20 years...

Twenty years ago...the night in so many ways is ingrained in my mind, and in other ways is very sketchy. A fun date night at the drive-in, (although I still think Wayne’s World is the dumbest movie ever) and then home late to go to bed for church in the morning. Just a typical Saturday night 20 years ago…Shortly after falling asleep, the phone rang and the world began a spiral. The details are a bit blurry in my mind…my mom coming in to tell me news that would change my life…My best friend Kiara was killed in a car accident. I can remember crying, sobbing, shaking, physically hurting and even going numb for awhile. I won’t go into the details of the next few days, but there are a few things that my mind returns to, especially at this time of year…crying until there were no more tears, simply not being able to eat, sitting on my mom’s lap crying as she rocked me on the floor, meeting on Sunday afternoon with the show choir to grieve together, seeing Kiara’s parents, going to a few friends homes and church to tell them the news, going to the school library at school where counselors were and seeing soooo many lives that she had touched, a teacher who had no compassion and made us write poetry on death, sitting out of tennis matches because I was too weak to play and honestly didn’t care about anything, being at the viewing and seeing the line that waited for hours to pay their respects, sitting on stage at the funeral with the choir, the different speakers that spoke and the message of Kiara knowing Christ, somehow singing at the funeral, going with a group to sit at night at the cemetery “with” her and just talk, sitting and staring with tears streaming.  So many painful memories come pouring back this time of year....there are times of laughter and smiles and remembering good times as well, don't get me wrong...but the pain just seems more real on the anniversary.  They say that it dulls with time, and it has to a point, but the ache that I feel still is strong after all of these years as I think about the "what-might-have-beens". 

My life has not been the same since that early Sunday morning when the phone rang. I lost part of my heart…part of my future...part of my very being.  But I look back and I realize how blessed I am to have known Kiara Joy and to share the memories that I do with her.  Those same things that makes my heart ache and tears flow, also make me smile, giggle and so glad to have known her.  Throughout today as I have seen many people post things on facebook, it has warmed my heart...People remember her.  The thing that is most often mentioned is her smile and her hugs...I'm telling you that her hugs were phenomenal...I have never had a hug quite like hers again.  And her eyes would sparkle when she smiled.  That sounds so cliche, but it is true...she would light up with a smile.  Someone on facebook said "She reminds me of a beautiful sunny day. Sometimes, you don't realize how bright and beautiful that day really is until the storm clouds roll in and it's gone."  Wow!
So, in my hurting and tears, last night I decided to make a list of some of the things that I remember, that I loved, that I cherished about her. Some of the things are just between her and I to understand but honestly this blog is therapeutic in purpose for myself...so I will list them anyway.  I couldn't ever come up with a complete list of memories...but I love that they randomly pop in my head and make me smile (and sometimes cry as well).  So...here are some special memories or characteristics of my best friend, Kiara Joy...
her smile, hugs, laughter, twinkle in her eye, her voice sweetly singing, her love of Jesus, getting kicked out of Burger King because of our Taco Bell cups, "discovering" country music together, listening to Reba in my car, picking her up for school, driving her to work at Pondo, picnics in my basement, sleepovers, sunsets, passing notes in choir, her smile/hugs/laughter,  her sassy attitude, all of her rings, recording sessions, lots of note-writing, her crush on my brother, sleep-overs, our dreams for the future that lined up with each other, her "stealing" my clothes, her smile/hugs/laughter, Guess jeans, her famous eye roll, phone calls, getting in trouble in choir, her joy for life, nicknames, Danny Boy, her boldness, dancing, that blue eye-liner, her messy room, her knowing no strangers, her ability to be friends with everyone in ever social status range, and did I mention her smile, her hugs and her laughter.  Oh how I miss those.  There are so many more...but I will stop, at least on here. She was special.  I don't mean she was special because that's what you say about someone when they are gone...she TRULY was special and I love her and miss her dearly.

I have babbled long enough I suppose and I'm smiling again instead of crying...the last conversation that I had with her was on the phone.  We had plans to do something on Friday night...my grandpa was in the hospital and I told her I thought I should go see him instead.  After talking a few minutes and me apologizing for cancelling on her, she said to me, "It's okay Tricia...I'll always be here to do stuff with, but your Grandpa won't. Love you and talk to you Sunday."  Little did we know...

Kiara...I love you dear friend.  No one will ever replace you.  I rejoice that I get to see you again.  I KNOW that you are smiling and laughing at me all the time, especially when MY little Kiara gives me grief!  Thank you for being the kind of friend that truly is unforgettable. I miss you Kiara Joy!

September 5, 1973-May 3, 1992