Hindsight is 20/20

Hindsight really IS 20/20.  If only we could go back and see it all clearly from the beginning, right?
The story begins 9 weeks ago when my hubby text me that he set up an eye dr. appointment because he was having "trouble" with his vision. Upon further questioning, I discovered that he had a black spot in his vision that was bothering him.  He ended up going in the very same day to the doctor and was told that he had "floaters" in his eye and that it would go away on it's own in 2-6 weeks.  No need to worry unless things got worse or changed in his vision.  3 weeks later, he goes back to eye doctor as he is having flashing (lightning) in his eye along with the dark spots.  Again told they couldn't see any tears or problems and that it should get better on it's own. 3 weeks later, at the 6 week mark, hubby went back to the eye dr but saw the other doctor in the practice.  She thinks she sees "something" and tells him they are making him an appointment with a specialist in less than 2 hours.  Hubby calls me and I rush out of work, leaving no plans for a sub to race him to the appointment an hour away.
Tuesday, September 26--This appointment was crazy in so many ways.  The waiting room was PACKED, and loud with some very interesting characters in it, and we were there for over 4 hours.  They dilated his eyes in the waiting room, and then called him back to a room a couple of different times, before actually seeing a doctor.  They check out BOTH eyes as standard procedure on the first visit.   I'll leave out a lot of details for time's sake...After inspecting both eyes and taking notes and dictation, we discover that BOTH eyes have detached retinas.  We were shocked to say the least.  We told the Dr. that he is only having trouble with one eye...the "bad eye" as we call it was 70% detached with some small tears in it as well.  The "good eye" had a lesser detachment with some small tears.  Both eyes need surgery as soon as possible.  The doctor was hopeful that the good eye could be taken care of in the office with a laser procedure, but the bad eye would need full invasive surgery that would require hubby to be face down, head down for at least 2 weeks and off work 4-6 weeks. 

Wednesday, September 27--Still in complete shock, we go for the laser surgery in the good eye.  The visit lasts approximately 3 hours.  They bring me back to the room after the surgery to tell us that the surgery was NOT successful and he will have to undergo the more invasive surgery on this eye as well...as soon as the bad eye heals from it's surgery.  We were very disappointed, yet still in shock. We headed to Grant's football game as it would be the last one Phil would be able to attend this year.

Thursday, September 28--We go for the full invasive surgery in the late afternoon.  They tell me the surgery will last for 1 1/2 hours.  After 2 1/2 hours I'm pacing the room worrying.  Finally he comes in to tell me that it was a much more difficult surgery than he thought and it was a very tough fix, but that it did indeed go well. We got home about 12:45 AM and had to be back at the doctor for post op at 8:30.  It was a rough night of sleep for us both with Phil having pain and having to be face down.

Friday, September 29--Post op appointment went well and we go home and sleep!!!  I left Phil alone to go to Brock's football game...and was so nervous leaving him with one eye ;)

The next 2 weeks appointments--Twice a week appointments (with my dad driving him--thankfully), drops 4 times a day (I come home at lunch to do drops) and still face down.  We found out some more challenging news.  The full surgery did not completely re-attach the retina.  It is still 10% detached.  He has a change in eye drops, and additional exercises to do to try to help the attachment "take" and close up.

This week, Tuesday, October 17--the exercises have worked and it is very likely that his "bad eye" is going to heal up nicely and not need additional surgery.  After 3 weeks, he is STILL face down 22+ hours a day.  He is staying positive, but it is hard to be face down and basically miss out on life with us.  We go again on Friday to make sure that the bad eye is indeed reattaching properly and at that point will begin this whole process on the "good eye"!  Goodness!!!!

Honestly, if we hadn't waited 6 weeks to see the specialist, the story may have been different.  The detachment less severe or maybe only torn and major surgery prevented.  But we can't go back and have that hindsight.  For whatever reason, it was missed in BOTH eyes and we don't know why...but it was.  It is what it is, so we move forward and deal with the cards we were dealt.  We are hopeful and feeling good about the end results...it's just a long road to get there.

My hubby is a very private person, so I haven't posted "formally" about our challenges in the last 9 weeks.  I've been meaning to blog, because writing it out is so very therapeutic for me, but honestly haven't had the energy or the time...So that's us for the last 9 weeks.  The last 3 weeks have been stressful, emotional, exhausting, overwhelming, scary, etc...And although this post is mostly the facts and basics of what is happening...We have seen God work in amazing ways.  He has been present and provided for us each step of the way...emotionally, spiritually, physically, financially, etc. 

I will try to post updates here for those that are interested.  From now on, the updates should be shorter.  I should've started blogging 3 weeks ago, huh??? :)

Be More Bob!

Yesterday, I had the privilege of speaking at a memorial/dedication service for Bob Pickell at school.  We dedicated "buddy benches" in his honor and also a tree that was planted in his memory.  The following is the speech I read to the students of Webster School and community members.  I miss you Bob!  

I had the privilege of knowing Mr. Pickell for nearly 30 years. I was lucky enough to have him as a teacher in grades 6-12, a mentor throughout my teaching career, and so very lucky to also call him friend.  In trying to figure out what to say today, my mind was flooded with memories that I could share. There aren’t enough words or memories to share exactly what Mr. Pickell meant to me. But I came up with a few words that I think describe Mr. Pickell and the influence he had on all of us.

First, he was passionate.  He believed in what he did and did it every day filled with passion. Filled with a purpose of sharing with others in all kinds of ways.  It doesn’t matter how you knew him,  or even how well you knew him…you knew what he was passionate about. About teaching, about music, about life, about his Ball State Cardinals, about his family.  He poured that passion into all of us.

He was fun-loving. I bet everyone here remembers his smile and his big hearty laugh, am I right?  He loved to laugh, tease, make “punny” jokes, smile, laugh some more.  Even in the midst of a serious discussion or topic, he would find something to laugh at or even get that little smirk on his face and twinkle in his eye that made others laugh.  That’s one of the things I miss the most. He didn’t take life seriously all of the time. He embraced it and enjoyed it.  

He was generous. With his time, his talents, his expertise. Not because he wanted to be recognized or to look good, but because it’s who he was.  He collected pop tabs for Riley’s, plastic caps here at Webster, lent a hand wherever he was needed...  Served on committees, attended meetings on his own time…Why? For the betterment of others.  Not for himself…He gave and he gave and he gave of himself…to his students, the community, his schools, his friends, his family.  

He was a coffee-drinker.  I know that’s not a normal character trait, but I simply had to put it in there…he LOVED. HIS. COFFEE.  I remember as far back as jr. high seeing coffee mug rings on papers on his desk.  He would fill and refill and refill his coffee all day long.  Every time we met at school he would ask me if I wanted coffee.  I love coffee…I really do, but not all day every day.  So you see, it is a trait of his :)

He was kind.  Kind doesn’t really explain it all though does it?  He was a special KIND of kind. He didn’t know a stranger.  He befriended the friendless.  He sought out those that needed a friendly face.  He came along-side kids and adults of all shapes, sizes and backgrounds.  He loved people. He had a way of making you feel special and loved, just by being around him. Life was just better when Bob was around. 

I’m proud to say that I teach music and have followed in his footsteps.  I’m honored to continue his legacy.  My challenge to each of us, including myself, is to not just remember Mr. Pickell and his awesome qualities but to strive to be like Mr. Pickell (well, maybe all but the coffee-drinking :)).  When you see these benches and the tree that is planted, may we remember how he made us laugh and smile. How he cared. And then strive to be like him. Let Mr. Pickell’s legacy live on in each one of us and never forget the impact he had on our lives.  To be kind, generous, fun-loving and passionate about life and about others.  Be more Bob.

25 years without her...

If you know me, you know that I am a "dates" person.  I remember dates...birthdays, anniversaries, special moments, anniversaries of events, etc...I don't know why but I do.  They are important to me for some reason and I have no idea why.  The first week of May is full of "dates" that I remember vividly and each year I think...I'm not going to remember every detail, yet every year I do.  25 years later and I still do.  Sunday I woke up and remembered that 25 years ago I was playing a tennis meet at Bremen that day and my friend Kiara came to watch with my mom.  I can even remember what she was wearing.  Monday, I remembered that I cancelled plans with Kiara because my Grandpa had a heart attack and was in the hospital so I went to see him. I remember the words Kiara said to me as we hung up the phone that evening.  This morning I woke up and despite trying NOT to remember, remembered that 25 years ago I was preparing to take the SAT, and go to tennis practice where I broke the strings on my racket.  I remember that later on I went to the drive-in movie with my boyfriend to see a movie I still can't stand to this day (likely because of the events, not the movie maybe).  I remember coming home that night and watching Saturday Night Live before going to bed. And I remember the sound of the phone ringing, that awful sound that changed me forever. I remember knowing something wasn't right before the words even came out of my parent's mouths.  And I remember them telling me that the phone call was Kiara's parents...from there I knew...I remember the pain...feeling like I was being tortured and everything else being a fog.  I remember a sweet friend arriving on my doorstep early to be sure I knew.  Going to church and slipping out the back with a friend because I just couldn't sit there.  Going to the school to grieve with my Crimson Connection family (show choir)....and I could go on for the rest of the week and even months from there.  It is vivid. The days leading up to Kiara's death and the time in the weeks after are a blur, yet so vivid all at the same time.

And now...25 years later...I still miss her.  Long to hear her voice, her laugh, see her beautiful smile, feel her awesome hugs.  I still hurt.  Somehow I thought a milestone like 25 years would mean that the hurt would fade away, that I would pause to remember with a smile and then move on.  I was wrong.  And even though her actual date of death is May 3, this day, May 2 is always so hard for me...it was her last day on earth.  25 years.  I keep saying that, because for one it makes me realize how old I am, but also because it feels like such a short time ago.   The hurt doesn't go away...I'm realizing that.  It has changed, but I think this week will always be hard for me...I will always remember and grieve and miss her.

I feel cheated in a lot of ways.  We had PLANS!!!!  We were going to go to college, become music teachers and raise our kids as friends...Its interesting to read through some of our notes (we didn't text back then!!!) and see that we had talked about life separated.  She was going off to college in Colorado and I had one more year of high school.  We began preparing for that...funny now that God was preparing much differently.  But even though I feel cheated in ways...I feel so incredibly blessed to have known Kiara.  To sing with her, laugh with her, roll our eyes together, hug her, get kicked out of Burger King together, sing Reba on the way to school together, write notes to her and get them from her, to have fought with her because that brought us closer, to share secrets and dreams together, to laugh with her (yes I know I said that, but we laughed a lot), do our hair together, talk about boys (no names mentioned here) and to be loved by her because she loved passionately and to share our love of God with each other.  There is so much that I have gained from knowing her, loving her, being loved by her and throughout this journey of grief. I would  give up much to have her back...I still think of her every day, every time I say my own daughter's name.  But tonight I'm thankful that I knew her, that I can remember, that I was blessed that God allowed me a short time with her.  I could write so much and share so much of what I have learned and how I've grown in my faith and such.  But tonight, I just want to remember her, grieve for her, smile and laugh at the memories and just BE.  Thank you for allowing me to do that.
Kiki, Kiara Joy, Kiara, Ki---I'll love you forever and then some.  So thankful to know that you are rejoicing in heaven and watching over me...I'll never forget or stop missing you.

Celebrating, a year later

I have an affinity to dates.  I remember dates of birthdays, anniversaries, key moments in life.  When I say I remember, I'm not kidding.  I can tell you dates of elementary school friends birthdays that I haven't talked to in forever....it's a weird thing, because often I can't remember what the actual date of TODAY is, but can tell you a zillion other "important" dates.
So, it was no surprise to me that I have been anticipating February 25 for weeks now...If you know me and have followed my journey, you know that I suffered from neck pain for 12+ years and we couldn't figure out what was wrong or how to fix it.  If you want details of all of that, just go back through my plethora of posts over the years to see everything I have tried in order to find healing, from drinking clay, to crazy diets, to shots, to acupuncture, to mental imagery, to nose surgery, mouth appliances...it is an incredibly long list.  BUT, last year on February 25 I had my last procedure done.  I had a doctor (Dr. K) that would NOT give up on me.  He believed me in my pain and wouldn't rest until he had tried everything he could think of to heal me. It all happened by chance that he had a patient have a procedure done for different reasons and resulted in the release of her neck pain.  A week later, I had a checkup with him and he was so excited to see me and tell me about it.  Within another week, on February 25, 2016 (a very snowy Thursday)...I was having the same procedure where they would "un-tie" my tongue.  The healing release was nearly immediate, although it took weeks for me to tell people as I was scared I would jinx it and the pain would return.  Looking back a year later, I am in awe of the journey God took me on in the 12+ years of pain.  As I sat yesterday reflecting, I was going over in my mind the whole timeline of that day...what I was doing, when I was actually sitting in the chair, the emotions that I felt, the after-tongue-tie appointment with the therapist the same day....It brought me such joy to say, a year ago at this very moment, I was having surgery on my tongue and saying goodbye to pain. Thank you Jesus!
It's a year out now.  I have been mostly pain free for an entire year.  An entire year.  Just a couple months before this surgery I was praying and asking God to help me be "okay" with not being healed and to help me find a way to live with the pain for always.  So what's been happening?
I feel GREAT!  I'm rebuilding strength still in my upper body, after babying it for 12+ years.  I feel a little stronger every week.  I'm doing workouts that a year or two ago, I NEVER would have been able to do.  I have energy left at the end of the day.  It used to be that I would "survive" the day and then after faking it all day long with my students I had NOTHING left to give my family, no patience, no energy, just grouchiness and the desire to just be done and lay down.  NOW???? I come home with a smile (mostly, haha), and energy left to give my family.  I don't fall into bed at night praying I can sleep through the pain.  I don't take or rely on tylenol every day...You guys, I helped keep the company in business for 12 years...I'm worried they aren't making money anymore without me! HA!!!  I work out and push myself to be a better, stronger me. I'm a happier person.
I've said before that although this journey was awful at times and I didn't know how to take the next step or how I would make it through a day...I wouldn't change a thing.  God grew me, drew me to him, made me question Him and dig deeper into what I believed.  I had to live out my faith.  It was no longer just something I said I believed, I had to believe it to my core, or I couldn't have made it through.  How do people do life without Jesus???  I don't know.  But those 12+ years are crucial to my faith and where it is at today...This past year has been pivotal as well...I get up and am daily thankful for health and healing.  There are days, like last weekend when I ran 2 miles (I am sooo not a runner) and it was nearly my fastest 2 miles in my adult life, where I cried up the drive way because I was giving all praise and glory to Jesus for the healing and the ability to rebuild myself.
The last year has been good...better than good...I am blessed.  Forever, February 25 will be a day that I celebrate... that I am thankful... that I think of my journey... that I reflect on God's goodness and faithfulness...that I remind myself of how far I have come in my journey with Christ and in life.  It may not be a special day to you, and according to the calendar it is just another day...but to me...It is a date that I cherish and celebrate greatly!  Thank you Jesus for a great first year of being healed...here's to many more!

The Show Must Go On

I'm sitting here tonight on the eve of my very first concert at my new schools.  This is my 19th year of teaching...I've done A LOT of concerts...this is not a new experience for me, yet it is a first at my new schools, so I'm nervous....about what parents, teachers, colleagues, administrators will think. Like I said, this is not new to me but this year is different.  So. Very. Different.
You may know that when I decided to switch schools this year, I was taking the place of a retiring teacher in our district.  He was my teacher from grades 6-12, my mentor as I grew into the teaching profession, my colleague, and had grown to be my close friend. He was excited to be retiring and excited that I would be taking his place and assured me that he would help me this first year to figure things out.  That was simply not to be.  On July 1, Bob had an accident at his home and passed away later that day, just one month into retirement.  I have a whole different blog post in my mind that I want to write about him and honor him but tonight on the eve of my first concert in these buildings, my heart is a bit heavy.  I've got emotions running all over the place.  I'm excited like I always am for a concert, yet the expectation and pressure to "live up to Bob" is pressing in and I'm anxious and nervous.  You see, Bob was loved.  REALLY loved.  The kids loved him.  The parents loved him.  The staff loved him.  I loved him. Dearly.  His personality was dynamic and drew people to him...now with him gone I feel this pressure to live up to him.  I have realized that the pressure is mostly put on me by ME.  Not others.  I don't hear people saying things to make me feel like they have these expectations or that they are waiting for me to prove myself...but I have put that on myself.  It seems so important for me to put on a concert that would make him proud of me.  But the really crazy thing?  I already KNOW he is proud of me.  He supported me 100% and was excited for me to be the one to take over for him.  He told me he was proud of me.  He told the students ahead of time how I would do a great job and they would love me.  So why do I feel this pressure?  Why?  I'm not really sure.  He told me at one of our last school meetings that he wanted me to come in and make it my own, to not just do the things that he did, unless I wanted to.  So, I KNOW he truly wanted me to do that.  That is what I have done.  I think what I wrestle with in this is that I don't get to hear it from him after the concert.  He won't send me a text telling me to "Break a leg kiddo", like he did each concert in past years. I won't be able to share funny stories of mishaps and silly mistakes that occur.   I know that if Bob were still alive he would've come to some of the concerts this year and I can even hear the words he would say to me at the end of the concert..."Great job kiddo!  I knew you'd do great!"  I guess what I need to remember is that I don't have to "Live up to Bob", I just need to honor him in living up to myself.  So as I go out to lead the students in my concert tomorrow night and again next week in my other building, I need to have fun, enjoy the kids, take it all in stride and know that Bob is smiling down on me, proud of me and rooting for me.  I miss him.  Terribly.  But as he would also tell me, "The show must go on."  And it will...

No longer tongue-tied

Okay...oops!  It's been 5 months since my last post when I was preparing for a minor tongue surgery to "un-tie" my tongue.  The brief recap for a reminder was that my doctor had someone that had her tongue untied and it resulted in the disappearance of neck pain...after 12 1/2 years and trying some VERY bizarre things, I decided to go for it and have the surgery.  It wouldn't hurt me in any way, so there was really nothing to lose.  So, back on February 25, on a very snowy day, I headed north for the surgery.  The actual surgery was very quick...the numbing took the longest while he waited to be sure I was numb.  I sat nervously in the chair praying that this would be "it", that it wouldn't hurt, that my singing/speech wouldn't be effected, that God would give me strength and peace no matter what the outcome.  Once he started it took only about 5-7 minutes and was uncomfortable but not necessarily painful.  Before hand he had told me that some patients have immediate relief and others it was a gradual decline...we all know what I was hoping for.  As I sat up and moved around a little bit I kept telling myself not to be too hopeful, to just stay calm and wait and see.  They asked me if I wanted to see it and I said no because I just couldn't imagine what it would look like and was already feeling a bit queasy.  But I only got to the car before pulling down the visor to take a look.  This is what I saw...

I thought...Oh my word, I have a hole in my tongue!!!  It looked so bizarre to me!  I had to go to the tongue therapist an hour and a half later and I couldn't stop moving my tongue all around to see how far it would move.  The therapist worked with me and gave me exercises to do 3 times per day so that it didn't heal closed again.  I did my exercises religiously.  So the next week people asked me over and over and over and...you get the idea...if it had helped or not and I kept saying that it was too soon to tell.  After a week, I sat the hubby down and broke the news to him...I was almost COMPLETELY PAIN FREE!!!!  Shut the front door, right?  In fact, I had been nearly pain free from the moment of the surgery, but I kept thinking that it was just the placebo effect and waiting for the pain to return.
Two weeks after surgery I woke up and was back up to a level 5 or 6 of pain and just bawled...how could this be happening?  I had my check up from the surgery that week and my main doctor happened to walk by and spotted me in there so he stopped to give me a quick exam and see how I was.  I told him I had been nearly pain free for 2 weeks, but then it had come back the past weekend.  He assured me it could just be a set back and also asked if I had a cold or any other sickness symptoms.  I did not and he told me it wouldn't surprise him if I got sick within the next few days.  He explained that any infection or illness is going to start at the weakest area of my body every time, so my neck may be the first to feel any illness for years to come. Would you believe I was in bed sick the entire weekend that weekend???  And every day after that the pain lessened until I was back to nearly pain free.  Not joking at all, ya'll!!!
Since the surgery I have had several times of those short set-backs and it lasts a couple days before easing up again.  You guys...I have been nearly pain free for 5 months now!!!!  I can't even tell you what that feels like after 12 1/2 years of pain.  My energy level skyrocketed.  I got very silly and happy both at school and home.  Students asked me if I had more coffee than normal because I was in such a good mood and extra crazy!  Before we told my kids, they too asked why I was so happy.  Just 1 1/2 months after the surgery I began running again...not far and not fast but I was running twice a week! (Since had to take a break due to a hip issue...but it wasn't because of my neck!!!!) 
I know this all sounds crazy, right?  I know but seriously this is real and I feel awesome!   There are so many details I could give that would amaze you in my progress and abilities now, but I have to stop and just give complete glory to God in this.  My doctor apologized that it took him so long to think of this as I'd been seeing him for over 2 year.  I teared up and told him I wouldn't change a thing.  And I really wouldn't...every low point, had a purpose and God revealed Himself to me...my relationship with God grew in leaps and bounds that wouldn't have happened if I had been healthy...my story of faith and reliance on God could not be shared without every single step of this 12 1/2 years.  God is so faithful you guys...so incredibly faithful.  He didn't leave me for a second.  His hand was on me the entire time.
Now...what's ironic and so like God...in January I was at a women's IF:gathering conference at our church.  To make a long story short, at the end of the conference we were to write down what we felt God telling us to DO...I stood in front and said that I thought He wanted me to tell my story.  I don't remember my exact words, but the essence was I felt He wanted to loosen my tongue so be able to speak boldly about his awesomeness in this journey and how he has been revealed to me...I said I had no idea how I would do that (I have thoughts on that, but for a different post).  Isn't it ironic that what healed me AFTER I shared what He was telling me to do, and the healing came through un-tying my tongue...essentially loosening my tongue to tell my story.  Jesus, may I never be tongue-tied in telling of your grace, love, strength and mercy.  Thank you Jesus, for healing, for health, but most of all for the journey...because without it, I would not be who I am today. Amen.

Tongue Tied?

Hi everyone!  Remember me? It has been exactly 6 months to the day since I last posted.  In the past 6 months, I have been going to weekly at first and now bi-weekly appointments to a cranial-sacral therapist and chiropractor.  The ultra-simplified explanation of what cranial-sacral therapy is:  Our spinal cord is surrounded by fluid in an elastic-y encasement.  At times after an injury, this encasement can be bound up and can't reshape on it's own.  The therapy is a retraining of this encasement that takes time to get back to normal, stretching fully.  That is way too simple of an explanation but it would take me paragraphs to explain it better.  She also does some massage and trigger point therapy on problem areas of my muscular structure.  So the short of it...I'm making progress in  the releases and retraining, but I am not noticing a particular difference in my pain levels.  The chiropractor works along side this therapist and that is not going the greatest.  The past few times I have felt more pain in the days after those appointments.

Last week, I went back to my main doctor, Dr. K, for a 6 month check up of the jaw areas and appliance usage. (I still wear a nightly appliance.)  As he did his normal check up and chatted with me to find that I haven't had the pain decrease he had hoped with cranial sacral therapy.  In fact, in the last month or so, I've been having more 5-6 pain level days than before.  I typically hang out at the 4 area with a few 3 days thrown in.  He then starts examining the inside of my mouth, in particular my tongue and how it moves, etc.  He told me that I am "tongue-tied" and that he wonders if they untie it (snip the underneath part of my tongue where it connects to the bottom of the mouth--a frenectomy) if that would help.  I had to have had a dumbfounded look on my face!!!  He proceeded to tell me of a case that he had where they did this procedure on someone and when she came in for a check up stated that the neck pain she had been experiencing was completely gone (this was not her initial reason for the procedure).  He then got his associate to come look at me without giving him any information on my neck.  Dr. K told me that he didn't think he was just grasping at straws to help me, but he wanted to get a 2nd opinion so that he was sure he was being objective. The second dentist agreed that my tongue was indeed tied too tightly and asked me a lot of questions.  Finally, we told him a little of my story and without hesitation he said "I think you need to do this."  My head was spinning.  I asked a few more questions, they gave me some more examples of those that had been helped greatly with this procedure.  Before I left the office I had hand-outs, an appointment for it scheduled with the stipulation that I would do my own research and talk to my hubby about it, and the phone number of a "mouth therapist" that I will need to see prior to and after the procedure.

So, one week later, I'm getting ready for a minor surgical procedure tomorrow (Thursday, February 25)!!  I met with the therapist on Tuesday night and have exercises that I'm learning to do.  I meet with her again after the surgery tomorrow as well (weather allowing).  She told me of a couple cases she has seen where pain has left  as soon as the procedure is done.  If I'm honest...I'm scared.  Of so many things.  Scared to have it done (who enjoys surgery). Scared of having hope that it will work.  Scared of the disappointment that will come if it doesn't work.  Scared of having faith that this is what God is going to use to cure me.  Scared of NOT having faith that God has sent this to me.  I have tried so many things.  So many things and so many doctors.  Could it really come down to un-tying my tongue???  Crazy right?  Yet, even in my fear, which I know is NOT of God...God has presented himself to me so well...a devotional that smacked me in the eyes about how God provides in his timing, texts from a couple different friends that were exactly what I needed to hear, scripture that speaks to me, facebook posts that hit where I need them to.  He is simply amazing, isn't He?  And so, as I face this fear and this procedure, I'm trusting in His promise to never leave me or forsake me...and I know that whether I am elated or disappointed, that He still stands and will not leave me for a second.  So, I will praise Him and trust Him, even if I don't like the answer.
The next post should just flow off my tongue, right?  I mean, I definitely won't be tongue tied any more! HA!