A Little Catch-Up

I have been bad about blogging again. I go in spurts I think and I do a great job and then comes "THE SILENCE" from my blogging world! I always have tons of blogs started in my mind, but getting them on "paper" hasn't been happening. I thought I would go back and catch up a little bit on December. I will save our Christmas post for next time, but here's a look at some of the things that kept us busy in December.  First up was Brock's band concert to get us into the holiday spirit. He is the clarinet player in the second row beside the red-head.

Then we had Kiara's pre-school Christmas program. She was a little calmer this year, but still definitely an entertainer.  I can't seem to get the videos to load of either of these concerts...will try again a different time.

She was busy waving to us and making sure we were watching her!

Kiara and her buddy Drake.  They go to pre-school and church together and are QUITE the team...2 bundles of energy and ornery-ness! DOUBLE TROUBLE!  But they are so stinking cute!

SNOW!!!!!  We got a bit of snow and the kids could not wait to get out and play in it. Kiara was a bit of a pest to her big brothers and had to do everything they did, which meant she was in the way!

A little snow-tackling is good for the soul, right?

We live on a bit of a hill, so they kids sled down our front yard.  We stand on the look out for cars, don't worry! (smiles)

Christmas always means cousin time! Hooray!  They were so busy playing together that this is the only picture I got of the four boy cousins!

Girl cousins were more willing to pose! Love these two girls to pieces!

Kiara got a cute dolly that has braids just like her!

Mommy even got in on the sledding action this year. I typically avoid the cold and sledding because of my neck, but I got mad enough that I did it anyway! We weren't out long, but we had fun and I even went down on the sled a couple of times!

More sledding fun...Kiara looks to be in trouble, sledding right into her brothers!

Kiara and Mommy all bundled up and ready for the snow!

December was full of fun, memories and concerts.  I don't have any pictures of my own school concert to put on here, but it is always a relief to have that one over too. So...February and I'm finally getting December pictures on here....I know.  I skipped Thanksgiving...maybe I'll get back to it! Forgive this lazy blogging mommy!

Not for a Moment

Today, I'm struggling.  I have been a positive, giving the Glory to God through the pain kind of gal for the last 5 weeks.  I really have.  I have focused on my blessings and the hope of finding healing.  I was so proud of myself and how "well" I was doing emotionally and spiritually through this long journey of pain.  Then yesterday afternoon I found myself sinking and sinking.  By this morning I had a few tears and just a weariness come over me.  Being in pain while fighting the good fight and continuing to function normally has worn me down. I knew it would. It always does.  You see...I knew this would happen. It's part of "the cycle".  I am strong and mighty and positive through the pain and then I crash for a few days.  I cry, feel sorry for myself, wonder "why me?" and long to be the normal me again.  I wonder why I am not being healed?  I am back to taking quite a bit of tylenol or ibuprofen every day to get through my day.  I am sitting here, hurting and wanting to crawl in bed under the covers and hide for a few days until I come out of this funk I'm in.  Because I know I will...I know I will get through this and I know that I will once again be able to be positive and have hope again.  I always cycle back to it with God's help. The weird thing about the cycle is that it isn't always related to worse pain days at my low points.  It's just going through every day in pain wears on me to a point that I simply can't take it anymore and I crash.  Again, God amazes me in that as we went to do devotions with the kids tonight we were reading Psalm 143.  I won't write it all out here, but it hit me right where I was in talking about crying out and feeling forgotten, but KNOWING that God has not left me, not even for a moment and I know He hasn't forgotten me.  I wish He would heal me this instant...oh how I wish that...but I know that He is with me and giving me strength for this moment, and then the next, and then the next.  As my mind was churning over Psalm 143, my mind instantly went to this song by Meredith Andrews called "Not for a Moment (After All)".  The entire song speaks to me, but I just pulled out the last section of the song and copied it below.  Before this particular part the song talks about God being there when we can't see, hear or feel Him near.

After all You are constant
After all You are only good
After all You are sovereign
Not for a moment will You forsake me
Not for a moment will You forsake me

And every step, every breath you are there
Every tear, every cry, every prayer
In my heart, at my worst,
When my world falls down
Not for a moment will You forsake me
Even in the dark
Even when it's hard
You will never leave me
After all

Yep...I feel like it's dark right now in my cycle of emotions...but He never leaves me and He hears every cry and prayer.  And He'll never leave me or forsake me.  Thank you God for this moment, and the next, and the next...

A day all alone

So, I was "kid-less" today for most of the day.  As soon as they left, I had an agenda. I was doing laundry already, but I sat down and paid the bills, drank my coffee, picked up the house and was off to run errands ALONE!  I can't believe how much faster going to the bank, post office, library, drop off a bill, quick stop at the thrift store and shoe store went without loading and unloading any kids.  But I have to tell you that after that first hour and a half, I began to miss them. I know. I am not normal.  Most moms dream of a day alone, but I love having my kids around, especially during breaks.  I cherish those times since I am a working mom...I even drove by where they "might" eat lunch to see if I could stop and eat with them. I came home and found myself not really knowing exactly what to do.  This surprised me...and as I began dusting, sweeping, finishing all of the laundry and doing some organizing I found myself singing and being quiet alternately.  Part of me scolded myself..."just curl up with a book or movie and relax" it said.  But what I realized is that I actually enjoyed cleaning without distraction of the kids...I could clean without feeling like I should be doing something with them.  I could organize without being interrupted to break up fights and/or a 4 year old RE-organizing things for me.  AND, my house stayed clean because no one was here to mess it up again.  I know it won't last, but it sure is nice while it does last.   So, yeah, I cleaned most of the day that I was alone, but it was really nice.   I also feel energized too...when they come home I am ready to love on them and have some fun instead of worrying about what needs done.  Thanks to my wonderful mom for hanging out with the grandkids today and blessing me even when I didn't feel like being blessed to start with!!!

The battle wages on...

I honestly haven't thought a lot about what I want to say or how it should be said in this post...I just know that I need to write it. Writing is therapeutic for me...even if no one reads it (smile).  For those who have known me long know that over 9 years ago began a journey of neck pain for me that has taken me to many doctors, specialists and had me do both traditional and bizarre treatments to seek help with the pain. Last year in August I was pretty much told by my two main doctors through this that I needed to think about managing the pain and no longer seek a cure for it.  I was devastated and battled with God. As I battled, I was brought to a peace...Don't get me wrong I was not happy about living the rest of my days with pain, but I was at peace and trusting God to provide for me every day, one day at a time. Then an "old" high school friend wrote me a message and told me about a product that might help. My beloved zija smartmix.  I began seeing results within a few weeks and about 2 1/2 months into taking this nutritional daily I was nearly pain free.  So, last year at this time was amazing for me. After 8 years of suffering, I was playing with the kids, sledding, painting 1/2 of my house over Christmas break and loving my life as mom/wife/teacher/friend again...And then came "the episode" in July right before the fair. I woke up and when I went to turn off my alarm I could not move my neck without pain shooting throughout my neck and head.  I cried because of the pain, as I forced myself to get dressed and ready to take the kids to work with the sheep.  My mobility increased over the next few days but the pain continued. I assumed it was the stress of getting the sheep ready (washing, shearing, lifting, etc...). I kept thinking that, and kept thinking that...and then by October, I had to admit to myself that the pain was back. I was devastated but still proactive.  I decided to go off of the zija smartmix for one month and then go back on it.  When I went back on it, I doubled the dose for the first 1 1/2 weeks and then did 1 1/2 dose for the next week before going to the regular dose.  I gave it until Thanksgiving.  The pain continued without relief.  I remained in denial a couple of weeks...and then cancelled my zija, for now anyways.  I told very few people...I didn't want the pity to start or the annoyance that I am always in pain. I wanted to deny it as long as possible and that meant keeping it a secret. 
My mind swims with questions...why did it work for awhile and then stop? why after being pain free must i go through this again?  what can i possibly have left to learn from God through this?  WHO needs me to be in pain so that I can be a witness or show compassion towards?  Will I truly live like this all the rest of my days?  do my kids resent that i am again in pain and not the mom that i was for nearly 8 months? does Phil? where do i go from here? how do i cling to Jesus when honestly I'm a bit ticked about it all? How do i continue to shine God's light when I feel cloaked in darkness at times? I don't have the answers...only God does at this point.  I know that He knows my thoughts, my fears and my pain and that He hasn't left me...even in my discouragement I know He is here with me...only by His grace am I getting through the days again.  The pain has been worse the last couple of weeks...the stress of the holidays? I don't know...but i feel relaxed, yet the pain persists and has been pretty bad the last 2 days.
So, where do i go from here?  Well, I have a couple of options to consider. I have prayed about it and I don't feel like God is saying to stop seeking help. So...i will pursue those options, one at a time so that I know for sure what is working (or not working for that matter).  Not only will i pursue those medical options, I will pursue God's word, His wisdom and His guidance...even when I don't feel like it.  I will continue to wage the battle...In my devotions with the kids tonight a couple of verses popped out to me...Psalm 73:21,23-24, 26
21Then I realized that my heart was biter, and I was all torn up inside. 23Yet I still belong to you; you hold my right hand. 24You guide me with your counsel, leading me to a glorious destiny. 26My health may fail, and my spirit may grow weak, but God remains the strength of my heart; he is mine forever.
So I will wage the battle and let God be the strength of my heart...day by day, hour by hour, moment by moment.

40th Celebration

Phil just turned 40!!!!  For anyone who knows him knows that throwing a party for him was a no-no but I didn't want to just let it pass without celebrating a milestone birthday!  So, in early October I started looking at Broncos tickets to see if I could get any close by.  I got an awesome deal at scorebig.com for the Broncos vs. Bengals in Cincinnati.  I purchased them, booked a hotel and then we gave them to him waaaaayyy early because the game was November 4 even though Phil's birthday wasn't until December. He was surprised and we began the countdown until we could go!  We left early afternoon on Saturday and drove to about an hour from Cincinnati to our hotel. We went out to eat, worked out and enjoyed the quiet of just the two of us!  Sunday morning we got up and ate an awesome breakfast at the hotel and then got ready to head out to the game.  Here we are in the lobby getting ready to leave. 

Here is Phil all dressed in his Broncos gear at the parking garage in Cincinnati.  For someone who does NOT like attention, this was not the outfit to wear!  He has had these pants for 20 years now and people behind us were reading them outloud and talking about how big of a fan he must be.

We hiked to the stadium and got there plenty early.  Lots of Colts jerseys there because of so many fans there to see Peyton Manning.  We were not far from the top of the stadium but it really didn't seem that far away and we could see the whole field really well! Here we are settled in and watching them warm up on the field.

As people filled in around us, we were surprised at all of the Broncos fans there.  We were surrounded by Bengals fans, including some VERY intoxicated college students beside us that were a bit chatty and some guys behind us who were very nice to us.  We also had some not-so-nice fans nearby...but it was all good since we won! HA! Here is the meeting of the captains for the coin toss.

Peyton warming up his arm just before kickoff, along with Stokely (14).

Halftime show was the University of Kentucky band.,.they were fairly good, but got boo'd...I guess because the University of Cincinnati is right there.

It was awesome to cheer for them live at the game.  Tricia was probably more vocal than Phil and the ladies in front of them didn't like it so much...but that's okay! Being at the game is such a different feeling from sitting at home in front of the tv.  Loved it!

Our Broncos gave us a bit of worry as the Bengals were making a come-back but they held on and clinched the win! 

As you can see, we stayed awhile after the game was over (the stands are nearly empty), but we figured why fight the huge crowd and we waited until all of the Broncos went to the locker room before leaving.  We were impressed to see Peyton Manning being the last one to the locker room and stopping at the tunnel to throw off his wristbands and towel to the crowds that were waiting for him to come through (both Colts and Broncos jerseys).

We were surprised at the time we made coming home and we actually made it home by about 9:30 PM. We had both taken the following day off assuming we would be home super late!  We had a blast celebrating a little early for Phil's 40th!  What a perfect way to spend it...next time we want to take the boys...they will LOVE it!  Happy 40th Phil!

Texting Thankfulness

Last night I was in a funk.  I was having a rough night and was simply grumpy.  I was taking it out on my family, which made me feel grumpier and the cycle continued.  I texted one of my dearest friends and told her I was having "a night"...basically whining to her.  After telling me she would pray she text again and said, "Let's text back and forth things we are thankful for."  Let me tell you that my physical pain and frustrations did not change as the night went on, but my attitude sure did.  Honestly, I write down 3 things every day that show God's blessings in my life...but this "text-a-thon" was an amazing experience. 
I just wanted to share some of the things that we found we are thankful for.  Hopefully my sweet friend doesn't mind me sharing her thankfulness.

1. The sun today (Thursday) 2. A home to live and work in 3. Healthy children
4. A busy body 4 yr old who is "helping" me clean kitchen and load dishwasher (hmmm...that one was mine if you couldn't guess!) 5. Sweatpants and t-shirts  6. Plumbing! 7. Slippers  8. Coffee
9. The mute button on TV;s to block campaign ads!  10. Fingernail polish  11. Football 12. Texting!
13. Friends  14. Fresh pineapple  15. Hugs and I love you's  16. Blankets and pillows  17. Laughter
18. Dogs  19. Music (not mine believe it or not!)  20. Offers to help even when I won't accept it!
21. Dangly earrings  22. 4th grade basketball practice!  23. Being able to keep our baby girls and not being told to give them up  24. Someone coming home from the hospital  25. Long cold drink after walking  26. Clean towels  27.  (adding on to 26...) fresh from the dryer  28.  (adding on to 27...) Folded and put away  29. (adding on to 28...) by someone else! HA!  30. Electricity  31. Vehicles
32. Real mail   33. Chocolate  34. Lamplight 35. A good book  36. Fridays and jeans!  37. Caller ID
And in between it all, we were chatting about other things in our lives.  I smiled. I giggled. I teared up a few times. I agreed out-loud at times.  I forgot about being whiny!  It was one of the neatest experiences I have had.  I don't know about her, but I continued on with my night, doing laundry, working out, washing dishes, etc, and would keep checking my phone and texting her my thankful thoughts.  I would get excited when my phone went off knowing there was a new one to share.  I started being nicer/more patient with my family.  My outlook changed. My physical issues did not, but my heart did. My heart was smiling.

So, my dear friend...thank you for not letting me wallow in the pain, but instead encouraging me to be grateful for all that God has done for me in this life!  You are such an inspiration to me and I am so blessed to have you for a friend.

So what are YOU thankful for...make a list...text a friend...make your heart smile.

Our Olympian

It is slightly embarrassing how late in coming this post is.  But I'm putting the pride aside because it was extremely important in the lives of the kids (and me as well) that I really want to share it here.  Most of you know that A. The 2012 Summer Olympics were held in London a few months ago and B. There was a runner from our hometown that competed in the 1500M race in track and field.  This was so exciting for us as an entire community and the love and support for Morgan Uceny was simply amazing to see.  There were t-shirts, bracelets, billboards, signs, shop windows decorated and whereever you went, people were talking about Morgan, our hometown Olympian.  I get goosebumps just remembering the excitement leading up to the Olympics.  Finally the day came for the first of 2 qualifying races.  The kids, my mom and I were travelling back from Pennsylvania that day and we had facebook up on the phone and were texting back and forth with my aunt so that we could get results right away.  We were so nervous, that we kept laughing at ourselves.  It was like we were the ones running! HA!  She qualified and two days later we were again glued to the computer for live coverage and were so nervous.  She again qualified for the next round, the FINALS!!!  Running for Gold!

Now, during this whole time Kiara was racing outside on our patio and making us clap and cheer  "Go Mo Go" as she ran around and she would finish with her arms up and smile on her face. She would do this over and over and over.  She would talk to Morgan (make believe) and about Morgan ALL of the time.  She became part of our family! It was adorable. The boys were fans as well, but weren't make believe talking to her (smile).

Anyway...finally the day came for the finals. Because of the time difference in London, the even would not be shown "live" on network tv, but would be streamed live online.  The High School in town opened up it's auditorium to show the race on the big screen.  Below is a picture of everyone packed into the auditorium to watch the race. Notice the line of people standing along the sides.

 

The mayor of the city had renamed a road right by the high school Morgan Uceny Run which the kids thought was pretty cool and we had to drive by a couple of times and take a picture.

So...we are sitting in the auditorium and I know that I can't put into words how incredible of an environment it was.  It was one of the most exciting, energized, and awesome events that I have ever been a part of.  We chanted "Go Mo Go", "Run Mo Run" and cheered and hollered for the hour leading up to the race.  When Morgan walked onto the track in her warm-up, the volume was overwhelming as we cheered and gave me goosebumps. It felt like we were right there with her.  Then the introductions came of each runner...the auditorium again erupted as she was introduced and as she looked into the camera and smiled, it got even louder! Here are a couple of shots of that, one showing the size of the screen we were watching and one close up of that smile I mentioned.

As the race began, we chanted and yelled and clapped and it was unlike anything I have experienced. I don't know how to put it into words, but it was simply amazing to be a part of.  Morgan is known for her "last lap"...she saves a lot and really kicks into gear for that.  As the bell sounded for the last lap, we were all on our feet, jumping, yelling, chanting, clapping.  It was deafening...and then it happened.  She was tripped and went down on the track.  As deafening as the sound was going into that last lap, it was equally deafening silence that enveloped the auditorium for about 30 seconds or so.  Then we began clapping and chanting again to support our Olympian.  You see...we were crushed right along with her. To see her anguish on the track and not know if she was ok was heart-wrenching.  We were stunned, shocked, devastated for her and many tears were shed that day.  BUT, she had already won gold in our eyes.  Not only had she made it there and into the finals, but her attitude and poise are amazing and she is an incredible down to earth role model.  Simply, she is our hero.  She is OUR OLYMPIAN.  No matter what. 

Labor Day weekend, Morgan made an appearance in our hometown. Not quite a month after the race, she came out to be interviewed, thank the town for their support, meet us and sign autographs. She continued to have such a positive attitude and strength, even in her tears.  She is a role model that I am glad for my kids to have.

After she was interviewed for all of us, she stayed a loooong time meeting everyone and signing autographs.  Kiara was OVER THE MOON excited about meeting her.  The entire day she had been telling me all of the things she wanted to tell Morgan.  While we waited in line, she got away from me and when we found her, she was standing right beside "her friend Morgan" and didn't know why that wasn't ok.  Finally it was our turn and we had some newspaper articles autographed..Kiara was quiet as a mouse, speechless I think (which NEVER happens).  This photo is one that we will always cherish. 

We got their picture with her and walked back down when I realized, I didn't get my picture with her.  My cousin, is actually cousin's with Morgan on the other side of the family, so she came back up with me and took our picture together.  It was raining and my shirt was soaked so I couldn't have her sign it.  But sharing some family has some benefits.  A few weeks later, they had a family reunion where my aunt took my shirt to have her sign it.  We also printed the picture of her and the kids and she signed one for each of them. 

We hope that she is able to run again in Rio...but honestly, it doesn't matter.  She is completely golden in our hearts and she is our hero.  So proud of this hometown girl!

W