans at all...After it was all over, I felt a little silly for going to the ER, but yet I'm so glad that I went and found out that it was nothing...Very thankful for efficient doctors and friends who supported me! 
The rest for another night...

Just Telling the Facts

2 1/2 months since I posted.  So much time has passed that I don't really quite know where to start...
How about an excerpt from my last post:
"They are sending me to Chicago to meet with a specialist in osteopathic and acupuncture medicine (along with a few other things too).  I have done the osteopathic adjustments and acupuncture before with no relief, but I trust this team of doctors and if they want me to do it, I will."
I have now been to that doctor 4 times without relief.  I'm going to pull some snippets of emails that I have written about this process to help me better remember what happened....After the first appointment:
"He believes this is a muscular and ligament issue (which was one of the original diagnoses).  He then proceeded (after full body manipulation) to do Japanese scalp acupuncture, which is not a kind of acupuncture that I have had before. It is all done on the scalp area and the went from the top of my forehead--back even with the top of my ear and down to the ear and back to my face ( a big square). This acupuncture was very different and was quite uncomfortable for me. That whole area of my head is very sore and sensitive tonight. He thinks that he can make significant change in my pain in 4 visits. I feel pretty rough tonight. The drive went well and I felt decent for most of the way home. By the time I got home, I was ready to rest for awhile and I haven't moved much since then. Just really sore, sensitive and exhausted."
The second visit was in downtown Chicago and Phil was able to take me.  They "forgot" my records at their other office and the whole visit did not go well, including the doctor "cracking" my neck, which I am absolutely against, as it has ALWAYS had adverse affects.  My email that day:
" It was an interesting appointment and I'm not feeling great about this step, but we shall see."
I felt significantly worse after this appointment and feel it was due to the cracking.  There was acupuncture, but not in the scalp...this time around the neck area in question.
The 3rd visit...I began by telling his nurse and him that I would NOT be cracked again and my reasons behind it.  He was not on board with this and made it known that he could be doing so much more for me if I allowed it.  I held firm.  It is my body and my journey...I know after nearly 12 years what makes it worse and I'm not going to choose that for myself.  I went home feeling very frustrated.
The 4th visit was just two weeks ago now.  Remember he told me there should be significant improvement after four sessions? I talked to my other docs as I really wanted to cancel this appointment.  They were okay with me cancelling, but Phil and I decided to give it one last chance.  I feel like maybe my doctors had let him know where I was at in the process, because he spent more time with me and tried to explain more of the why's of the process than he did in any other appointment.  He did the Japanese scalp acupuncture again and it really hurt but was not sore after.
All that to say...I have not improved. This step has come to an end.  I have an appointment scheduled next week with this guy, but will cancel it as I don't see the point of continuing to go and pay for care that is not helping me. 
This Thursday, I head back to Dr. K, my main doc...we'll see what he has to say.  I'm tired and weary, but God has shown himself to me...he is leading me in a few things that are whole separate blog posts but He is faithful. He really is. So, I wait on Him and His timing and know that in the process, my story is being written and waiting to be told.
As I skim through this I see that it was a pretty blah, tell-the-facts kind of post.  Sorry for that. I'm in a bit of a low point and overly tired from starting back to school...But knew I couldn't put it off any longer.  If you want to pray...just pray for endurance and Christ's peace to pour over me and that I can be a blessing to others in the midst of my yuckiness.  Thanks for reading...

New plan and another doctor

I should've written this post last month, but I didn't. So, here I sit, trying to remember it all...I went back to my main doc, Dr. K on April 29.  At the previous visit he had put me on a nasal spray to do 5-6 times per day (for more info why, refer to previous post).  Unfortunately this spray did not decrease my pain levels. He had told me that when I came in April if there had not been improvement that he wasn't sure what to do, but that we would sit down as the whole doctor team and myself and do some brainstorming to see if we were missing something.  I had prepared all day for the end of the road speech and had several friends praying for God's perfect peace in my heart. Instead I got something different. He did his full exam and strength testing and told me that everything looks great and that were no areas that needed work.  My jaw is maintaining where it should be and all is good...except that I'm still having lots of pain.  So I think..."here it comes" and take a deep breath.  Instead he told me that he has some new ideas and a brand new plan.  He has been talking to a variety of colleagues about me and without boring you with the details of it all, Dr. K wants to send me to a specialist in Chicago. She is a specialist in CranialSacral Therapy.  This was something I had not heard of before, but he has seen great results with a few other patients who have gone there. I'm not sure I will explain it well here, but inside our bodies we have a lining called fascia (similar to the skin-type lining on ribs that you have to remove before cooking)...During injury it can stretched and mis-aligned and the thought is that it is not moving back to where it needs to go.  It won't retract and remain stable there...so we have  to train it to do that. This is done by slight massage to your head and spinal areas in a very particular fashion.  Yes, it sounds a bit "out there" to me too...but its been 11 1/2 years and I've done crazier things than this!  After going through all of this, he asked me what I was thinking because I was sitting there dazed.  I had just prepared myself for the end of the road speech and he blew me away with a plan instead.  I started crying and told him just that and that I was overwhelmed and wished I had brought someone with me.  He immediately got me set up for a phone conference call with Phil and I the following week so he could explain it all again and we could take notes and ask questions.   He also wants me to go back on zija (the product I took a few years ago and had 7 months with little pain before it stopped working).

Jump ahead....Phil and I "met" with him over the phone to go over it all again and we gave him the go ahead to set up the appointments for me.  A couple of days later, he emailed me and said he had talked with my other doctors and they decided to try something else first.  (That means there is a Plan A and a Plan B!!!)  Instead, they are sending me to Chicago to meet with a specialist in osteopathic and acupuncture medicine (along with a few other things too).  I have done the osteopathic adjustments and acupuncture before with no relief, but I trust this team of doctors and if they want me to do it, I will.  I let him know my concerns, along with concerns of having to go there on a regular basis, which is not real feasible to travel to Chicago all of the time.  I agreed to go to the consultation and go from there. My insurance is not accepted there, so once again the bills will mount.  But, I'm trusting God to provide.  He hasn't failed in that area yet.  So...I head to Chicago on my very first day off of school, Thursday, June 4.  I've never driven to or in Chicago before...that will be a new adventure all in itself! HA!

So...I drink my zija. I wait for my appointment. And I trust that God has a plan even in this, yet another fork in the road. Yet another summer begins with treating my neck...but at least it will be summer and I'll have the time.  At least that's what I am trying to think.  

May 3...23 years later



Anyone who knows me at least relatively well, knows that in high school, my best friend, Kiara Joy was killed in a car accident. I've written about it many times on here and in other places, so tonight isn't a re-telling of that night, what happened, etc...I just need to reflect a little on my journey this year in this last week before the anniversary.  This year the dates all aligned with the same days and so for some reason this year the memories seemed a bit more vivid...even the prom dates lined up the same and as I saw pics last weekend of those going to prom, memories flooded in of that night and the last picture we had taken together.  She went with a group of gals and I went with a boy...but we got pics together as it was her senior prom and we wanted something to remember it by.  Then as the week went on, I would remember little things about those days as well...a silly note that she wrote me, a dumb fight we got into...a tennis match at Bremen on Thursday night that she rode with my mom to watch me at.  I even remember the shirt she was wearing and the sound of her voice cheering me on...Friday I had flashbacks of our last phone conversation that night, the words that I will never forget...As I woke up yesterday I remembered the order of my day 23 years ago...SAT test first thing in the morning, tennis practice where I broke a string, the drive in movie that I went to that night (and hated the dumb movie and was freezing the whole time).  As I went to bed last night, I remembered going to bed that night, having no idea my life would never be the same.  Through a series of events (which is a whole different post), I was not sleeping last night and I watched the clock move past the time of the accident, past the time of her death and reach the time of the phone call that we got from her parents in the middle of the night from the hospital.  My stomach hurt, my heart broke all over again and I just stared at her picture that I had just posted on facebook.  It felt so fresh and real all over again.  I didn't sleep much last night and when I woke was flooded again with memories of that day 23 years ago...a visit from a friend and her mom to be sure we knew, a stop at another friends house to tell her and her mom, a church service that I couldn't sit through and ended up leaving, a time all together with the choir grieving in the PHS choir room all afternoon...and the memories continue to flow of those first few days...I don't know why the aligning of the days has made it harder this year. I really don't.  All I know is that I have cried and laughed, grieved and remembered...and it's okay.  It's what I needed and it's okay.  I went to the cemetery and after crying at any little thing all weekend long, I got there and there were no tears...and then I started laughing and telling her that I promise I did miss her even if the tears weren't there at the moment and I could picture her smiling with a twinkle in her eye and laughing at me...
I mentioned on facebook that I worry people tire of me talking about her each year...but it really doesn't matter.  My life was forever changed by Kiara Joy...her life, her friendship and her death.  I choose to honor her, love her, celebrate her and remember her...every day, but especially this day.
I will always love you Kiki!

 

Holding it in and putting on a happy face

It's been awhile since I've posted.  There really isn't anything new to report.  I don't go back to the main doc until April 29 and the nasal spray that he had put me on is not helping the pain.  I've had a pretty rough couple of weeks as far as pain goes.  I'm finding it NECESSARY to take more Tylenol to get through the days and that by the end of the day, I've exhausted.  Exhausted from pushing myself to still "get it all done", from having super energy with my students, from taking care of others, from putting on a smile and making everyone think that all is well with me.  Most people that I work with still do not know of my 11 year journey...just a select couple that I have trusted to let my walls down with.  So I go through each day and smile and hug the kiddos and act normal...and then I come home to my own family that takes the brunt of it all.  They see the real me.  The me that has no energy or patience left for them.  The me that doesn't have a lot left to give.  The me that is irritable because I faked everyone out all day and emotionally can't fake it for One. More. Second. 
I had a thought tonight. Not really a revelation, but a thought.  I block everyone out and don't show them the me that is in pain and crying out for healing...yet it's so lonely...because then everyone thinks I'm okay, when really on the inside I'm screaming for someone to notice me, to pray with me, to encourage me in any way...it doesn't even have to be specifically about my neck.  I don't know if that makes sense.  An example...my sweet cousin, K, sent me the most beautiful texts last week asking how I was and then sharing with me that I inspired her and the admired my strength through all of this.  I sat with tears streaming down my face...I needed those words. I didn't even know I needed them until they were there.  The night that we were texting back and forth I was having a very hard night.  I was in pretty major pain and was alone in my bedroom crying with a box of kleenex and my Bible.  God knew I needed that. How thankful I was for it.  My pain didn't decrease but I felt stronger and ready to fight another day after knowing someone was pulling for me.   I need to be more intentional with people on things like this too...so often I take people for their face value that everything is wonderful...how much better would it be if I asked them how I could pray for them, instead of just saying "how are you?"
I don't know.  Just rambling here.  I know it's my choice to not let people see my pain. I know that my doctor has advised AGAINST doing this as it isn't healthy.  But my fear is that when people see where I really am, will they run the other way not wanting to hear/know the truth. Will the pity me and walk on tiptoes around me?  Will they think I'm too high maintenance and find someone else to be close with? Will they roll their eyes behind my back and think I need to just suck it up? Will they avoid me because in truth they don't really want to hear that it sucks?  So I hold it in. I cry in my room with my Bible. I put on a happy face.  I suck it up. And I start a new day. That's where I am.