Washington D.C.

Over Spring Break, Phil took the kids and went to his parents for the week.  I have a different spring break, so I stayed home. Phil, Paw-Paw, Brock & Grant took a trip into Washington D.C. one of the days.  They took some great pictures that these are just a sampling of.  Paw-Paw bought the boys each a replica of one of the buildings (White House and Capitol Building) to help them remember their trip. Here they are on the Mall in front of the Capitol Building.

They went to a couple of museums while they were there.  Here is a picture from The Air and Space Museum.

The boys thought the fighter jets and simulations were pretty neat to see.

Here's a view of the White House from the top of the Old Post Office Building.  Since they were limited on time, they weren't able to get everywhere, but could see a lot from the top of this building.

The Lincoln Memorial was one place that Grant really would have liked to visit, but it was a pretty far distance to walk, so they didn't make it over there. Again, they could see it from the Old Post Office though.

On the Mall in front of the Washington Monument

One of the boys favorite parts was the getting to and from D.C.  They parked outside of DC and took the metro into the city.  They loved riding this train, going above and below ground...but no pictures.  Even though I specifically asked for pictures of that since I knew it would be their favorite part...that's okay...I think Phil did GREAT taking all of these pictures and I even just made an album for them all!  Glad to be a part of their memories by listening to them.

Annoyed, Frustrated and...Blessed

I've had a variety of emotions today.  I had a good morning.  My pain was below average for me, Kiara went on the potty, we giggled and played...got to drink my coffee while getting the kids ready for school...cleaned my room, including dusting (which is a huge deal if you know me well)...ate healthy while being at home...and then WHAM, BAM, SMACK me in the face...the pain slammed me this afternoon and has continued into this evening.  It honks me off...why can't I just have one full good day?  I was angry, annoyed, frustrated and just sick of it all.  Then, I looked at my sweet "baby" girl sleeping during her nap and realized...I am blessed.  Wish I could say that I got all warm and fuzzy after that and the pain drifted away. Not so.  I've still been annoyed and frustrated the rest of the afternoon/night but I've been able to see the blessings as well.  Last week in the midst of my emotional roller coaster with the surgeon telling me that he couldn't "see" anything wrong with me, my pastor suggested that I keep a journal of blessings.  I had been trying to look for blessings in my day anyway, but his suggestion to write one thing down daily for 30 days and then I can physically look back at this list/journal and see the many things I have to be thankful for.  I started it the evening he suggested it.  Some of the things I have been thankful for:  a wonderful husband who is willing to do more than his fair share with the kids and house in order to keep us fuctioning (I love him so much)...my kids who are so understanding and loving with an unconditional love that even when i simply can't do what they want...they accept me as I am...the gift of my eyesight that I have been able to behold gorgeous sunrises on my drive to work last week that have reminded me also of the complete awesomeness of God...the ability to push through the pain in order to exercise so that my hard work in losing weight is not put right back on...friends who love me and truly want to know how I am doing, even if it isn't all warm and fuzzy...a church family who prays for each other and worships God with gusto on Sunday mornings...This is all just a start to my many blessings...I am blessed abundantly.  Even in the midst of my pain, my annoyance and frustrations...He is good and I CHOOSE to say Blessed Be Your Name.

The Next Part

This morning I went to yet another doctor, a spine surgeon in Indianapolis. Again, I will give the short of it up front and then details afterward for those who don’t care about the details  I do not need surgery. This in itself sounds great because I didn’t want surgery. However, it is another dead end. He does not “see” anything wrong with me…my pain remains unexplained. He is sending me back to the shot doctor to see what he wants to do next. I will be emailing him to update him and go from there. Today was very emotional. I sobbed, had crocodile tears, thanked God for no surgery, cried some more, praised God for the provision of a friend going with me, cried some more, cried while making supper, thanked God for the ability to do the small things, and finished off the night with a bit more crying…
Details of appointment:
Took a new set of x-rays .
Talked me through my history of the last 7 ½ years and different treatments that we have tried.
Did physical exam to test all sorts of things.
Went over the MRI and x-rays in great detail, labeling things and printing copies off for me.
He then explained that in these 3 parts of the appointment he is looking for overlaps in information/symptoms in order to diagnose the problem. In short, he does not see an overlap with my symptoms, test results and explanation of pain. He told me that he believes that I have the pain, but it is not anything that is showing up in an MRI/x-ray. He explained that sometimes symptoms can last for years before ever showing up on these tests (apparently 7.5 years isn’t long enough ) He believes that there is still hope for me and that there are still answers out there…just not with him. He said lots of things but my tired/weary brain can’t think of it all right now. He said that I am not surgical in any way and that my test results are better even than an average 35 year old in many ways. He said that he can’t fix me but that is why there are doctors like my shot doctor to go back to, to help me. Unfortunately in my brain I am thinking…But, I’m here because he doesn’t know what else to do for me!!!! So hope was sucked out for awhile today. He left, I cried and cried and then I have shut down a bit…refusing to deal with it really.

So many questions going through my mind…
How long do I keep having tests run and going to different doctors before it is time to say “enough”?
Am I seriously going to live with this the rest of my life? Pain for the next 50+ years?
Could it be something like rheumatoid arthritis that doesn’t show up in MRI’s for years but causes pain before then?
Where do I go from here? I’m such a planner and now that I don’t really have a plan…well, I don’t like it.
As I sit here in quite a bit of pain, I’m reminded of the sermon from yesterday…what do I do with this suffering? I need to find a way to use it for good, to use it for His glory and as a witness to others. I need to rest in HIS promises of seeing me through this and working it for good…but tonight…I’m gonna cry a little more at this dead-end until I can view it as a u-turn or round-about. God is good and amazing in all of this and He has seen me through every moment of this and never left me. I know He is with me still, even when I’m not feeling His healing hand…I’m feeling Him holding me. Now…how to rest in that? That’s a whole other entry!

Workouts and More

At the start of the new year, my boys decided they wanted to work out more with Dad...of course Kiara can not be left out of ANYTHING at our house, so she joined in as well with a bit of help from Dad!

She was super proud of herself and kept getting down and clapping and whooping!

Brock only needed help to get up to the bar and from there Dad just "spotted" for him so he didn't fall. 

Grant did the same...needed some help getting up but took it from there.

Mom...well, she just watched.  Her neck isn't quite up to that yet.  She did attempt a couple of a different exercise...attempt being the key word.   Below, Kiara had thrown Uno cards everywhere (yelling Happy Birthday!) and in order to get her to pick them up I gave her this small shopping bag to use...She proceeded to walk around like this telling me over and over that she was going shopping.  She does love to shop!

Kiara has discovered GAMES...she is too little to play most of them, but she likes to sit with us and play.  We found a game that she can play (for the most part)....Hungry Hippos...we just have to be sure not to have a headache when we get it out because the game is super loud and she yells and squeals the entire time.

We're ready for spring so we can go OUTside to play some games!

Snow fun...hopefully all in the past for the year!

I am a bit late in posting these pictures, but I'm hoping by finally posting them that maybe we can say goodbye to the cold, snowy weather and welcome spring instead!  The boys love the snow and can't wait to get out and play in it as soon as there is even a dusting of it.  Our "blizzard" from a few weeks back did not disappoint them!  They had snowball fights, did lots of shoveling (they love to do it...we do not make them!), and did some sledding too.   Here Grant is watching a snowball fly at his brother!

Brock had just let go of a snowball...he was holding the starter fluid for the snow-blower if you are wondering.

If you know my boys at all, you know that they are very creative and don't just settle for "normal" on anything, let alone on sledding.  We live on a hill and often they build ramps and turns to go down it.  This year when they shoveled the driveway, they shoveled in a certain way to make a slick, curved course down the driveway (and would stop before the road).  This "course" started from a snow pile at the front corner of the driveway and went down.  They had a ball going one right after the other.

Of course, the snow sledding course has to be JUST RIGHT...so Brock does a little touch up to make it better.   Kiara and I watched from inside at our front windows...clapping and cheering them on.

Lambs

Can't believe I haven't posted these before...Just realized it today going through the pictures on my camera...here are some of the very first lambs of the season from Grandpa's farm.  The boys were very excited to start lambing season.  Kiara has the pleasure of getting to check the barn every day to see if there are any new ones.  Maybe a future 4-H lamb in these pictures?

Going Through My Mind

Just a little something going through my mind...

I feel this pain.  It never seems to end.
So here I sit.  Crying out to you again.
I need Your love. Can You hear me now?
Crying out for you. On my knees I bow...

Jesus, I need your love.
Jesus, give me your mercy.
I know You're right beside me. I know it deep inside.
Oh----Jesus, let me feel You near.

Maybe sounds better in my head?