The Next Part

This morning I went to yet another doctor, a spine surgeon in Indianapolis. Again, I will give the short of it up front and then details afterward for those who don’t care about the details  I do not need surgery. This in itself sounds great because I didn’t want surgery. However, it is another dead end. He does not “see” anything wrong with me…my pain remains unexplained. He is sending me back to the shot doctor to see what he wants to do next. I will be emailing him to update him and go from there. Today was very emotional. I sobbed, had crocodile tears, thanked God for no surgery, cried some more, praised God for the provision of a friend going with me, cried some more, cried while making supper, thanked God for the ability to do the small things, and finished off the night with a bit more crying…
Details of appointment:
Took a new set of x-rays .
Talked me through my history of the last 7 ½ years and different treatments that we have tried.
Did physical exam to test all sorts of things.
Went over the MRI and x-rays in great detail, labeling things and printing copies off for me.
He then explained that in these 3 parts of the appointment he is looking for overlaps in information/symptoms in order to diagnose the problem. In short, he does not see an overlap with my symptoms, test results and explanation of pain. He told me that he believes that I have the pain, but it is not anything that is showing up in an MRI/x-ray. He explained that sometimes symptoms can last for years before ever showing up on these tests (apparently 7.5 years isn’t long enough ) He believes that there is still hope for me and that there are still answers out there…just not with him. He said lots of things but my tired/weary brain can’t think of it all right now. He said that I am not surgical in any way and that my test results are better even than an average 35 year old in many ways. He said that he can’t fix me but that is why there are doctors like my shot doctor to go back to, to help me. Unfortunately in my brain I am thinking…But, I’m here because he doesn’t know what else to do for me!!!! So hope was sucked out for awhile today. He left, I cried and cried and then I have shut down a bit…refusing to deal with it really.

So many questions going through my mind…
How long do I keep having tests run and going to different doctors before it is time to say “enough”?
Am I seriously going to live with this the rest of my life? Pain for the next 50+ years?
Could it be something like rheumatoid arthritis that doesn’t show up in MRI’s for years but causes pain before then?
Where do I go from here? I’m such a planner and now that I don’t really have a plan…well, I don’t like it.
As I sit here in quite a bit of pain, I’m reminded of the sermon from yesterday…what do I do with this suffering? I need to find a way to use it for good, to use it for His glory and as a witness to others. I need to rest in HIS promises of seeing me through this and working it for good…but tonight…I’m gonna cry a little more at this dead-end until I can view it as a u-turn or round-about. God is good and amazing in all of this and He has seen me through every moment of this and never left me. I know He is with me still, even when I’m not feeling His healing hand…I’m feeling Him holding me. Now…how to rest in that? That’s a whole other entry!