The Next Part

This morning I went to yet another doctor, a spine surgeon in Indianapolis. Again, I will give the short of it up front and then details afterward for those who don’t care about the details  I do not need surgery. This in itself sounds great because I didn’t want surgery. However, it is another dead end. He does not “see” anything wrong with me…my pain remains unexplained. He is sending me back to the shot doctor to see what he wants to do next. I will be emailing him to update him and go from there. Today was very emotional. I sobbed, had crocodile tears, thanked God for no surgery, cried some more, praised God for the provision of a friend going with me, cried some more, cried while making supper, thanked God for the ability to do the small things, and finished off the night with a bit more crying…
Details of appointment:
Took a new set of x-rays .
Talked me through my history of the last 7 ½ years and different treatments that we have tried.
Did physical exam to test all sorts of things.
Went over the MRI and x-rays in great detail, labeling things and printing copies off for me.
He then explained that in these 3 parts of the appointment he is looking for overlaps in information/symptoms in order to diagnose the problem. In short, he does not see an overlap with my symptoms, test results and explanation of pain. He told me that he believes that I have the pain, but it is not anything that is showing up in an MRI/x-ray. He explained that sometimes symptoms can last for years before ever showing up on these tests (apparently 7.5 years isn’t long enough ) He believes that there is still hope for me and that there are still answers out there…just not with him. He said lots of things but my tired/weary brain can’t think of it all right now. He said that I am not surgical in any way and that my test results are better even than an average 35 year old in many ways. He said that he can’t fix me but that is why there are doctors like my shot doctor to go back to, to help me. Unfortunately in my brain I am thinking…But, I’m here because he doesn’t know what else to do for me!!!! So hope was sucked out for awhile today. He left, I cried and cried and then I have shut down a bit…refusing to deal with it really.

So many questions going through my mind…
How long do I keep having tests run and going to different doctors before it is time to say “enough”?
Am I seriously going to live with this the rest of my life? Pain for the next 50+ years?
Could it be something like rheumatoid arthritis that doesn’t show up in MRI’s for years but causes pain before then?
Where do I go from here? I’m such a planner and now that I don’t really have a plan…well, I don’t like it.
As I sit here in quite a bit of pain, I’m reminded of the sermon from yesterday…what do I do with this suffering? I need to find a way to use it for good, to use it for His glory and as a witness to others. I need to rest in HIS promises of seeing me through this and working it for good…but tonight…I’m gonna cry a little more at this dead-end until I can view it as a u-turn or round-about. God is good and amazing in all of this and He has seen me through every moment of this and never left me. I know He is with me still, even when I’m not feeling His healing hand…I’m feeling Him holding me. Now…how to rest in that? That’s a whole other entry!

Workouts and More

At the start of the new year, my boys decided they wanted to work out more with Dad...of course Kiara can not be left out of ANYTHING at our house, so she joined in as well with a bit of help from Dad!

She was super proud of herself and kept getting down and clapping and whooping!

Brock only needed help to get up to the bar and from there Dad just "spotted" for him so he didn't fall. 

Grant did the same...needed some help getting up but took it from there.

Mom...well, she just watched.  Her neck isn't quite up to that yet.  She did attempt a couple of a different exercise...attempt being the key word.   Below, Kiara had thrown Uno cards everywhere (yelling Happy Birthday!) and in order to get her to pick them up I gave her this small shopping bag to use...She proceeded to walk around like this telling me over and over that she was going shopping.  She does love to shop!

Kiara has discovered GAMES...she is too little to play most of them, but she likes to sit with us and play.  We found a game that she can play (for the most part)....Hungry Hippos...we just have to be sure not to have a headache when we get it out because the game is super loud and she yells and squeals the entire time.

We're ready for spring so we can go OUTside to play some games!

Snow fun...hopefully all in the past for the year!

I am a bit late in posting these pictures, but I'm hoping by finally posting them that maybe we can say goodbye to the cold, snowy weather and welcome spring instead!  The boys love the snow and can't wait to get out and play in it as soon as there is even a dusting of it.  Our "blizzard" from a few weeks back did not disappoint them!  They had snowball fights, did lots of shoveling (they love to do it...we do not make them!), and did some sledding too.   Here Grant is watching a snowball fly at his brother!

Brock had just let go of a snowball...he was holding the starter fluid for the snow-blower if you are wondering.

If you know my boys at all, you know that they are very creative and don't just settle for "normal" on anything, let alone on sledding.  We live on a hill and often they build ramps and turns to go down it.  This year when they shoveled the driveway, they shoveled in a certain way to make a slick, curved course down the driveway (and would stop before the road).  This "course" started from a snow pile at the front corner of the driveway and went down.  They had a ball going one right after the other.

Of course, the snow sledding course has to be JUST RIGHT...so Brock does a little touch up to make it better.   Kiara and I watched from inside at our front windows...clapping and cheering them on.

Lambs

Can't believe I haven't posted these before...Just realized it today going through the pictures on my camera...here are some of the very first lambs of the season from Grandpa's farm.  The boys were very excited to start lambing season.  Kiara has the pleasure of getting to check the barn every day to see if there are any new ones.  Maybe a future 4-H lamb in these pictures?

Going Through My Mind

Just a little something going through my mind...

I feel this pain.  It never seems to end.
So here I sit.  Crying out to you again.
I need Your love. Can You hear me now?
Crying out for you. On my knees I bow...

Jesus, I need your love.
Jesus, give me your mercy.
I know You're right beside me. I know it deep inside.
Oh----Jesus, let me feel You near.

Maybe sounds better in my head?

Peaks and Valleys

So earlier this week, I posted about my hope being in the Lord and not these shots and just really sounded like I have it all together, right?  Ha!  Last weekend at this time I was full of hope and it was easy to "say" it was all in the Lord and not the shots...I was coming off of the shots inflammation and really took it easy all weekend long...had the day off on Monday, plus 3 delays this week...and yes, my pain is increasing again, in fact the last 3 days have been quite a bit worse again...as in the pain before the shots.  So...I started slipping into the valley again...knowing that God is with me, but not feeling it and definitely not feeling that He is in control (yes, I know it in my brain, but I'm just not "feeling it"). Every now and then I get like this and then I get super stubborn...as in I scrapbooked for nearly 7 hours last night...I ran the fastest 2 miles that I have run in a really long time this morning...I swept the house and cleaned this morning...Some may see this stubborness as going against the healing process and maybe it is (although I honestly don't think so)...I think it is me trying to take charge again and REFUSING to just sit back and let life pass me continually by for 7.5 years.  I simply can't do it...and let's be honest...me taking it easy day after day after day isn't helping...so I push through the pain and I live "normally" for a few days...it helps me feel stronger emotionally until I can trust fully in the fact that God is taking care of me...and I do know that He is...I will not be consumed!

Swarming Thoughts

I must confess that I have several blogs swarming in my head...lacking motivation to really process those things and get them out. But I thought I would take a few minutes and just spew out some of my thoughts...
Two weeks ago I went back to my "shot doctor" with no improvement in my neck from my January round of shots...in fact, the pain had gotten worse.  Expecting him to tell me that it would take a couple of rounds of the shots and not be surprised at my lack of progress...I was devastated to see his face show disappointment, confusion and uncertainty.  The devastation continued as he explained to me that he really didn't know what to do...that he could try one more thing (shots while undergoing x-rays)...but that after that, he had nothing left in his pocket of tricks and thought he should send me on to a specialist friend in Indy that does surgical spinal fusions...I held it together (for the most part) in his office but he knew I was on the verge of a meltdown and encouraged me to not drive until I was emotionally secure.  To describe my feelings after that visit is difficult...devastated, disappointed, lacking hope...I was a mess.  We set up an appointment for me to have shots done with x-rays...that was last week on Wednesday.   I am blessed to have had so many praying for me and for me studying scripture on fear...because it was very rough.  Started out with 15 numbing shots (only numbing the skin area) and then 40+ shots of the medicine.  He would insert the needles and begin to shoot in the medicine, then take out the needle, x-ray to see if it was going in the right spot, then re-insert the needle to finish off the medicine.  It was pretty miserable but I honestly felt calm the entire time.  Thank you God for that peace!  So...now I wait.  It can take 3-4 weeks for the meds to reach their full affect.  Interesting that the sermon series at church has gone right along with that.  I have sooo many thoughts on that but a few of them are:  Abraham and Sarah waited 25 years to have a child of their own after being promised by God...25 years and yet they remained faithful.  My 7.5 years is looking pretty small, huh?  Also, Abraham and Sarah tried to fix things on their own, bargain with God, and laughed at God....wow...I don't know about you but I see myself in that...trying to do things on my own, making deals...laughing at God's plan or questioning it and getting angry.  Then after God "comes through" for them and gives them a son...he asks Abraham to sacrifice that son for HIM.  Whoa...I pray that when I am healed he doesn't test me quite like that...but you know what?  He remains faithful...just as he did for Abraham and Sarah.  He provided a way out and He will do that for me too. I think I'm totally rambling and it may not make any sense to anyone but me, but that's okay.  HE is faithful, loving and taking care of me...I just forget to rely on it.  He has sustained me and will continue to...I KNOW that!  I pray that it involves healing and soon...but I have HOPE in Christ.  My hope right now can't be based on the shots and what they will do...my hope is in Jesus Christ!!!  I am trying desparately to cling to that, as well as not fear all of the future un-knowns about what could happen if these shots don't work...Do I want surgery? NO!  Not at all...but again...He is faithful and His plan is perfect for me...we'll see what He has in His plans for me...but I will try to be faithful while I wait.