A few answers...and a few question marks

Another long afternoon in the doctor's office.  I don't think I've mentioned before that the average appointment time is 2-3 hours, so when we go, I take things to do!

After the normal routine of a round of eyedrops in BOTH eyes for dilation in the waiting room, Phil went back for more drops and an eye exam.  Two weeks ago when they tested his bad eye, he could see movement  and shapes but mostly just a blurry mess.  Today he could see actual THINGS...like her two fingers held up and part of the eye chart!  Woo hoo!  Definite progress.  When he came out from that portion of the appointment, he put the eye patch in my bag and said he was D.O.N.E. with it and told me the good news of seeing things.  And then we waited and waited some more...

The next time he goes back is for the doctor exam, so I go back with him.  He thoroughly looks at both eyes, takes notes, looks again, and then uses an instrument to "push around" in his good eye seeing how the laser surgery went.   The news Phil has been waiting for...on Thursday morning, he will be allowed to be upright and use his eyes again!!!!!!! He can sit up and watch tv or read or do whatever! Woo hoo!!!!  His upside down exercises are over as well. He will need to sleep on his left side only at this point, but he is THRILLED to get off of his stomach in the morning! 

Then the part that wasn't quite as exciting...He is not allowed to return to work at this point.  They still want him to be more stable and not over-do things with his eye, so he must be off longer.  He wants to go back to work so desperately.    He also isn't allowed a lot of physical activity...definitely no exercising.  The "bad" eye still has fluid in the retinal area, which normally is gone by now.  The doctor is hopeful that is is just taking a long time to heal because of how badly it was detached.    The "good" eye...he didn't come right out and say that the laser surgery was or wasn't successful...but he did say that the laser surgery "bought us some time" to see what the bad eye is going to do.  We are taking that to mean, that he will need the full fledge surgery (followed by face down) for the "good" eye as well.  We both interpreted it that way at least.    He was much better at talking to us today and answering questions and we didn't feel as rushed.  At the end of the appointment he told us that next week we are to come back and at that point, he will make a firm decision of what is next for both eyes.  Worst case scenario is having surgery on the bad eye again to drain the fluid that is hanging around, plus still have to do the full surgery on the good eye.   He really doesn't want to do the surgery on the same eye again, which he said is why he has continued to give it "one more week" for awhile.  But he said at this point in the recovery a decision needs to be made as the healing will be very far along.  He seemed hopeful that a re-surgery (my made up word) will not take place, but isn't ruling it out either.  We go next Thursday afternoon where we have been told there will be more definite answers given.  We had hoped for those today, but at the same time...at least he has told us when we WILL have more information. 

We have few answers, but a few good ones.   For that we rejoice and praise God!  We were able to relax, laugh and joke on the way home tonight.  We are anxious to have our normal completely back and it has been a long journey already, with a ways to go it sounds like...Here are my prayer requests for this week:
1. Pray that Phil doesn't over-do it.  He is anxious to be back to normal, but I worry he will do too much and end up doing damage.
2. Pray for ME to have patience with him as I encourage him to continue to take it easy and to speak in love when reminding him that he still has restrictions. (smile)
3. Pray for continued healing in his eyes.  We KNOW that God can heal him in this week before we go back, but we also know it may not be His will...Help us to rest in His plan.

We are so blessed by all of those praying for us, checking in with us and loving on us.  God is good...All the time! And all the time....God is good!

A Curve Ball

Tonight my comment was, "Every time we go to back to the doctor, I feel like we get  thrown a curve ball." And since the World Series has started...what better title for the day, right?  The much anticipated day back to the eye surgeon...In my post earlier in the week, I had said that we would hopefully be ending the face down positioning for the "bad" eye and would be having laser surgery on the "good" eye.  So today was the day...We were nervous, anxious and so ready for the appointment.  It is quite a process at each visit...they come to give eye drops to you in the waiting room, often call you back into a room where an assistant tests your vision and gives more eye drops, head back to the waiting room, then back to a room to the see the doctor.  When she came to give eye drops, she told us she was only doing the "good" eye and that they wouldn't be looking at the "bad" eye today. We were like, WHAT??????? He's supposed to look at it and tell us if he can be done with the face down positioning.  She said she was doing what the chart said and if he wanted it to be different, they would let her know.  Curve ball #1.   Phil heads back to the room for the eye test and more drops...and the second nurse/assistant re-iterates that the chart says we are not looking at "bad" eye at all.  WHAT????  Finally we head into the laser procedure room where we waited on the doctor.  He came in and I was ushered out (can't be in the room during the procedure).  When the doctor was doing the procedure, Phil says that he kept sighing and asking him to be still and relax.  We are pretty sure they forgot to put numbing drops in his eye before this procedure and it was very painful and uncomfortable for Phil, so relaxing and staying still was a challenge to say the least.  Last time he had this procedure, the doctor knew immediately that it was NOT successful and told us right away so we assumed that would be the case today as well.  Curve ball #2.  He said we would have to wait and see if it worked or not and that he would see us in a week (next Wednesday). WHAT?????  He starts to immediately leave the room and Phil quickly asks him "What about my other eye, and do I continue the face down?"  He said yes to continue the face down and exercises and he would see us next week...without every looking at his eye!!!  WHAT???  Curve Ball #3 (Are you noticing a theme to our appointment??? WHAT????)  And then he left the room swiftly.  This doctor is the best of the best...we know that...but  today threw us for a loop.  Nothing that we had anticipated for today came to be.  We know nothing more now than we did before and Phil is STILL FACE DOWN for at least another week. (This will be week #5!!! when normally it is 2 weeks)  So we go back next Wednesday afternoon to hopefully find out results of laser surgery and maybe have BOTH eyes looked at this time?  We just don't know.  We are at a bit of a loss tonight.  We are feeling discouraged and disappointed and wondering when it will all end and have life resume normally???

A sweet friend text me a scripture today while I sat in the waiting room and it is one of the scriptures we have been leaning on.  Isaiah 41:10 "Don't be afraid, for I am with you. Don't be discouraged, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you. I will hold you up with my victorious right hand."
So, we will not fear.  We will hang on to God and try to not be discouraged.  We will rely on HIS strength and help.  He is good even in this season of curve balls.

So...prayer requests:
1. Continue to pray for patience and endurance for Phil.  He is not sleeping well at all and is exhausted, so tired of this and ready to be DONE.
2. Pray this laser procedure WORKED and that no further surgery and face down is needed.
3. Pray this is the last week of face down for the "bad" eye.
4. Pray for peace, strength, and the ability to not be discouraged while we lean in to God.

Thank you for reading, caring, praying and loving on us.  We are blessed indeed.

Head Down...Still

We headed back to the eye specialist on Friday morning.  Going into the appointment, we were very hopeful that Phil would be able to be upright again so that he could go to Brock's football Sectional game that night...That was not to be.  The exercises and positioning he has been doing are indeed working to continue the attachment process with the retina, but there is still some slight fluid and detachment in the "bad" eye, so he is continuing the head down position, along with the exercises 5 times a day (it was 10 times a day).  The exercise that he has to do I call "standing on his head"...he hangs over the bed, upside down, with the top of his head just touching the floor for 10 minutes at a time. The normal face down time is 2 weeks...we are at week 4 this week.  He is tired of laying and is so very bored, as he can't watch tv, read, text, etc.  He is supposed to limit his eye use so that it can be stable and heal properly.

We also talked about the "good" eye at the appointment.  We had thought we would be setting up the full blown surgery and re-starting the face down for the good eye this week.  The surgeon looked at the good eye at this appointment in great detail.  He has decided that he is going to TRY to do laser surgery in the office on Wednesday of this week.  He has already done this and it was unsuccessful, but he would like to try it one more time to see if he can prevent the full invasive surgery that was done on the "bad" eye.  We will have the laser surgery on Wednesday afternoon.  We are praying this works as it will mean he will not have to do face down for THAT eye and that the end of face down is near (likely this week).  If the laser surgery is unsuccessful, we will then set up the full surgery for later in the week (we think).  Our surgeon likes to take it one step at a time and not talk about what-ifs or what's next.    So we wait again...I go back to work this week after being home for Fall Break all week.  It has been nice to be home, get caught up on some things, spend time as a family and REST.  Tomorrow starts the whirlwind again and I can feel the anxiety of the busy-ness already.

So, the number 1 question I get is "What can I do to help?".  Honestly, there isn't a lot anyone can do...and with football ended now, the kids will be home to help more and there will be less running hopefully.  So, my answer sounds a bit rehearsed and contrite, but is honest...please pray for us...below are some ways you can pray this week for us...

1.  Pray for patience for the hubby as he continues face down.  He is so tired of it and I just can't imagine. Also for rest for him...he is not sleeping well for any length of time and he is exhausted.

2. Pray for the laser procedure on Wednesday, that it might be successful and no major surgery be required on the good eye. And that the bad eye would continue to heal and he can be upright again.

3. For energy and strength for me as I continue to run the household and do it all.  I have been blessed with a husband that works with me and has a 50/50 relationship with me...but that means I'm a bit overwhelmed with it all....I'm doing good...I really am, but can definitely use prayer to know when it's okay to let things go and take care of myself as well.

God has been so good to us and we have found reason to praise, even in these events.   We have seen God moving...and He has been providing for us...enough for each day.  Thank you for your prayers.  Phil may have to have his head down, but we are looking up ;)  Blessings to you...

Hindsight is 20/20

Hindsight really IS 20/20.  If only we could go back and see it all clearly from the beginning, right?
The story begins 9 weeks ago when my hubby text me that he set up an eye dr. appointment because he was having "trouble" with his vision. Upon further questioning, I discovered that he had a black spot in his vision that was bothering him.  He ended up going in the very same day to the doctor and was told that he had "floaters" in his eye and that it would go away on it's own in 2-6 weeks.  No need to worry unless things got worse or changed in his vision.  3 weeks later, he goes back to eye doctor as he is having flashing (lightning) in his eye along with the dark spots.  Again told they couldn't see any tears or problems and that it should get better on it's own. 3 weeks later, at the 6 week mark, hubby went back to the eye dr but saw the other doctor in the practice.  She thinks she sees "something" and tells him they are making him an appointment with a specialist in less than 2 hours.  Hubby calls me and I rush out of work, leaving no plans for a sub to race him to the appointment an hour away.
Tuesday, September 26--This appointment was crazy in so many ways.  The waiting room was PACKED, and loud with some very interesting characters in it, and we were there for over 4 hours.  They dilated his eyes in the waiting room, and then called him back to a room a couple of different times, before actually seeing a doctor.  They check out BOTH eyes as standard procedure on the first visit.   I'll leave out a lot of details for time's sake...After inspecting both eyes and taking notes and dictation, we discover that BOTH eyes have detached retinas.  We were shocked to say the least.  We told the Dr. that he is only having trouble with one eye...the "bad eye" as we call it was 70% detached with some small tears in it as well.  The "good eye" had a lesser detachment with some small tears.  Both eyes need surgery as soon as possible.  The doctor was hopeful that the good eye could be taken care of in the office with a laser procedure, but the bad eye would need full invasive surgery that would require hubby to be face down, head down for at least 2 weeks and off work 4-6 weeks. 

Wednesday, September 27--Still in complete shock, we go for the laser surgery in the good eye.  The visit lasts approximately 3 hours.  They bring me back to the room after the surgery to tell us that the surgery was NOT successful and he will have to undergo the more invasive surgery on this eye as well...as soon as the bad eye heals from it's surgery.  We were very disappointed, yet still in shock. We headed to Grant's football game as it would be the last one Phil would be able to attend this year.

Thursday, September 28--We go for the full invasive surgery in the late afternoon.  They tell me the surgery will last for 1 1/2 hours.  After 2 1/2 hours I'm pacing the room worrying.  Finally he comes in to tell me that it was a much more difficult surgery than he thought and it was a very tough fix, but that it did indeed go well. We got home about 12:45 AM and had to be back at the doctor for post op at 8:30.  It was a rough night of sleep for us both with Phil having pain and having to be face down.

Friday, September 29--Post op appointment went well and we go home and sleep!!!  I left Phil alone to go to Brock's football game...and was so nervous leaving him with one eye ;)

The next 2 weeks appointments--Twice a week appointments (with my dad driving him--thankfully), drops 4 times a day (I come home at lunch to do drops) and still face down.  We found out some more challenging news.  The full surgery did not completely re-attach the retina.  It is still 10% detached.  He has a change in eye drops, and additional exercises to do to try to help the attachment "take" and close up.

This week, Tuesday, October 17--the exercises have worked and it is very likely that his "bad eye" is going to heal up nicely and not need additional surgery.  After 3 weeks, he is STILL face down 22+ hours a day.  He is staying positive, but it is hard to be face down and basically miss out on life with us.  We go again on Friday to make sure that the bad eye is indeed reattaching properly and at that point will begin this whole process on the "good eye"!  Goodness!!!!

Honestly, if we hadn't waited 6 weeks to see the specialist, the story may have been different.  The detachment less severe or maybe only torn and major surgery prevented.  But we can't go back and have that hindsight.  For whatever reason, it was missed in BOTH eyes and we don't know why...but it was.  It is what it is, so we move forward and deal with the cards we were dealt.  We are hopeful and feeling good about the end results...it's just a long road to get there.

My hubby is a very private person, so I haven't posted "formally" about our challenges in the last 9 weeks.  I've been meaning to blog, because writing it out is so very therapeutic for me, but honestly haven't had the energy or the time...So that's us for the last 9 weeks.  The last 3 weeks have been stressful, emotional, exhausting, overwhelming, scary, etc...And although this post is mostly the facts and basics of what is happening...We have seen God work in amazing ways.  He has been present and provided for us each step of the way...emotionally, spiritually, physically, financially, etc. 

I will try to post updates here for those that are interested.  From now on, the updates should be shorter.  I should've started blogging 3 weeks ago, huh??? :)

Be More Bob!

Yesterday, I had the privilege of speaking at a memorial/dedication service for Bob Pickell at school.  We dedicated "buddy benches" in his honor and also a tree that was planted in his memory.  The following is the speech I read to the students of Webster School and community members.  I miss you Bob!  

I had the privilege of knowing Mr. Pickell for nearly 30 years. I was lucky enough to have him as a teacher in grades 6-12, a mentor throughout my teaching career, and so very lucky to also call him friend.  In trying to figure out what to say today, my mind was flooded with memories that I could share. There aren’t enough words or memories to share exactly what Mr. Pickell meant to me. But I came up with a few words that I think describe Mr. Pickell and the influence he had on all of us.

First, he was passionate.  He believed in what he did and did it every day filled with passion. Filled with a purpose of sharing with others in all kinds of ways.  It doesn’t matter how you knew him,  or even how well you knew him…you knew what he was passionate about. About teaching, about music, about life, about his Ball State Cardinals, about his family.  He poured that passion into all of us.

He was fun-loving. I bet everyone here remembers his smile and his big hearty laugh, am I right?  He loved to laugh, tease, make “punny” jokes, smile, laugh some more.  Even in the midst of a serious discussion or topic, he would find something to laugh at or even get that little smirk on his face and twinkle in his eye that made others laugh.  That’s one of the things I miss the most. He didn’t take life seriously all of the time. He embraced it and enjoyed it.  

He was generous. With his time, his talents, his expertise. Not because he wanted to be recognized or to look good, but because it’s who he was.  He collected pop tabs for Riley’s, plastic caps here at Webster, lent a hand wherever he was needed...  Served on committees, attended meetings on his own time…Why? For the betterment of others.  Not for himself…He gave and he gave and he gave of himself…to his students, the community, his schools, his friends, his family.  

He was a coffee-drinker.  I know that’s not a normal character trait, but I simply had to put it in there…he LOVED. HIS. COFFEE.  I remember as far back as jr. high seeing coffee mug rings on papers on his desk.  He would fill and refill and refill his coffee all day long.  Every time we met at school he would ask me if I wanted coffee.  I love coffee…I really do, but not all day every day.  So you see, it is a trait of his :)

He was kind.  Kind doesn’t really explain it all though does it?  He was a special KIND of kind. He didn’t know a stranger.  He befriended the friendless.  He sought out those that needed a friendly face.  He came along-side kids and adults of all shapes, sizes and backgrounds.  He loved people. He had a way of making you feel special and loved, just by being around him. Life was just better when Bob was around. 

I’m proud to say that I teach music and have followed in his footsteps.  I’m honored to continue his legacy.  My challenge to each of us, including myself, is to not just remember Mr. Pickell and his awesome qualities but to strive to be like Mr. Pickell (well, maybe all but the coffee-drinking :)).  When you see these benches and the tree that is planted, may we remember how he made us laugh and smile. How he cared. And then strive to be like him. Let Mr. Pickell’s legacy live on in each one of us and never forget the impact he had on our lives.  To be kind, generous, fun-loving and passionate about life and about others.  Be more Bob.

25 years without her...

If you know me, you know that I am a "dates" person.  I remember dates...birthdays, anniversaries, special moments, anniversaries of events, etc...I don't know why but I do.  They are important to me for some reason and I have no idea why.  The first week of May is full of "dates" that I remember vividly and each year I think...I'm not going to remember every detail, yet every year I do.  25 years later and I still do.  Sunday I woke up and remembered that 25 years ago I was playing a tennis meet at Bremen that day and my friend Kiara came to watch with my mom.  I can even remember what she was wearing.  Monday, I remembered that I cancelled plans with Kiara because my Grandpa had a heart attack and was in the hospital so I went to see him. I remember the words Kiara said to me as we hung up the phone that evening.  This morning I woke up and despite trying NOT to remember, remembered that 25 years ago I was preparing to take the SAT, and go to tennis practice where I broke the strings on my racket.  I remember that later on I went to the drive-in movie with my boyfriend to see a movie I still can't stand to this day (likely because of the events, not the movie maybe).  I remember coming home that night and watching Saturday Night Live before going to bed. And I remember the sound of the phone ringing, that awful sound that changed me forever. I remember knowing something wasn't right before the words even came out of my parent's mouths.  And I remember them telling me that the phone call was Kiara's parents...from there I knew...I remember the pain...feeling like I was being tortured and everything else being a fog.  I remember a sweet friend arriving on my doorstep early to be sure I knew.  Going to church and slipping out the back with a friend because I just couldn't sit there.  Going to the school to grieve with my Crimson Connection family (show choir)....and I could go on for the rest of the week and even months from there.  It is vivid. The days leading up to Kiara's death and the time in the weeks after are a blur, yet so vivid all at the same time.

And now...25 years later...I still miss her.  Long to hear her voice, her laugh, see her beautiful smile, feel her awesome hugs.  I still hurt.  Somehow I thought a milestone like 25 years would mean that the hurt would fade away, that I would pause to remember with a smile and then move on.  I was wrong.  And even though her actual date of death is May 3, this day, May 2 is always so hard for me...it was her last day on earth.  25 years.  I keep saying that, because for one it makes me realize how old I am, but also because it feels like such a short time ago.   The hurt doesn't go away...I'm realizing that.  It has changed, but I think this week will always be hard for me...I will always remember and grieve and miss her.

I feel cheated in a lot of ways.  We had PLANS!!!!  We were going to go to college, become music teachers and raise our kids as friends...Its interesting to read through some of our notes (we didn't text back then!!!) and see that we had talked about life separated.  She was going off to college in Colorado and I had one more year of high school.  We began preparing for that...funny now that God was preparing much differently.  But even though I feel cheated in ways...I feel so incredibly blessed to have known Kiara.  To sing with her, laugh with her, roll our eyes together, hug her, get kicked out of Burger King together, sing Reba on the way to school together, write notes to her and get them from her, to have fought with her because that brought us closer, to share secrets and dreams together, to laugh with her (yes I know I said that, but we laughed a lot), do our hair together, talk about boys (no names mentioned here) and to be loved by her because she loved passionately and to share our love of God with each other.  There is so much that I have gained from knowing her, loving her, being loved by her and throughout this journey of grief. I would  give up much to have her back...I still think of her every day, every time I say my own daughter's name.  But tonight I'm thankful that I knew her, that I can remember, that I was blessed that God allowed me a short time with her.  I could write so much and share so much of what I have learned and how I've grown in my faith and such.  But tonight, I just want to remember her, grieve for her, smile and laugh at the memories and just BE.  Thank you for allowing me to do that.
Kiki, Kiara Joy, Kiara, Ki---I'll love you forever and then some.  So thankful to know that you are rejoicing in heaven and watching over me...I'll never forget or stop missing you.

Celebrating, a year later

I have an affinity to dates.  I remember dates of birthdays, anniversaries, key moments in life.  When I say I remember, I'm not kidding.  I can tell you dates of elementary school friends birthdays that I haven't talked to in forever....it's a weird thing, because often I can't remember what the actual date of TODAY is, but can tell you a zillion other "important" dates.
So, it was no surprise to me that I have been anticipating February 25 for weeks now...If you know me and have followed my journey, you know that I suffered from neck pain for 12+ years and we couldn't figure out what was wrong or how to fix it.  If you want details of all of that, just go back through my plethora of posts over the years to see everything I have tried in order to find healing, from drinking clay, to crazy diets, to shots, to acupuncture, to mental imagery, to nose surgery, mouth appliances...it is an incredibly long list.  BUT, last year on February 25 I had my last procedure done.  I had a doctor (Dr. K) that would NOT give up on me.  He believed me in my pain and wouldn't rest until he had tried everything he could think of to heal me. It all happened by chance that he had a patient have a procedure done for different reasons and resulted in the release of her neck pain.  A week later, I had a checkup with him and he was so excited to see me and tell me about it.  Within another week, on February 25, 2016 (a very snowy Thursday)...I was having the same procedure where they would "un-tie" my tongue.  The healing release was nearly immediate, although it took weeks for me to tell people as I was scared I would jinx it and the pain would return.  Looking back a year later, I am in awe of the journey God took me on in the 12+ years of pain.  As I sat yesterday reflecting, I was going over in my mind the whole timeline of that day...what I was doing, when I was actually sitting in the chair, the emotions that I felt, the after-tongue-tie appointment with the therapist the same day....It brought me such joy to say, a year ago at this very moment, I was having surgery on my tongue and saying goodbye to pain. Thank you Jesus!
It's a year out now.  I have been mostly pain free for an entire year.  An entire year.  Just a couple months before this surgery I was praying and asking God to help me be "okay" with not being healed and to help me find a way to live with the pain for always.  So what's been happening?
I feel GREAT!  I'm rebuilding strength still in my upper body, after babying it for 12+ years.  I feel a little stronger every week.  I'm doing workouts that a year or two ago, I NEVER would have been able to do.  I have energy left at the end of the day.  It used to be that I would "survive" the day and then after faking it all day long with my students I had NOTHING left to give my family, no patience, no energy, just grouchiness and the desire to just be done and lay down.  NOW???? I come home with a smile (mostly, haha), and energy left to give my family.  I don't fall into bed at night praying I can sleep through the pain.  I don't take or rely on tylenol every day...You guys, I helped keep the company in business for 12 years...I'm worried they aren't making money anymore without me! HA!!!  I work out and push myself to be a better, stronger me. I'm a happier person.
I've said before that although this journey was awful at times and I didn't know how to take the next step or how I would make it through a day...I wouldn't change a thing.  God grew me, drew me to him, made me question Him and dig deeper into what I believed.  I had to live out my faith.  It was no longer just something I said I believed, I had to believe it to my core, or I couldn't have made it through.  How do people do life without Jesus???  I don't know.  But those 12+ years are crucial to my faith and where it is at today...This past year has been pivotal as well...I get up and am daily thankful for health and healing.  There are days, like last weekend when I ran 2 miles (I am sooo not a runner) and it was nearly my fastest 2 miles in my adult life, where I cried up the drive way because I was giving all praise and glory to Jesus for the healing and the ability to rebuild myself.
The last year has been good...better than good...I am blessed.  Forever, February 25 will be a day that I celebrate... that I am thankful... that I think of my journey... that I reflect on God's goodness and faithfulness...that I remind myself of how far I have come in my journey with Christ and in life.  It may not be a special day to you, and according to the calendar it is just another day...but to me...It is a date that I cherish and celebrate greatly!  Thank you Jesus for a great first year of being healed...here's to many more!