Swarming Thoughts

I must confess that I have several blogs swarming in my head...lacking motivation to really process those things and get them out. But I thought I would take a few minutes and just spew out some of my thoughts...
Two weeks ago I went back to my "shot doctor" with no improvement in my neck from my January round of shots...in fact, the pain had gotten worse.  Expecting him to tell me that it would take a couple of rounds of the shots and not be surprised at my lack of progress...I was devastated to see his face show disappointment, confusion and uncertainty.  The devastation continued as he explained to me that he really didn't know what to do...that he could try one more thing (shots while undergoing x-rays)...but that after that, he had nothing left in his pocket of tricks and thought he should send me on to a specialist friend in Indy that does surgical spinal fusions...I held it together (for the most part) in his office but he knew I was on the verge of a meltdown and encouraged me to not drive until I was emotionally secure.  To describe my feelings after that visit is difficult...devastated, disappointed, lacking hope...I was a mess.  We set up an appointment for me to have shots done with x-rays...that was last week on Wednesday.   I am blessed to have had so many praying for me and for me studying scripture on fear...because it was very rough.  Started out with 15 numbing shots (only numbing the skin area) and then 40+ shots of the medicine.  He would insert the needles and begin to shoot in the medicine, then take out the needle, x-ray to see if it was going in the right spot, then re-insert the needle to finish off the medicine.  It was pretty miserable but I honestly felt calm the entire time.  Thank you God for that peace!  So...now I wait.  It can take 3-4 weeks for the meds to reach their full affect.  Interesting that the sermon series at church has gone right along with that.  I have sooo many thoughts on that but a few of them are:  Abraham and Sarah waited 25 years to have a child of their own after being promised by God...25 years and yet they remained faithful.  My 7.5 years is looking pretty small, huh?  Also, Abraham and Sarah tried to fix things on their own, bargain with God, and laughed at God....wow...I don't know about you but I see myself in that...trying to do things on my own, making deals...laughing at God's plan or questioning it and getting angry.  Then after God "comes through" for them and gives them a son...he asks Abraham to sacrifice that son for HIM.  Whoa...I pray that when I am healed he doesn't test me quite like that...but you know what?  He remains faithful...just as he did for Abraham and Sarah.  He provided a way out and He will do that for me too. I think I'm totally rambling and it may not make any sense to anyone but me, but that's okay.  HE is faithful, loving and taking care of me...I just forget to rely on it.  He has sustained me and will continue to...I KNOW that!  I pray that it involves healing and soon...but I have HOPE in Christ.  My hope right now can't be based on the shots and what they will do...my hope is in Jesus Christ!!!  I am trying desparately to cling to that, as well as not fear all of the future un-knowns about what could happen if these shots don't work...Do I want surgery? NO!  Not at all...but again...He is faithful and His plan is perfect for me...we'll see what He has in His plans for me...but I will try to be faithful while I wait.