Simply Numb

I'm not sure what to say or how to begin this post.  I usually just start typing and the words flow.  Not so much this time.  I went back to the shot doctor tonight, Dr. C.  And that's where my brain just sort of stops.  To give me an idea of where I could start, I re-read my blog from the last appointment...below is an excerpt from it...

"Dr. C told me if these shots do not help me, he is stumped again.  Translation...he won't know what to do with me again and this journey basically has halted again.  I'm nervous.  I'm scared that it won't work.  I'm scared of having to start over.  I'm scared of just giving up again.  I'm scared of this pain that has been here for 11 years tomorrow (Nov 9).  I'm scared of hoping to be disappointed again. "

Back to today...the pain levels have not lowered since my last round of shots.  He felt that this would do the trick and it has not.  I'm still in pain. EVERY day. The shots have NOT worked.  He is stumped with me and the journey has halted. He says that there isn't anything else that he knows to do. He told me he was sorry, and I just sat there nodding. He even asked me if I was understanding what he was saying because I was calm and not crying.  I understand. But I'm numb. I'm simply numb.  He did tell me that when I go back to Dr. K at the end of January we can see if he finds something additional to look at, but that looks fairly unlikely at this point.   All of this hope, all of this last 8 months are swirling around me and I feel numb. How can this be?  THIS was supposed to be the answer.  My jaw is fixed, my foot and lower back are fixed.  Why can't my neck be fixed? 11 years...So, I sit here tonight wondering what is next? Is this journey over?  Do I just accept this life of pain?  If so, HOW do I accept it? Where do I go from here...physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually...???  And when the numbness wears off...how will I react to this?  And then I read another portion of my last post when I had just gotten the last set of shots...

"And even though I'm scared of all of those things, I KNOW without a doubt that God will sustain me.  He has for 11 years, so why on earth would He leave me now???  He won't.  He holds me, sustains me and gives me daily strength...so I'm trying not to focus on the scary stuff...but just to breathe in and out and trust that God's plan is bigger than any that I have for myself."

So, I don't know what's next.  I don't even know how I will feel in the morning.  I sit here tonight with my gluten free, sugar free, dairy free "Frosty" and put Hershey's syrup on it to cheat a little and comfort myself...wondering when my world will stop spinning and when I will lose this numbness...I do know that God will sustain me and give me daily strength. He has proven Himself over and over and so I know He won't leave me now. But right now, a single tear rolls down my cheek, and I wait on Him to help me breathe in and out and show me His plan in this...a plan to use all of this for His glory...

Long Overdue #2

Part #2 is not nearly as "fun" to report for me.  After the news of the previous week of weaning off of the day appliance and how improved things were for me structurally...I was off to Dr. C, "the shot doc".  We have such a love/hate relationship...I love his care for me as a patient...I hate his actual treatments :)  So, after a delay because of strep throat, I headed off to Dr. C.  This time I had my mom and Kiara take me there, as it was pretty rough the last time.  I knew I was getting shots in my foot, per Dr. K, but I wasn't sure about the shots for my back/butt area.  After evaluating/talking to me, he started in with the shots on my foot.  He felt that this relapse injury wasn't a big deal and probably had more to do with me standing and teaching versus being on summer break.  He said one round of shots should take care of it.  He then moved on to test my lower back/butt area. Unfortunately it was still very flared up and he decided to be extremely aggressive (his words) in attacking these spots.  For those who don't remember...these shots are called "prolotherapy" and the simplest explanation is that it shoots inflammation into specific areas, with the idea that the white blood cells will attack and heal in those areas.  So, basically I am purposely inflaming already injured areas.  Now, I've gotten quite a few shots from this doctor in a variety of places on my body (foot, neck, upper back, head and now lower back and butt).  I've cringed, held my breath, and gripped the arm rests before, but this was a new experience. I did all of those things, along with a slight wimper, spasms and actual tears.  He talked to me the whole time and kept asking if I was doing okay and if he needed to stop. I was slightly embarrassed that I actually cried during this until he told me that he was extremely aggressive and he knew that I was probably going to do that.  He was VERY glad that I had my mom drive me and it only took about 10 minutes after leaving the office before I was BEYOND glad that she had driven me.   By the time we got home, I couldn't stand up straight and it hurt to move my body at all. I was in tears and a mess emotionally.  I grabbed a bite to eat and went to prop myself up in bed to do my Bible study homework and devotions.  To put it mildly I was a mess.  I was in tears and honestly couldn't pray.  I just said, "Jesus, Help".
As I opened my Bible Study, I found that we were discussing suffering in our lives being used for good and the scripture jumped off the page at me, as tears rolled down my face.  I still was crying out, "Jesus, HELP"!  I had to answer the question of how God worked in the life of Joseph in the midst of his suffering.  I was FORCED to look and acknowledge what was good in Joseph's (and obviously mine) in the midst of his suffering and enslavement of his life (the story of Joseph's life is in Genesis).  I half-smiled through the tears and pain and whispered,  "Thank you for the reminder, Lord".  As I was reading, a friend text me to tell me she was praying for me, as she knew that I had shots and she was standing in the gap for me..."Thank you Lord".  As I picked up my devotional to dive into that, my phone went off indicating I had a new message on Facebook.  As I clicked on it to read it, my mouth dropped open, a sob escaped and again, "Thank you Jesus!".  A brother in Christ from church, sent a message asking if everything was okay because he had a strong urge all day to lift me in prayer.  He had NO idea that I was getting shots. As I wrote him back I told him that God was simply amazing and explained it all.  Funny thing is that I felt a peace wash over me...I still felt awful physically...the level of pain was extremely intense and I didn't know how I was going to sleep, shower, go to school, etc...but I KNEW without a doubt that my God was present and cared... and he was telling me JUST that.  Then, as if I needed further confirmation...I opened up my devotional for the day and again, tears poured down my face.  A small excerpt taken from Jesus Calling (Sarah Young) devotional, " Be willing to follow wherever I lead...Though you don't know what lies ahead, I know; and that is enough!...Some of My richest blessings are just around the bend...you must walk by faith--not by sight...Let my light continue to shine within you as you walk among people again."
THANK YOU JESUS!  Wow!  I was in awe of His greatness, His mercy, His love for me, and the knowledge that He wasn't leaving me, even when all I could do was cry His name.  What a powerful time it was that night.  I was able to sleep through the night very soundly and although very stiff and sore the next day, was able to go to school and teach (with a no-hug-Mrs-Witmer-day).
God is good...All the time.  And when I felt like the world was shaking...you guessed it...He held me still.  Thank you Jesus! 
P.S. I have since been back to the main doc, Dr. K...so I have a new post needing to be written...back to the shot doc this week too...prayers appreciated!

Long over-due update #1

I labeled this number 1 as I know that it will be too long to post all in one. I have been avoiding writing it because of this, so hopefully in 2 posts it won't be so hard.  In the last post I had just seen Dr. K and was preparing for my shot doctor the next week (sept 23). Unfortunately I ended up with strep throat and had to reschedule the appt for October 6. That will be for the next post.
I went back to Dr. K on September 30 for a long and detailed appointment.  It was an appointment much like the very first appointment where they did tons of measurements, took pictures of me at all angles, did a full head CT scan, did a biting vibration test, rating my pain levels throughout my body...you name it and the test was run! Ha, at least it felt like it! When he went through the results with me and compared it to the test/pictures taken back in June, it was very interesting to see. There was great improvement in nearly every area.  Even my posture was different, which he attributed some to the mouth appliances and some to the surgery on my nose for the most part, as well as to my lessened neck pain.  After going through all of the results, he told me that we were going to begin weaning off of my day appliance. This is exciting and nerve wracking a bit for me.  But in my mind...I'm still thinking, "but my neck pain is still there....why are we stopping?"  More on that in a bit.  Anyway, the weaning process is about a 5 week process. Each week I have the day appliance out for longer and longer periods of time. The first week I only had it out in one hour increments.  I am now up to four hour stretches, which really means that I mostly have it in to eat and then have it mostly out.  I will wear it to eat for awhile, as the time the jaw is injured the most, is when we are chewing. (interesting factoid 😄). My night appliance will be worn fairly long term. He didn't really give me a time frame on that one.  It will depend how my check ups go and if progress is still being made or maintained. It is going well with weaning and I'm anxious to see how my "tests" show if I am adapting well to it.
So back to my thought of the neck pain still being there...at this point with my jaw being mostly healed up, the nose healed, the shot doctor is where the neck pain will be treated from here on out with direction and guidance still from Dr. K.  At this point, my neck is still not showing up as the primary injury point to be treated. It is my foot and back. More on that in the next post.  As I said above, my tests showed great results on treating my jaw and the doc was very pleased.  He made a comment about as I return for my check ups, we will see if I continue to pass the tests or if I will fail them long term and having jaw pain return.  If jaw pain returns with the weaning off of the day appliance I am to put it back in and call them for an appointment to discuss options. Well, first of all, I never really thought I had that much jaw pain in the first place. So, how will I know if it returns? The dental assistant and doc were so patient with me. Hers is a case like mine and she never felt much jaw pain and things went smoothly until her 6 month check up where she "failed" the testing.  I asked her what happens then?  She said that the dr would completely re-evaluate and move onto step 2 of the process, which could be orthodontics, surgery or other.  This discouraged me to a point, as I don't want to do that...for lots of reasons but that would be a whole new round of bills and I don't know how we would do that at this point.  BUT, God has been amazing through this, so why wouldn't He continue to be amazing, right? So after this appointment, I had joy at seeing the improvements in my tests, discouragement that I still have neck pain and that it has actually increased a bit again, worry over what this process will look like, unclear on what the rest of this process will really be with shot doc and just a feeling of being overwhelmed. There was good news, but also lots of uncertainty. That is hard,especially for a planner like me...but I'm trusting in God's timing and plan in all of this and grateful for a family who picks up the slack...
The next post...the shot doctor...it will be a good one...not fun at all, but definitely full of God's presence and plan.  He IS awesome all the time!  Until the next post...hoping and believing...

My Foot...Really?

An update from my last post...I went to my main doctor, Dr. K, on Friday morning.  He started out reminding me that pain showing up in other areas of my body is a normal thing.  What concerned him was the multiple areas it was showing up.  He told me he had a hunch what it was, but wanted to do the strength and balance testing on me to determine if he was correct.  After doing these tests, I was pretty sure that I knew what it was as well, based on my past experiences with him and this testing.  I have somehow re-injured my foot that we worked on early in the summer.  He asked me if I had pain in my foot, and like in June, I said "No."  Then he pushed his thumb into the same area and like before, it hurt quite a lot.  We are not sure at this point WHY it has been re-injured, and that is something that I will need to talk over with Dr #2, Dr. C, otherwise known as my "shot doc". It could be something as simple as the shoes I am wearing, or it could be the way I walk, or exercise...we don't really know.  He likened it to walking with a small stone in your shoe...you adapt to it being there, but because you are adapting, you walk a little bit differently, which in turn creates the issues in the hips and that spreads to the legs, and the back, etc...He put me back in a toe orthotic, basically a splint to keep my toes separated. I must wear this at all times until I got to Dr. C on Tuesday evening.  At that point I will more than likely get shots in my foot like before and need to have it taped all of the time like before as well.  The odds are also high that I will be getting more shots in my lower back/butt region. Ugh.  Although I dread the shots and the after-effects, if it will help...I'm ready. 

Dr. K was very supportive and encouraging to me.  He agreed this feels like a step back for me. BUT, he also talked about my other strength tests, which are showing that my jaw issues are remaining intact and strong.  His goal is that when I go back on September 30 for a full re-evaluation, that we will be able to start weaning off of my day mouth appliance.  The night appliance I will have for quite some time.  So, there is progress, even if I don't necessarily feel it.

Speaking of my appliances...I forgot to put in one of my last posts about how one night I was making sure I had all of the food out of my appliance once I put it back in my mouth and I noticed "something" right in the front.  I took it out and tried cleaning it to no avail...I had cracked the appliance right in the middle (front of my mouth).  I cried, couldn't eat, was so overwhelmed because I was going to have to replace it and it was NOT cheap to replace.  I was a mess. I had people praying about it and my own prayer was that SOMEHOW they would replace it for me for free or tell me I was to be done with it.   Luckily I was going the next day to see him, but I stayed a mess all that day.  When I got there and I showed him, without hesitation he said, "Oh, that's no big deal.  I broke mine completely in half right there and wore it in two pieces!"  he told me that the only way I had to replace it was if I broke it farther back.  I started crying and told him I sure wish he had told me that the night before! :)  God is good...I didn't have to replace it (no cost or new impressions) and it was no big deal even if it breaks completely.  God is so good! :)
That's all for now...shot doctor on Tuesday, the 23rd...Prayers that the shots wouldn't be as rough this time or in the recovery time...
By the way...I have no idea why the middle is highlighted and I can't get it to turn off...so think of it as added decoration for your viewing pleasure :)

In the valley, but looking up...

I write tonight with somewhat of a heavy heart, yet still hopeful.  May not make sense, but it's where I am at.  In the last 1-2 weeks, my pain has increased quite a bit in my neck.  It has spread out into my upper shoulders and down into my arms a bit.  I am having a lot of difficulty sleeping at night from pains in a lot of new areas of my body.  My hips, down the sides of my thighs, lower back, arms and head.  I wake up and I feel like I'm waking up after a night of working out hard...hurting where I didn't realize I could hurt.  I feel like I'm in a 90 year old body and really struggling.  I've had a couple of migraines in the last week and been in tears more often than I would like to admit.  I had kept it to myself a lot. I felt like if I told someone how much I was hurting and that it was spreading, that it would mean that all of my progress was for nothing and all of the money I am spending on this new treatment was a waste.  Finally, I sat down and told Phil how I was feeling and that I was freaking out a little bit.  I have an appointment with my "shot doc", Dr. C next Tuesday (23rd), but normally the main doc, Dr. K, tells Dr. C what he should be taking a look at and possibly working on.  (sidenote: I'm not positive how it is that he knows where I need to be looked at, but it is all with strength and balance testing).  Anyway, I don't go back to Dr. K until the 30th...so, Phil and I decided that I should email Dr. K and let him know that things were changing and ask him if I was 1. going backwards in healing, 2. if it was a normal dip/valley to go through, 3. if I was falling apart or 4. if I am going crazy???  I explained the timeline of going to Dr. C.   It felt good just to write the email...an hour later (11:00 PM) he wrote me back.  (Can I say again...I love this doctor!!!!)  Anyway, he said it very well could be normal, as he had told me that he believed I had multiple injuries and that these would show up gradually as different parts of me healed.  But he was concerned and didn't want to go any longer with me feeling this way and waiting. He told me his office would call me and get me in this week, so that he could evaluate me, encourage me, and have a plan for when I visit Dr. C next Tuesday.  So, I go on Friday morning (19th) at 9:00 AM to see him.

Tonight I sit here in a lot of pain...in my legs, lower back, upper back, neck and shoulders...but as much as I want to sit and cry and wallow in the "poor me" syndrome...I know God has me on this journey for a reason and I've found these doctors and these treatments for a reason.  I've seen improvement (up until recently) and I know that His strength has helped me endure these last two weeks.  God's strength and an amazing husband who understands me (or tries to anyway), supports me, picks up ALL of the slack when I can't go another step, and makes me take care of myself.  I'm blessed beyond what I deserve...so I have hope.  Hope that I will be encouraged tomorrow.  Hope that this is the next step closer to healing my whole body. Hope that my pain is for a reason. Hope that God has not left me for a single moment in this...even when I felt alone, He has been holding me...and He holds me still....
In the valley, but looking up...

Life Happens

So, it has been nearly a month since an update...partially because I had a few weeks of NOT going to doctors, and partially because I had a few weeks of PURE crazy busy-ness with surgery, school starting, football starting, my "baby" starting Kindergarten, my oldest starting high school, losing a sweet friend far too early in life (more on that in a different post to come), and more.  By the time I had a chance to write again, I figured I should wait for the next round of appointments, that were within days of each other, before updating.  So, I have had 3 appointments since the last post...one at each member of my "team" of doctors.  I will give a synopsis of each appointment, along with sharing how I have been feeling in the process of sharing about the appointments.  I'll try to be brief (smile).
The first appointment was a check-up with the nose surgeon (ENT).  It was a VERY brief appointment.  He asked me how it was feeling, looked in my nose, told me it looked great with only a little swelling, and then told me he would see me back in 6 weeks to check again and remove any remaining stitches.  I need to continue to do my 2X daily saline rinse but other than that have no restrictions.  My nose is a tiny bit tender if I bump it too hard or rub it too roughly, but otherwise it feels back to normal and I do notice that I'm breathing through my nose significantly more than I did before.
The next appointment was with Dr. C, fondly known as my shot doctor!  Dr. K, the main doctor/dentist had asked Dr. C to look at my lower back area as the next target area of injury to "fix".  He re-checked my foot first, to find that it is completely healed up.  If you have followed my story for the last few years, you will know that these shots he gives are, in the simplest explanation, shots to shoot inflammation into the area so that white blood cells attack and heal.  They are extremely uncomfortable to receive and remain uncomfortable for awhile afterwards.  It has been a few years since I got these shots in my neck and I had forgotten how rough they were and I found that the back/butt area is not easier by any means!!!  I had about 15-20 shots across my lower back and butt area and they were pretty rough to get. Once he was done, I didn't feel too bad and went to pay at the reception area.  I had to wait about 5 minutes before being waited on and then it took another 5 minutes or so to pay, schedule next appointment, etc.  By the time I left there I was feeling very stiff and tender and ready to sit down.  My original plan was to stop at Target and do some shopping on the way home.  Instead, by the time I got to that area I was feeling pretty miserable and headed for home.  By the time I got about 10 minutes from home, I was beyond uncomfortable and was near tears driving a stick shift and wanted OUT of the car as soon as possible!  I stopped at home briefly but was on worship that night, so had to head back out.  I didn't sleep the greatest as all positions seemed to hurt and the next day was still pretty miserable.  It literally hurt to wear pants, so I wore some looser/stretchier pants to school and had a no hugging rule! I moved very slowly all day long.  Thankfully that was a Friday and I was able to take it easy over the weekend and be just a little tender by Monday. As I was texting a sweet friend about the shots (she has gone to the shot Dr. too), she reminded me of something funny her husband said as he watched her get similar shots to what I got in the lower back/butt area.  He told her afterwards that he didn't know how the doctor didn't puncture an organ he was going in so deep!  We laughed about it and agreed we are glad we are face down on the table and can't watch!  I go back to him in a couple of weeks and I'm praying that one round of shots takes care of it so that I don't need another round.  It is likely that I will need a second set of shots though. Ugh.
Last week I went back to Dr. K, the dentist.  He did some strength testing and is extremely pleased at my progress and believes that it is possible for the next appointment that I may begin starting to wean off of my day appliance slowly. I will need to wear the night appliance for quite awhile.  Each time I go, I fill out a form to show them my pain levels, areas of pain, concerns, etc since my last visit.  He noticed that all my pain levels and concerns had increased since the last visit and he wanted to know what was going on, what had changed and what was happening in my life...so I explained the 3 weeks that I had since seeing him last with starting work, my babies hitting milestones in school, with the youngest struggling to adjust, unexpected death of a friend/funeral for her, and more.  He looked at me and said "No wonder you're feeling worse!"  I told him that I was discouraged and had felt down about all of the rougher days.  I had significantly increased in neck pain, had more and more severe headaches and jaw pain. He asked me to think about it from a different perspective.  He said to think if all of these same things had happened last year BEFORE he began treatment with me...physically would I have done better, the same, or worse with the pain/headaches.  Without a thought I said "Much worse!"  He agreed and reminded me it's about perspective.  Yes, I have dipped into a bit of a valley lately, but it is STILL so much better than before.  I have to focus on how far I have come and know that I will have dips and valleys, but not to give up, because I will come back up the mountain.  He did a tension release "thing" with my jaw and that immediately improved the pain in the jaw and even the neck area somewhat. Most times I go, they laser my jaw and neck are as well which always helps too.
I am still on the gluten free, dairy free, sugar free diet...which was challenging through my birthday and Brock's birthday, along with Blueberry Festival time!  But, I'm hanging in there!  Thank you all for your continued prayers and concern for me/my family.  Trusting in God's promises to take care of me.
Deuteronomy 31:6 So be strong and courageous! Do not be afraid and do not panic before them. For the Lord your God will personally go ahead of you. He will neither fail you nor abandon you.
He hasn't failed or abandoned me yet...so why would He now, right?  Blessings to you...

Surgery Fun

This summer has been a whirlwind...and the last couple weeks have been the same!  After a fun trip with the kids to visit my PA family (in-laws), I got home in time to spend 2 days working in each of my rooms for school and then the next day (Monday), head to my nasal surgery to repair my deviated septum.  As a reminder, the team of doctors believe that the inability to breathe properly through my nose (because of the deviated septum), has caused jaw issues, which has caused other issues, ending in my neck pain.  That is the basic jist of it anyway.  So...Monday late morning my mom picked me up and we headed for the surgery center. I was a little nervous, but definitely felt everyone's prayers, as I was able to stay calm.  I registered and after just a few minutes they took me back to change into a lovely hospital gown, get an IV started and go over basic questions with me.  After that, they brought my mom back to keep me company until it was time. The anesthesiologist and surgeon each came in and went over the procedures one last time and then it was a quick hug from mom and a walk to the surgical room.  Here I am ready to go back...

 After I got on the surgery table and was covered up with blankets, they told me that they were starting the meds and that I should start to feel them quickly.  I remember MAYBE 45 seconds more before waking up in recovery. I woke up and felt good, other than being very groggy. They gave me the post-op instructions, with my mom listening in thankfully, as I was still pretty out of it.  As soon as I felt ready, they let me leave. The doctor did say that after reviewing all of my other issues involved in this, that I would probably have a bit more pain than the average septum repair. (joy) He recommended that I not try to just take Tylenol but to take the pain meds he prescribed.  As the numbness wore off, the pain increased and when I tried to get up and move to brush my teeth, go to the bathroom, etc, I became extremely nauseated and had to sit at the toilet several times.  Below is a picture of me as I looked for just under 24 hours with the bandages below my nose to collect the blood/drainage.  

I did NOT sleep well at all that night. I have to sleep propped up at a 45 degree angle, and found that I could not tilt my head to either side because the blood would start running out of my nose (sorry if that is too much information!).  Tuesday morning I again tried to get up and clean my oral appliances and brush my teeth, only to find myself at the toilet again.  I moved to the couch and found a comfortable position to be in and napped several times throughout the day on Tuesday.    Thank heavens for my mom taking Kiara home with her so that I could rest.  I was very sore, stuffed up, and oh so tired the whole day and evening. Thankfully I was able to sleep well on Tuesday night on the couch.  I was up bright and early to head to Dr. K (dentist) for a check-up today (Wednesday), as well as laser treatments on my nasal passages to help with swelling and healing. I still am pretty sore and swollen (internally), very stuffed up and after being upright more today am exhausted tonight and will head to bed soon.  Today is better than yesterday. Each day will get better.  I am anxious to have the swelling go down and my nose healed up so that I can see if it is making any difference.  I've waited 11 years, what's a few more days, right? HA!  So, I am doing okay.  Moving slowly, being very careful of my face, sniffing a lot, blotting drainage and trying to take it easy. The kids, Phil, and my mom have helped me so much and I am so blessed by that.  Lots of friends checking in on me and encouraging me...I will feel better each day and am praying that I feel LOTS better by Tuesday when I have to go back to school!