Feeling the Peace, or Not

Romans 5:1 “Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ,”

So, last week we had a sermon that has had my mind swimming ever since. It was on having peace WITH God, peace OF God and peace with others. In light of my pain, I’m having a hard time with how to FEEL God’s peace. If I don’t feel it, does that mean I don’t have it? If I don’t have it, does that mean my faith is too weak or doesn’t exist? We know that we have peace WITH God, according to Romans 5:1…but how do I feel the peace OF God? I don’t feel it to be quite honest and I don’t know what that means. Am I supposed to just say “Okay…pain is fine with me because I’m a Christian and He tells me to rest in His peace.”? I don’t know how to do that. Do I know that God is in control? Absolutely. Do I think He has a plan in all of this? Yep. Do I know that He is taking care of me and giving me the strength to endure day by day? Of course…But do I FEEL it inside? No. Maybe some of you are reading this and are appalled that I’m admitting to this, but I have a feeling I’m not the only one to ever not feel His peace, and therefore have a hard time trusting in it. This sermon came at a point where I was already questioning how to “surrender” to Him. How do I give up this pain and not try to control the next step? I can say it over and over, but how do I really give it up, not just in words but COMPLETELY giving it to Him? How do I sit back and let His plans go to work instead of my own? How do I know that he isn’t telling me to take control and search for medical answers? How do I know when to stop searching and give up the control…in essence being willing to just live with this pain? After this sermon that just riveted me to my seat (and I sat through it two times since I was on worship team—got more the 2nd time around!), I chatted with my family doc for a bit…he challenged me to think about when it is time to stop searching for the answers…stop going to doctor after doctor, running test after test…My first thought was being crushed. My doctor is telling me to give up….that there is NO answer to this pain and I’m looking at the next 50-60 years of pain. (Do I know that’s not exactly what he meant? Yes…but that’s what it felt like) I don’t know what God is telling me. I feel like He is silent…not absent, but silent. I’m at a loss. The pain is not getting any better at all and is a struggle daily. I do not have a pain-free time. It always hurts and affects every aspect of my life. Yet, I’m a Debbie-downer if I express that. People ask me how I am and I’m told to respond with “Good, and you?” when I want to scream that I hurt and I’m sick of it controlling me and I want to be well and normal and pain free. I’m tired of working through the pain…teaching, parenting, being a wife, exercising…LIVING! I don’t know where I go from here. I don’t know how to find and feel that peace.