30 Years: Always Remembering

 I've sat here staring at her picture and letting my mind wander. Remember. Smile. Cry. Laugh. Wonder at what might have been. 30 years. Such a long time ago, yet only a blink of an eye in some ways. I think of Kiara every day. But on this, the anniversary of her home-going to heaven, the memories are always so vivid and my heart a bit tender. For some reason, this year feels a bit extra tender.  Maybe it's because it is a big year marker. Maybe it's because it's been a rough few months emotionally for me.  Maybe there isn't a specific reason other than I miss her and that I wonder at the what ifs...

Where would she be right now? Would she have a husband and family? (I honestly have no doubt she would.) Would she be working? Where? Would dreams we talked about while driving around have come true for her?

Today as my mind has wandered and friends have reached out to me, I have been flooded with happy memories (and a few not so happy) of our friendship and I can almost hear her laugh again. I have laughed, giggled, cried, and grinned goofily as I remember Kiara Joy. Man I miss that laugh. I see her eyes sparkle, the flip of her hair, hear her voice singing and I am reminded of how blessed I was to have known her and loved her for such a short time. So here are some things I have pictured today as I remember and let myself feel all of the feels...

• Her hugs...oh her hugs were divine. What I wouldn't give...
  
• Writing and passing all the notes to each other (before text messaging ya'all!)
• Singing beside her in choir or at the top of our lungs in my car, anything from Boys to Men, to Simon and Garfunkle, to Reba.
• Driving her to get changed at home before dropping her off at work.
• Her grin and laugh because she really did have so. much. joy.
• Her willingness to forgive and love unconditionally.
• Giggling and talking about who she thought was hot that week! HA! Boy crazy!!!
• Her borrowing clothes and never giving them back!!!
• Singing with her...we were always singing.
• Show choir practices and fun backstage (stories to remain private)
• Her hugs.
• Her laughter.
• Her love for life and all things Michael W. Smith.
  
• Supper at Burger King (chicken sandwiches) but only after getting Mountain Dew from Taco Bell...and there's a whole story about that...once almost getting kicked out because of our Taco Bell cups.
• Her supporting me at tennis meets coming to watch.
• The curly and beautiful way she had of writing.
• Did I mention singing with her? So many memories involving singing.
• Her crush on my brother, which grossed me out.
• Her making a tape for her family of her singing and letting me be part of the recording process.
• Amusement park song booths and our recordings.
• Her sass and spunk that didn't let anyone take advantage of her. 
• Did I mention her laughter, smiles, hugs, and singing???
  

Unfortunately, there are those things that make me feel all the feels and have changed me since that day 30 years ago on May 3, 1992. As it does every year, I remember the phone ringing that night from her parents at the hospital, our last conversation of cancelled plans, hurt, the shock, the disbelief, how it felt at school the next day, sitting as a choir in silence except for sobs, every moment of the viewing and funeral, singing a last song for her as a choir, sitting at the cemetery the night of her funeral in the dark with a couple of friends, going to school and looking for her or listening for her (because you could usually hear her coming!), being unable to see or pass a train without shivering or having a pit in my stomach and so much more.

I feel like all I have done is ramble and odds are no one has gotten this far in the post. That's okay because I wrote it for me. To remember. To feel. To love. To allow myself to miss her and grieve for what could have been, yet see how knowing her has changed my life.  Sometimes my heart gets stuck in 1992 and it feels like I blinked and it was 30 years later. But how blessed am I that I had someone so dear to me that 30 years later I can look back and remember, feel, laugh, cry, and wonder what might have been. Kiara was definitely a JOY as her name shows. I know she is smiling down on me (and all who knew her) and watching over us. Probably even telling God how to do His job with me. I will never forget. I will always remember. I will always honor your memory on this day. I allow myself the grace to feel all the feels on this day, whatever that means for me in the moment. And, I always thank God for the friendship that He allowed me to have with you, however brief it had to be. I love you always Kiara Joy, Kiki, my best friend, and now my angel.

Kiara Joy Hashberger