For those not on facebook...

As many of you who are close to me know, the past few weeks and months have been very trying with a lot of neck pain again. I have had all emotions from discouragement to depression to anger at God to desperation to…peace and all of them over again! I try to deal with it a lot all on my own because I don’t want to be a whiner…this resulting in some bottling up and some anger along with it. A few months back when I went back to my family doctor (also a brother in Christ from my church)…he wanted to pray for me and I wouldn’t let him. (at least not right there with me). I told him I was angry at God and although still had faith and love for Him, I just wasn’t speaking to Him that week (wow, that’s not immature is it?) HA! He told me that when I was ready…anytime that he and the other elders from our church would gladly pray for me/over me and anoint me. That was back in November…Fast forward to the last couple of weeks…The pain has gotten significantly worse yet again…I’ve been crying out to God and really have been able to “let go” at church with tears and worship for Him. Music has been a huge inspiration to me (big surprise) and I keep “finding” songs at just the right time for what I need. So, last weekend, as I’m bawling during the worship/communion time. A wonderful friend and small group member came and prayed over me…which made me cry harder. (Thanks Bill) Then my mom came and hugged me (thanks mom) and that’s when I felt God say to me that it was time…time to seek out my doctor/friend and ask him to pray over me. Whew…that was a major step for me and he knew it too. We went to the front of the church and he prayed over me and another good friend of mine joined us and she prayed as well. I just bawled and cried out to God. While good friend (thanks Chris) was praying, my doctor (did I mention he’s an elder?) Anyway…my doctor went and got some anointing oil. We talked about it and not that is magical but a symbol, etc…They then anointed me and prayed over me again. He rubbed the oil directly on “the spot” of my neck and I felt tingling going clear down my spine..seriously. I thought I was imagining it at first…the pain started easing and seemed to be disappearing in the tingling sensation…I wish that was where the story ended and that I could proclaim miraculous healing and go out and be an encouragement to others, using my suffering and story. But, the pain has come back again and it has been even worse this week…why? I don’t know. I have to admit on Monday and part of Tuesday I was a little miffed at God again…why would the tingling and ease of pain happen only to return later in the day with more intensity? I still don’t know the answer to that, but I’m not miffed anymore. Maybe it was God showing me relief as a sign to continue to trust and have faith in Him DESPITE the pain. I don’t know and this week has been miserable with resorting to taking pain meds again to function at home and school and even to sleep at times because it hurts so much. I sit here writing in tears because I want so much to be healed…But I have to submit to HIS timing, not mine. So, as a song I found (through Chris and Mindy) this week says…I’m going to keep believing and crying out to God…knowing that “It’s Going to Be Alright”.