If He's Willing...

This has been an interesting couple of weeks for me…emotionally, physically and definitely spiritually as I am battling within. The physical pain in my neck has increased once again and needless to say I have become frustrated and wondering why God isn’t healing me (in my timing of course ). The song that is playing here (Your Hands by JJ Heller) has been a source of strength or maybe weakness for me. I heard it for the first time one Sunday that I was really down about my neck. I was driving to church and found my mouth hanging open as I heard the first verse and chorus…I cried out to God and said “That’s me…heal me Jesus!” Since then the song has just really stuck with me. I’m clinging to the chorus…When my world is shaking, Heaven stands. When my heart is breaking, I never leave Your Hands…He IS in control…even know when I feel like He has forgotten me. He’s still holding me.


This past Sunday our pastoral candidate (now our pastor) gave a sermon and in it said a few things that have really struck a chord with me and made me analyze my faith this week. He was talking about the leper in the Bible that came to Jesus and asked Him to heal him IF HE was willing. What? IF He is willing? You mean God might WANT me to be this way long term, or even for the rest of my life???? That’s tough to swallow. My thoughts have gone from “How can I make Him willing?” (yes, I realize that sounds dumb) to “What must He want me to learn still through this?” to “How does He want me to use this to glorify Him RIGHT NOW?” to, “Do I not have enough faith in Him and that is why He doesn’t heal me?” to “What is left for me to learn…it’s been 6 years for goodness sakes?”. I’ve also been made aware during my physical therapy that my pain is really insignificant compared to the pain of others…Mine is bothersome, but can I live with it? Yes…do I want to?…NO!!!

In sharing all of these emotions with a friend yesterday she reminded me of something else in the sermon, that comes from the Bible. Our good friends Rack, Shack and Benny (not their real names ) were going to be thrown in the fiery furnace…they said they were willing to go in because they believed god would save them. That’s the part I’ve always focused on…of course he will save (heal) me…why wouldn’t He? And I think that is faithful…Well, the part that is convicting me is that they went on to say that even if He didn’t save them from the fiery furnace, they would still CHOOSE to follow Him and go in. Wait…WHAT? They are choosing the possibility of suffering?????? Am I willing to do that? Am I willing to trust in Jesus to heal me, but know that if He doesn’t and I go through my ENTIRE lifetime in this pain, (limiting me in my abilities as a wife, mother, friend and teacher) that I still CHOOSE to believe and trust in Him??? Am I willing? Am I able? And honestly my question is…Why would He NOT heal me and force me to endure it? I’m sure Paul wondered the same in the Bible when he had a thorn in his flesh that he had to live with…so who am I that God would choose to heal me over others?

Have I come to any conclusions with all of these thoughts? No. Other than I know I need to get to the place the Rack, Shack and Benny got to ….willing to go through it for His sake. I’m not there yet if I am honest. I hate this pain. It frustrates me. It controls me some days. It is constantly with me and a part of me. It limits me as a person. I’m uncomfortable. I’m not making much progress in physical therapy. I don’t know what step comes next if therapy doesn’t work. Will I be like this forever? I don’t know, but I am choosing to say “Blessed be the name of the Lord…on the road marked with suffering, even when there is pain in the offering”. (like the 2nd song below)