From Broken to Brave

 There could be many titles to this post...

• Conquered fears
• Junior High stinks
• Proud to be a Lion
• We may have lost, but my girl won
• Taking the high road
• Facing the bullies
• Proud Mama
• Taking Back the Power

Any of them would fit.  A few more that shouldn't leave my head, so I'll refrain from writing them.

The point of it all?  My girl faced her fears in a B.I.G. way tonight.  She's been overcoming all year long. Jumping into new adventures with a courage that simply awes me. Trying 2 new sports, starting at a brand new school in 8th grade, (Side note...do you all remember jr. high??? It is awful.  And she chose to start fresh where she knew no one!) joining clubs, making new friends, building her confidence, growing in her faith, and becoming who she wants to be without worry of what others think.  While this is all amazing in itself, most have no idea what she has faced in the last year.  The purpose of this post is not to look back at all of the "junk" she has dealt with, but what I will say is that we have tried very hard to take the high road...to not bash people, schools, students, parents...we've kept pretty quiet about it and focused on our girl.  Because SHE is what matters. We wanted to focus on healing her, building her self-confidence back up, restoring her faith in adults and peers from those who had completely failed her, and working to help her know what a wonderful child of God she is and that He designed her just as she is. 

Walls and defenses that were firmly in place to anyone that met her are slowly but surely coming down. She is finding out that there are people who will stand by her, love her, and protect her at all costs. And she is learning that she is good enough for those that matter. She is starting to believe in herself.

Today I prayed for her. I held her close. I encouraged her. I felt ALL of the feelings for her and with her. 

And then...I sat back and I watched her.  

I watched her face down a huge giant. And while I know that her hands were shaking and her heart was pounding, She. Did. Not. Retreat. She did not break. She stood tall. She took a deep breath. She believed in herself more than she believed the lies of others.  And when it was over for the night...My girl SMILED and said "I did it!" And my heart burst out of my chest. And as I sit here remembering...tears pour down my face. Tears of sadness that she has had to face so much. But also tears of complete joy and pride in this sweet girl. We had a new beginning at the start of the school year....But tonight...Tonight was a milestone. She faced her fears. She faced her hurts. She asked her friends to lift her in prayer.  She had a team of girls and coaches that supported her the whole night and showed compassion. She had a crowd of teachers that encouraged her all day long and helped her to feel valued and loved.  In facing her fears...she didn't just conquer the fear and know that she could do this one thing...she grew the confidence that she can do all things (through Christ of course).

And I as I tear up again...I am so, so proud of her. Words can't express it, honestly. This girl. She amazes me every day. Truly. But today...I am in awe of her. I love her so much my heart hurts. It has been a journey. 

Today I watched my girl go from Broken to Brave.

30 Years: Always Remembering

 I've sat here staring at her picture and letting my mind wander. Remember. Smile. Cry. Laugh. Wonder at what might have been. 30 years. Such a long time ago, yet only a blink of an eye in some ways. I think of Kiara every day. But on this, the anniversary of her home-going to heaven, the memories are always so vivid and my heart a bit tender. For some reason, this year feels a bit extra tender.  Maybe it's because it is a big year marker. Maybe it's because it's been a rough few months emotionally for me.  Maybe there isn't a specific reason other than I miss her and that I wonder at the what ifs...

Where would she be right now? Would she have a husband and family? (I honestly have no doubt she would.) Would she be working? Where? Would dreams we talked about while driving around have come true for her?

Today as my mind has wandered and friends have reached out to me, I have been flooded with happy memories (and a few not so happy) of our friendship and I can almost hear her laugh again. I have laughed, giggled, cried, and grinned goofily as I remember Kiara Joy. Man I miss that laugh. I see her eyes sparkle, the flip of her hair, hear her voice singing and I am reminded of how blessed I was to have known her and loved her for such a short time. So here are some things I have pictured today as I remember and let myself feel all of the feels...

• Her hugs...oh her hugs were divine. What I wouldn't give...
  
• Writing and passing all the notes to each other (before text messaging ya'all!)
• Singing beside her in choir or at the top of our lungs in my car, anything from Boys to Men, to Simon and Garfunkle, to Reba.
• Driving her to get changed at home before dropping her off at work.
• Her grin and laugh because she really did have so. much. joy.
• Her willingness to forgive and love unconditionally.
• Giggling and talking about who she thought was hot that week! HA! Boy crazy!!!
• Her borrowing clothes and never giving them back!!!
• Singing with her...we were always singing.
• Show choir practices and fun backstage (stories to remain private)
• Her hugs.
• Her laughter.
• Her love for life and all things Michael W. Smith.
  
• Supper at Burger King (chicken sandwiches) but only after getting Mountain Dew from Taco Bell...and there's a whole story about that...once almost getting kicked out because of our Taco Bell cups.
• Her supporting me at tennis meets coming to watch.
• The curly and beautiful way she had of writing.
• Did I mention singing with her? So many memories involving singing.
• Her crush on my brother, which grossed me out.
• Her making a tape for her family of her singing and letting me be part of the recording process.
• Amusement park song booths and our recordings.
• Her sass and spunk that didn't let anyone take advantage of her. 
• Did I mention her laughter, smiles, hugs, and singing???
  

Unfortunately, there are those things that make me feel all the feels and have changed me since that day 30 years ago on May 3, 1992. As it does every year, I remember the phone ringing that night from her parents at the hospital, our last conversation of cancelled plans, hurt, the shock, the disbelief, how it felt at school the next day, sitting as a choir in silence except for sobs, every moment of the viewing and funeral, singing a last song for her as a choir, sitting at the cemetery the night of her funeral in the dark with a couple of friends, going to school and looking for her or listening for her (because you could usually hear her coming!), being unable to see or pass a train without shivering or having a pit in my stomach and so much more.

I feel like all I have done is ramble and odds are no one has gotten this far in the post. That's okay because I wrote it for me. To remember. To feel. To love. To allow myself to miss her and grieve for what could have been, yet see how knowing her has changed my life.  Sometimes my heart gets stuck in 1992 and it feels like I blinked and it was 30 years later. But how blessed am I that I had someone so dear to me that 30 years later I can look back and remember, feel, laugh, cry, and wonder what might have been. Kiara was definitely a JOY as her name shows. I know she is smiling down on me (and all who knew her) and watching over us. Probably even telling God how to do His job with me. I will never forget. I will always remember. I will always honor your memory on this day. I allow myself the grace to feel all the feels on this day, whatever that means for me in the moment. And, I always thank God for the friendship that He allowed me to have with you, however brief it had to be. I love you always Kiara Joy, Kiki, my best friend, and now my angel.

Kiara Joy Hashberger

 

 

 

 

 

 

Momentary Miracles

 When you think of miracles, you probably think of something big. Huge. Ginormous! Right? 

Today I encountered momentary miracles.  Times when God was present and I could see and feel Him working in the ordinary of my day.  As I was processing through those things tonight, I curled up with a book suggested by a friend.  Guess what the reading was on tonight...looking for the miracles in the moments of your day.  I giggled at the "coincidence" and then stopped myself and smiled at this momentary miracle of God using this book to reinforce what I had been thinking.  I could write for an hour all of the ways that God showed up today...but I'm exhausted, so let me show you a glimpse of what I saw.

• Total calm coming over me in an intense situation.
• Time on my drive to work to collect myself and my thoughts.
• A sweet prayer written out for me from a friend who loves me deeply.
• Three amazing friends at work who supported me but gave me the space to breathe that I needed.
• An administrator that took the time to listen and show compassion.
• A lunch crew of teachers that made me laugh at very random topics.
• A "chance" walk with a friend from the cafeteria to my office to just chat.
• A text and email of kindness that made me feel good inside.
• Chatting with my family.
• Laughing at the cat. (Trust me--this is a miracle from this non-cat lover)
• A gift dropped at my back door from a friend/co-worker for no reason other than she thought I might need it.
• A book that tied it all together for me.
• And many more...

Yes, God still performs HUGE miracles all of the time. And I'm so thankful for those. But I'm praying that my eyes will continue to be opened to the momentary, some might say "small" miracles that happen every day.  What were some of your momentary miracles today?

Take a minute...

 It's been awhile.  I've had ideas. I've had thoughts. I've had so much to say. In face as I sit here I think of many different things I would like to write about. I've missed writing. But today instead of writing ABOUT things, I need to take a minute to remind myself of some things.  There is so much garbage and negativity happening in this world and I am finding that I simply CAN'T anymore.  I'm over it. I'm over reading about it, hearing about it, talking about it. And frankly people are just being mean to each other and I'm over that too.  So I need to just take a minute and stop the madness of this world. I need to thank God and savor HIS goodness in this dark world. So, here's a list...a list that reminds me of His goodness, when the world is trying to close Him out or use Him for it's own agenda...

Thank you God for:

Sunsets

Changing leaves of fall

My kitten pouncing on her shadow

A husband who takes care of me (and all of my family)

Soft blankets to snuggle with

Leggings to lounge in

The scent of clean clothes out of the dryer

A job that I love going to

Co-workers who value me

Friends who check on me

New glasses

Slippers

Laughter

Sitting outside on the deck

Facetime with my oldest

Zoom 

Texts

Emails

GIPHY 

Tea

Coffee

Netflix

Good books

These are all just off the top of my head. What about you?  Add your ideas of God's goodness...

Praising Jesus in the BLAH

I have been positive all week and mostly last week as well.  Optimistic. Energized.  Made myself get in a routine and get things done each day, while still resting. (It is still my spring break ya'll...don't judge)  And then came today...I don't know what is different.  The sun is shining. It is warm-ish outside. But as my alarm went off and I hit snooze, I just felt BLAH.  I didn't want to get up.  I certainly didn't want to work out.  I dragged myself out of bed.  I did a workout that is typically one of my favorites and it was hard and discouraging. I sat down to watch a video devotional and the internet is being wonky and it won't play. I have zero motivation to do anything and want to curl back up and sleep. (Sleeping and food are my comforts and I'm trying not to gain a zillion pounds during this crazy time)  There is no specific reason for my BLAH. Nothing happened or went wrong.  But I'm still BLAH.  But as I sat here sipping my coffee and trying to pray and thank God for my blessings, I realized something.  It is OKAY to have a BLAH day.  We are going through a crazy time in society right now.  Corona Virus (CO-VID 19) has taken over our country right now.  It is what we see on tv, hear on the radio, see on Facebook, instagram and twitter. There are people out of work. People who are at work but putting themselves at risk to be there. We are stuck at home for who knows how long. This is our life right now and it is discouraging and scary at times. It is new territory for us. It is a new normal for who knows how long.  The world is BLAH right now, so goodness sakes it is okay to be BLAH. We wouldn't be human if we didn't have moments of blah on a regular basis, let alone in a time such as this.

BUT...for me the key is to not stay in the BLAH.  To keep moving forward.  To keep trusting that God has control right now.  This is not surprising to Him.  This is not out of His control. (Can I get an Amen, ya'll?) A friend posted this morning words from Jeremiah 29:11-13 (this is the Message version) 11 I know what I'm doing. I have it all planned out - plans to take care of you, not abandon you, plans to give you the future you hope for. 12 "When you call on me, when you come and pray to me, I'll listen. 13 "When you come looking for me, you'll find me."

I read those words and was reminded HE IS IN CONTROL.  I don't know why I'm in the funk that I am in today...nothing different happened from yesterday, but right now I'm CHOOSING joy and trust in the midst of my BLAH.  When I am finished here, I am going to get up, start laundry, take a shower, start my to do list for the day, listen to worship music (and sing cause you know I can't just listen), and trust that He is in control of this and knows what will happen today, tomorrow and beyond. I'm going to pull on my big girl pants, suck it up, and make today a great day.  I can't change the BLAH of how I feel just by wishing it away...but I can choose to put one foot in front of the other and praise Jesus anyway. (Side note--I'm talking about BLAH days...not about true depression and strife...I don't want you to think I'm minimizing and telling you just to suck it up if that is your situation...I am not.) 

So...here I go...ready to praise Jesus in the BLAH because HE is never BLAH! 

I Want to Be a Sheep

How's that for a strange title?  I bet you've never heard anyone express a desire to BE a sheep.  But last night as I was reading some scripture and doing a devotion, I felt like it became oh so clear to me that I need to be a sheep.  If you know me, then you know that my family has raised sheep my entire life.  I have always been around them, showed them for 10 years in 4-H, and now my kids are doing the same (one already for 10 years, one in his 8th year and one in her 2nd year).  We have been working with the sheep every day preparing them for the fair and as I was reading last night, my two worlds of Christ follower and sheep mom connected with me like it hasn't before.  I promise I haven't lost it...trust me as you read.

Let me take you through my thought process a little:  . I have always been fascinated by the references to God as our shepherd in scripture...over and over again. Here is the scripture that started it all last night:
"The shepherd walks right up to the gate.  The gatekeeper opens the gate to him and the sheep recognize his voice. He calls his own sheep by name and leads them out. When he gets them all out, he leads them and they follow because they are familiar with his voice." John 10:2-4 MSG

The first thing that struck me was our sheep DO know my voice.  Every day when I walk into the barn I greet them with either "Hi babies!" or "How are my babies today?".  They come to the sides of their pen and look at me.  As we go about catching them, putting them in halters, walking them and working with them in general, I am often caught talking to them.  My kids think I'm crazy. But yesterday I noticed that as I took one from my daughter that was being a little unruly, I put my hands on each side of his face and just talked softly to it...it calmed right down and just stood there.  Other times when they are on the stand to be sheared or to get their hooves trimmed, they get very nervous...so what do I do? I walk over, scratch their noses, get in close and just talk to them. I tell them it's going to be okay and that they are all right. (I promise I haven't completely lost it...I told you I love these sheep!) The sheep have learned that my voice means safety, my hands don't mean harm, and when I am close they will be taken care of (it's probably the food we give them!)

You might be getting my connection by now...The Bible tells us that God is our SHEPHERD.  He takes care of us. He doesn't leave us. When danger is near, He protects us and reassures us that it will be all right.  He doesn't lead us INTO danger and when faced with scary or new tasks, if we look to Him, He will lead us in the right direction. BUT...there's a catch.  Maybe even two catches.
1. We have to know His voice so that we can follow Him.
2. We have to actually trust and follow Him.
So, on number 1--Just like the sheep, we have our own free will...the first time I go in the barn each year with the baby lambs...they don't know my voice or trust me.  But as I spend more and more time with them, they have learned it and trust me.  Do I spend time with God? Do I know God's voice so well?  Do I take the time to listen? Do I hear it in the midst of the noise of life? Am I diving into HIS word, the scriptures so that His voice becomes clearer to me?  Am I learning to know when He is speaking to me, like the sheep do with me?

On number 2--The sheep have learned that I am safe and when I speak to them soothingly, they know it will be all right. Do they sometimes still choose to be crazy and difficult? Of course. Just like we do in our flawed humanness.  Do I trust Him COMPLETELY and follow Him and the path he puts before me?  Or am I constantly fighting to get away from Him and the path He has chosen because it isn't MY idea?
I WANT TO BE A SHEEP...but more importantly I want to listen to my Shepherd and be led by Him.  I fail at it so often. I'm more stubborn than a sheep...and let me tell you that sheep are STUBBORN! So often I am battling my own way, which causes dangers in the fields of my life...choices that aren't good for me.  If I could just be like a sheep...let the Great Shepherd feed me, take care of me, direct my steps, show me what is best for me, trust Him, and follow Him wherever He goes.
Anyone else want to be a sheep now?

My prayer last night that I wrote in my journal--
Lord, help me to hear you. To undoubtedly know Your voice. To trust You in Your guidance and the unknown. Help me "mindlessly" (of my own mind) follow where YOU lead me.  Amen.

A Word That's Thrown Around

This is the time of year when the word THANKFUL is thrown around a lot.  We are reminding ourselves and others to be grateful for what we have in the spirit of Thanksgiving.  I have been pondering some things the past week or so and figure it's time to write it out...

I promise there's  a point to all of this...bear with me.

I have found myself in the past couple of weeks feeling like things go unnoticed and simply taken for granted.  I have found myself in a few pity parties for myself because others didn't recognize me or show any appreciation.  I'm not going to go into specifics because 1. I don't want to point fingers at people or make them feel like they need to say something to me and 2. I have a greater purpose in this.  I've noticed it's really easy to say thank you for little things...things that are small but out of the ordinary.  For example,
  *Someone holds the door for you. "Thank you"
  *Someone brings you flowers or a treat. "Thank you so much. This made my day."
  *A colleague stands with your class a minute so you can go to the bathroom. "Thanks, I wasn't going to make it one more class!"
  *Someone says "Your hair looks great today!"  "Awwww, thanks I tried something different!"

But you know when it gets to be harder?  When it's the bigger things.  Or the things that we work hard for.  Or the things we have put our hearts into and they go unnoticed (seemingly) and it hurts. Or the things that are simply EXPECTED of us. Examples:
  *You work long hours to complete a project and make it just right...crickets...
  *You get all the laundry done and put away on the same day (WHAT???)...nothing
  *The special meal is made, the table set, and no one wants what you made....whining
  *You go above and beyond in your job...crickets...or worse, credit/thanks goes to someone else.
  *Fill in the blank....
I bet you can come up with your own.  Times that a simple thank you and I appreciate you would have gone a long way...would have made it worth it...would have made it seem like you mattered.
I've been there and I'm pretty sure every one of us has.  Why do we find it so hard to simply notice things and say a kind word?  And why is it so important to me (us) that we are acknowledged...why can't what we do be enough?  This statement may seem odd but I think I'm normal in saying it...I don't do my work, or my duties, or my kindnesses IN ORDER to be thanked...I really don't.  I do them because of who I am and I want to do those things and do them well...and I wish that was truly enough, but darn it...sometimes it's sure nice to know someone cares or notices.  I'm as bad at it as anyone else, so I am not pointing fingers....(well, I'd like to, but this next part that hit me kind of keeps me from doing it!)
So, as I'm driving tonight and trying to let some things go through prayer...I felt a gentle whisper and boy did it smack me in the face...I felt God saying...."you want to be appreciated, yet you are human and so flawed.....how often do you stop to thank ME for the little or the big things that I'm doing in your life?"  OUCH.  I started thinking and it brought tears to my eyes.  I pray and thank Jesus daily, but do I REALLY thank Him for the things He deserves to be thanked for?  Sometimes maybe...but how much do I MISS and I "forget" to thank Him for, or I take it for granted...or I assume He should be doing something, so why do I need to thank Him...it's His JOB to take care of me after all...Wow...are you still with me?  Here I am belly-aching because I'm feeling unappreciated for things that I do...and Jesus is still lovingly holding me near to Him when I brush right past all He does for me every day....besides the fact that He DIED for me...for you...for each of us so that we could have life and we don't deserve it!  And I'm whining????? 

Do I think that means that my feelings are invalid? No. Do I think it is important to say thank you and make people feel good?  Absolutely.  Do I still crave that approval of others and need to know I matter? Yes, if I'm honest.  BUT...I also am reminded that I need to be thankful, grateful and appreciate the blessings that God sends my way EVERY.SINGLE.DAY.  Everything from a sunrise, to gorgeous snowflakes falling, to a warm bed to sleep in, to a friend to text, to safety in traveling, protection from the enemy, for walking beside me daily, for loving me through my selfishness and unlovable-ness, and most of all for the GRACE and MERCY He has bestowed on me, by loving me, sending His Son to die for me, and knowing He watches over me every step of the way. 

So...this is my round about way of encouraging you to be thankful...not just during the month of November...not just for little things...not just for big things...spread your thankfulness around to others.  But start...with Jesus.